Focus on the Family

Q: My son just graduated from high school and is planning on leaving for college. However -- he has also gotten his girlfriend pregnant. They're both 18, and neither one of them wants to give up the child for adoption. Meanwhile, my husband and I are providing all of our son's financial support, and neither of us knows how he's going to support a baby. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: It's encouraging to hear that your son and his girlfriend have opted to choose life rather than abortion. That's a huge step in the right direction.

As you've pointed out, however, there still remains the question of how this young couple will manage to parent a child at this stage in their lives. Clearly, something will need to be done to address these challenges.

First, your family should contact your local pregnancy resource center. They can offer practical help to your son and his girlfriend as they walk through this difficult time. You can find the center nearest you by visiting the OptionLine website (optionline.org).

According to some experts, early in a pregnancy most teen couples say they aren't interested in the adoption alternative. But as time goes on and they begin to consider what it really means to care for a baby, reality starts to set in. At that point, many teens are willing to take a second look.

Second, don't pressure your son and his girlfriend to decide on adoption right now. If you push them to make a decision about whether or not they will keep the baby, they may react by proudly proclaiming to you and all of their friends that they have definitely made up their minds to become parents. At that point, they will have made a public commitment and it will be a lot harder for them to change course and consider adoption later on.

If they do decide to keep the baby, it's important that you and your husband do not step in and agree to raise the child, pay all the expenses and provide child care. If they tell you they're going to keep the baby, you might say something like this: "Your father and I are proud of you for choosing life for your child. Since you've decided to keep the baby, we don't want to deny you the privilege of being parents in the fullest sense of the word. That means you will be responsible to provide for your child financially. You'll also have to find a way to do all of the caregiving. That's what parenting is all about!"

In connection with this last point, it's worth mentioning that it wouldn't be the end of the world if your son delayed college for a while, got a job and fulfilled the responsibility that he took on when he decided to have sex with his girlfriend. Sometimes parents think that if their child doesn't go to college straight out of high school, he never will. From there they jump to the conclusion that he's "finished." That's simply not the case.

Accepting his responsibility as a father might actually force your son to do a lot of growing up. Obviously, it won't be easy. Still, if he starts college later or goes part-time, it's likely that he'll end up being more committed to his education and get more out of it.

If you'd like to discuss this situation further, call our counseling department for a free consultation. They can be reached at 1-855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays, 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (MT).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: As much as I wish that racial tension would diminish in America, it seems like it just won't go away. I'm concerned about the effect this has on my young children. What's your advice?

Jim: Racism has been a stain on our country for generations. And unfortunately, it will never end unless parents take an active role in educating our children about how to treat others with respect.

I encourage you to engage your kids in conversations about different cultures. Talk to them about how other groups of people live their daily lives or how they celebrate holidays. Our children must learn that culture and tradition -- not skin color -- is what makes people act or talk a certain way.

Also, encourage your children to ask questions. Teach them how to have a healthy dialogue about people from different backgrounds. The more they understand the road someone else has walked, the less likely our kids will act judgmentally toward them.

Most important of all, model through your words and actions how to treat people with love and respect, no matter how dark or light the color of their skin may be. Some say that children are "color-blind," but I don't believe that's true. Children easily notice differences, whether it's between boys and girls, or between hairstyles, clothing or the color of skin. But they don't generally interpret those differences as negative unless they're taught to do so. So, conversely, we can and should teach our kids that differences can be positive.

One final thought: Don't be too quick to punish your child that first time you're shocked to hear inappropriate remarks. We don't want to overreact. We just want to turn the problem in the right direction by teaching them the appropriate way to engage the issue of race.

Q: My kids keep talking about the video game Fortnite. It sounds like the "big thing" these days. What do I need to know about it as a parent?

Adam Holz, "Plugged In": Fortnite is indeed a big thing. Since 2017, the free Battle Royale version of this online shooter has been "the" game for many tweens and teens, especially boys. The premise is simple: Players drop onto an island to blast it out against 100 other combatants. It's a third-person shooter that adds a big dose of "Hunger Games"-style warfare -- a fast-paced, last-man-standing competition. Rounds take about 20 minutes as players scramble to locate ammunition, weapons and upgrades to give them the edge.

On the positive side, Fortnite is more cartoony than graphic. Unlike many popular M-rated shooters, there's no blood and gore in this T-rated title. The game also promotes teamwork as friends playing together master tactical strategies.

That said, however, Fortnite is still a shooter. And though it avoids explicit gore, research has repeatedly shown that shooters may correlate with increased aggression, reduced empathy and emotional desensitization in young players.

Another concern is the game's compulsive quality. For some young players, Fortnite can morph into an addictive habit that leads to hours of gameplay if parents don't set firm limits. Additionally, Fortnite's designers at Epic Games have cleverly broken online play into regular "seasons," with each new season offering different variations on the core game, including new unlockable "skins" (which alter players' onscreen appearances) and humorous victory dances (which fans love and imitate). And though the Battle Royale version is technically free, in-game upgrade purchases are available.

Fortnite isn't the worst of the worst in this bullet-blasting genre. But this shooter's format, style and addictive design definitely make it a game that families should approach with caution, conversation and agreed-upon boundaries.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: For Father's Day, I'm curious -- what would you say is the mark of true masculinity?

Jim: Every man needs to feel like a hero. We're built to be warriors. The trouble is most guys don't feel like they get a chance to use their strength on behalf of their family very often. I mean, how many guys march in from the front yard on a Saturday with their chest puffed out, saying, "I mowed the lawn!" That just doesn't quite hit it.

Maybe that's why so many young men believe they have to prove their manhood through brute strength -- how much weight they can lift or how hard they can punch. That might be what sets the heroes apart in the movies. But in everyday life, inner strength is far more important to true masculinity than outer strength.

A real man lays his life down for his family every single day. Like when a dad plays catch in the front yard even though he's tired from a long day at work. Or when he talks his daughter through her first heartbreak -- even though he'd rather she not grow up at all. Sometimes it's as simple as a husband skipping the ballgame on TV to run an errand to the store for his wife.

Those things may not sound very heroic. But that's because guys usually think masculinity is found in the big things. The truth is it's mostly found in the inner strength that enables a man to serve his wife and kids in the small ways every day.

Q: Our teenaged daughter has a poor body image and a negative view of herself, but she won't talk about it. How do we bring this up without smothering her or alienating her?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Sadly, some of the biggest lies we believe come through the mirror. Many teens you (or your daughter) wouldn't suspect have problems with a negative body image. The deeper issue she's wrestling with is the belief that acceptance and love are based on her appearance. That's a widespread lie presented via social media, advertisements and "filmed perfection."

Teens generally don't respond to forced discussions about emotional or personal issues. Rather than pushing her to share her feelings, the best approach is to consistently and intentionally spend one-on-one time together -- taking walks, eating out, etc.

Your daughter needs to feel safe to share her thoughts and feelings with you -- and this takes time. At some unexpected moment she may spontaneously begin talking about her worries. Roll with it, listen and be ready to clarify: "Help me understand..." Reflect back what she's saying and affirm her concerns: "What I'm hearing you say is ____, is that right?" The more understood she feels, the greater her trust and openness.

If you're genuine and sensitive, there's a good chance she will gradually open up. As she does, resist the urge to fix things. This is a personal journey of finding the truth. I've asked both my teens: "Who gets a vote in saying who you are and why?"

Note that dads play an especially important role; every girl longs to feel loved and cherished by her father. Genuine, consistent, affirming words from Dad go a long way toward reinforcing truth in a young woman. But he should compliment her on her character and unique attributes rather than simply on her looks or achievements. (I love writing encouraging notes to my 14-year-old daughter.)

If you're concerned that your daughter may be at risk for anorexia or bulimia, I encourage you to seek professional help immediately. Our staff counselors can refer you to a qualified therapist in your area; call 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.