Focus on the Family

Q: I'm adjusting to being a single mom, but I'm really worried about raising my 9-year-old son on my own. I feel inadequate. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Being a single parent is tough. Raising a boy can present some unique challenges for a single mother, so I want to encourage you: You can do this.

One of the most important things you can do is to surround yourself with a supportive community. That could be family, close friends or even people you know from work or church. The main thing is don't try to go it alone. You need people who will come alongside you when the going gets tough.

Not only do you need support, but so does your son. Every growing boy needs a male role model in his life who can be a positive influence. I know you're working hard to be your son's source of strength. But he needs to connect with a male figure who can set a good example of what it means to be a man. So ask a family member or a friend you trust if he'll spend some time with your son and mentor him.

I also recommend you take advantage of books and other resources that are available to help you navigate single parenting. You and your son are both in store for a lot of changes as he matures and develops. There is great information out there that can help you avoid some of the potholes you might otherwise hit. We can help; see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

I applaud your commitment to your son. Many days being a single mom is a thankless job. But with the right support and influence, I believe all of your dedication and hard work can eventually pay off. So hang in there!

Q: My husband and I can't agree on how to direct and discipline our children. We try to work together, but inevitably one of us will be more permissive while the other is stricter. Without going into who takes which approach, do you have any advice for deciding what's best?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Couples don't always agree about the best way to raise their children. My wife and I don't. But we learned a long time ago that we don't have to fight about which of our parenting styles is correct. Both of us play an important part in raising our kids.

That's a good thing for you and your spouse to remember as well. Opposites really do attract, and the impact isn't only felt in a marriage. It affects our parenting as well. The key is to understand your differences and learn to work together.

Usually, one parent is more of the "rule maker." Your style of parenting is probably more black and white. You love structure and think order and discipline are how to prepare children for the real world.

Many times the other parent is more of a "free spirit." Your style is probably more "gray area" -- friendly and relational. You focus on your child's feelings instead of the rules, and you tend to be more gentle and nurturing.

We often act like one of those parenting styles is right and one is wrong. That's a recipe for negative conflict. But parenting isn't about choosing one method over another. It's about blending the two together for a common goal -- raising a child who sees boundaries as freeing and relationships as essential. Children need the "rule maker's" limits, structure and discipline, but they also need the "free spirit's" nurturing, relational, laid-back attitude.

It will not be easy, but certainly worthwhile. It'll bring a healthy balance to your child's development.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our son is being held back a year in school -- we feel we've failed as parents. How do we help him adjust to repeating his grade level? What should we do if the other kids start to tease him about it?

Jim: It may be tough for him to see right now, but being held back in school isn't the end of the world. Also, childhood problems and struggles don't necessarily point to parental failure.

Failure is part of life, but too often adults try to put a positive spin on everything that happens to a child. It might be much more beneficial to allow this to be a character-building experience that teaches your son how to take defeat and disappointment in stride.

For an elementary school child, repeating a grade can be a great opportunity to nail down foundational skills. It can allow time to develop emotional intelligence and maturity. Status as an older (and possibly bigger, stronger) kid may also give him a social edge with his classmates. The experience is harder on a teenager, but if an extra year of work is what it takes to move forward, there's no permanent harm done.

In regard to teasing, to some extent children have to learn how to face such adversities on their own. Your son could try to enlist support from teachers or other school authorities. Meanwhile, do everything you can to bolster his confidence and reassure him of his value as a person. If his classmates call him "stupid," ask him if he believes it. Talk things through with him until he learns not to take insults and bullying to heart.

This is also a good time to determine why your child has been struggling in school. Learning styles, learning disabilities and relational or family conflicts all impact performance. Seeking help from a licensed professional, such as a learning-style specialist or family therapist, can help him get back on the road to success.

Our counseling staff would be happy to discuss this situation with you over the phone; call 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: As a newly single-again person, I've decided to try online dating. I thought it would make things easier, but it's overwhelming! I can't even decide where to start.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Many singles try online dating sites for one simple reason -- they feel they need more choices than they're finding through traditional dating. After all, we've been conditioned to think "the more choices the better," right?

Well, a lot of online daters are discovering the same thing: Too many choices can be as big a problem as not enough. After months of clicking through hundreds of dating profiles, they feel less capable of making a decision than when they started.

That indecisiveness is so common that researchers have coined a term for it: "decision paralysis." When you have unlimited choices, the fear that you'll make a wrong decision can paralyze you from making any decision at all. Before long, your hopes for romance can be lost to anxiety and unhappiness.

But there are a couple of practical solutions for conquering decision paralysis. The first is to stick with traditional dating (at least partially) and allow the availability of people within your social circles to naturally restrict your options.

But if you like the benefits of online dating, tap into the decision-making filters you rely on every day. Character trumps appearance; narrow your choices based on character traits that matter most to you. Or trust a dating service to select people with whom you're most compatible.

Either way, move carefully and prayerfully, taking time to really get to know prospective dates in various settings. For more insights into purposeful single living, see Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: After 20-some years of marriage, my wife and I know each other pretty well -- and I think we have a good relationship. We also each have our respective friends and hobbies to help us maintain our individuality. But we still sense that maybe we're missing something. How can we strengthen our connection?

Jim: When a lot of couples think of building marital intimacy, they imagine candlelit dinners and deep conversation. It's all about opening your hearts to one another and sharing your innermost feelings. Those moments can be powerful and even a necessary connection point for a husband and wife. But there's another kind of intimacy that can be just as beneficial to a couple: social intimacy.

That term is really as simple as it sounds. Social intimacy means you share activities together. Maybe you both enjoy riding bikes, exercising or gardening together. The two of you probably already share a lot of common interests.

But there's another angle to social intimacy that's a bit trickier to navigate. More than likely you'll both have to go beyond your individual comfort zones and agree to do activities that don't matter to you but are important to your spouse.

Maybe your spouse loves going to the symphony, but you don't care for it. Go to the symphony anyway. In some marriages, the wife likes to watch cooking shows and the husband enjoys football. Watch a little of both together. Make a concerted effort to engage in each other's interests, and your intimacy has a good chance of deepening.

That's the heart and soul of social intimacy. It's about more than just "doing stuff together." It's about showing your spouse how much you value them by entering into their world and honoring what's important to them.

To help your marriage thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How do I get my kids to listen to me?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: That's a simple expression of a complex question that almost every parent asks regularly. It might even seem like your kids need a hearing test; it appears that they heard you, but there's not much evidence. Things you've asked them to do go undone, their clothes pile up everywhere, they're still yelling and arguing or sneaking their phone when you've told them not to.

What impacts a child's ability to listen? Sometimes a child may not be developmentally ready to process complex commands or questions. Typically, though, when kids don't listen they're usually:

Wanting something -- or their own way -- badly

Distracted

Resentful

Tired

Thinking of other priorities and interests

Unclear of what is being asked or expected

So how can you get your kids to listen?

1. Make sure you have their attention and that they understand what you're talking about. Sometimes we forget to use words that can be understood. We can also tend to give directions while walking away, or while a child is in the middle of doing something else. We need to make sure what we're trying to communicate is being received.

2. Be consistent with boundaries, limits, consequences and communication. If you say, "We're leaving in five minutes" but consistently aren't ready yourself for half an hour, your kids learn to ignore your five-minute warning. If you tell your child to stop doing something or say "no" to something he or she has asked but there's never a consequence for disobedience, your child will learn that your boundary fence is just there for decoration.

3. Model respect, grace and forgiveness. Respect begins with listening. Do your children feel valued, heard and understood?

4. Intentionally celebrate along the way. Find ways to celebrate the loving self-discipline of listening in your home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.