Focus on the Family

Q: My kids (2nd and 4th graders) are both really smart, and they seem to get along well with peers and teachers. But occasionally they go through rough patches where they're moody and just not keeping up with schoolwork the way I know they can. What can I do?

Jim: There could be various explanations, but I'd start with a simple question: Are your kids getting enough "Vitamin Z"? Ample sleep may be one of the biggest secrets to a child's health and well-being.

Researchers from the University of Chicago studied the sleep patterns of children between the ages of 4 and 10. They found that most of our kids are sleep-deprived, usually because of the busy schedules we expect them to keep. After a long day in the classroom, they still have homework and various after-school activities to get through -- not to mention the lure of electronic screens.

Ideally, at this age kids should get between 10 and 12 hours of sleep every night. But on average, most only get between 8 and 9 hours. That may not sound like much of a difference, but even short gaps in sleep can impact a child's mood, brain development and eating patterns. In fact, lack of sleep and erratic bedtimes are thought to be a cause that's often overlooked in binge eating in children.

As Benjamin Franklin once famously said, "Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise." All these years later, science is proving Franklin was correct. Most children probably need more sleep than they're getting.

So I'd suggest considering whether you might pull back a little on your kids' schedule when you can and make sure their bedtimes are somewhat structured. Also, don't force them out of bed too early on Saturday mornings. Let them sleep in and get a little extra "Vitamin Z."

Q: How can we help our adopted 6-year-old son overcome his fears? He recently fell into a very shallow lake, and now he's afraid of the water. I want to get him back in as soon as possible, but I'm concerned since he's had a long history of trauma and struggles with fear.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: I commend you for helping your son feel comfortable getting back into the water. It's also essential to be sensitive to his reaction. For many children who are adopted or have faced difficult journeys (such as foster care), experiences like this can be magnified. Similar incidents could continue to be a "big deal" until these kids are able to work through their fears and the way they interpret certain situations.

Several strategies can be helpful for your son. First, encourage him to tell the story of what happened -- repeatedly if necessary. Giving voice to their fears and personal ownership to their own story helps kids gain mastery over them.

Second, remember Dumbo the flying elephant and his "magic feather"? Initially, Dumbo couldn't fly without the feather, which wasn't really "magic" at all -- it was just a prop (placebo) that gave him confidence and enabled him to face his fears. You and your son can probably come up with several different "magic feathers" (a life jacket, floaties, etc.). The idea is to empower him by hearing him and helping him feel safer. Encourage him by showing him what he can control in small conquerable steps.

Third and most important, assure him that Mom and/or Dad will swim with him. By being in the water with him, you'll help restore his confidence and allow him to address his fears with you by his side. You'll also be building connection and a deep sense of trust between parent and child.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I have a not-so-distant relative who is an extremely difficult person to be around. "Chris" can spot a flaw from across the room and never wastes an opportunity to criticize. I know I shouldn't care what "Chris" thinks, but I do. What can I change in this situation?

Jim: Dealing with a critical person becomes more difficult the closer our relationship with them. And this is something that many of us experience. Since these people play an integral role in our life, their validation is important to us. But instead of their support and encouragement, we receive judgment and cynicism instead. Maybe we've even confronted them, asking them to bring balance to their perspective. Yet they continue to be a needle in a balloon factory, determined to pop every dream or goal we share with them.

Here's the curious part. Although their negativity is as predictable as the morning sunrise, for some reason we still seek these people out for their approval, hoping each time for a different response. But nothing ever changes. It's a little like expecting milk from a water fountain. Why stand there all day, pushing the lever again and again, hoping for something other than water to come out?

Here's the point: A water fountain doesn't dispense milk, and critical people don't dispense encouragement or validation. They criticize; they point out flaws. If they ever change, it will have to come from inside their own heart -- it's not up to you.

The solution, then, is to love that person for who they are, but take your need for affirmation to another friend or family member who will honor it in positive ways. Healthy boundaries are wise -- even with those closest to us.

If you'd like to discuss this situation with our staff counselors, they'd be happy to help. The number is 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My wife and I are still newlyweds, and we have a great relationship -- except for the fact that she doesn't get along with my old bachelor buddies. This is a growing source of tension between us. How can we solve this problem?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Many newlyweds find themselves facing something like this soon after the wedding. It's part of two people with separate lives and histories coming together. And it gives you and your wife a great opportunity to learn compromise and flexibility. No marriage can thrive if each spouse doesn't learn to give preference to his or her partner's perspective from time to time.

Start with this: What exactly is it that prevents your wife from warming up to your buddies? And be honest with yourself -- are her concerns valid? Do your friends act immature or irresponsible ... or worse? Have they ever done something to embarrass your wife? If so, you have a responsibility to seriously consider whether these friendships are truly good for you and your marriage. Your wife comes first now.

However, if your wife and your friends simply have different tastes and interests, you could gently and sensitively challenge them all to get to know each other better. She may find some common ground with them. As the person with connection to all concerned, you're in the perfect position to facilitate this kind of social interaction. And make sure to include your buddies' wives or girlfriends in the equation. But again, your wife is your top priority -- always choose her over your buddies.

If you're still having trouble sorting this out on your own, it might be a good idea to consider the option of discussing the situation with a professional counselor. You can start with our staff of licensed family therapists here at Focus on the Family by calling the number given above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Once again, I couldn't afford to give my kids the memorable summer vacation that their friends all seem to experience. It's discouraging. Do you think they'll resent me for it?

Jim: One of the best lessons I've ever learned about parenting happened about 10 years ago. I headed out on a road trip with my brother and my son to pick up a fifth-wheel trailer I'd purchased online. Nine hundred miles from home, my truck broke down on the highway. We were stranded. The repairs cost me a lot of money and four days of my vacation.

I don't mind telling you I was miserable and frustrated. We were stuck in a small hotel and had to eat every meal at the same restaurant next door. By the time my truck was fixed, we just headed back home.

I remember pulling onto the highway and stewing over how terrible everything had turned out. That was when my then-seven-year-old son turned to me with a huge smile and said, "Thanks, Dad. That was a great vacation. I think one of the best ever!"

I had been upset all week about abandoning my vacation plans back there along the highway. My son just wanted to spend time together. The stuff we did wasn't nearly as important as who he was with.

My son taught me a great lesson that day. And I think in the long run, your children will feel the same way. What we do isn't as important as who we're with -- the people we love.

Q: My oldest daughter is a model child -- pleasant, cheerful and agreeable. Her little brother is the exact opposite. How might a mild-tempered, cooperative child be impacted by having a defiant and strong-willed sibling in the home?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: You're wise to recognize that a compliant child may be overlooked and taken for granted, particularly with a more defiant and outspoken youngster in the family. As the saying goes, the squeaky wheel gets the grease. Even subconsciously, we may expect the compliant child to do more or sacrifice because Mom and Dad just don't have the energy; there's a tendency to place more responsibility on the kid who won't complain as loudly.

But that has consequences. The responsible child often develops a sense of powerlessness and resentment that simmers below the surface. She may also become prideful of her "good" behavior and overconfident in her natural abilities and delegated power. This combination of pride and a sense of injustice can sometimes lead compliant children to become passive-aggressive, manipulative and devious in dealing with others. They may even learn to get away with things "under the radar." They can also be prone to perfectionism, stress and depression since they often feel trapped by their need to please other people.

So it's important to balance the scales and make sure the compliant child gets her fair share of parental attention. Set aside special times to spend with your daughter on a regular basis. Make a date to have ice cream, go for a walk or simply sit and talk together at least once a week. Cultivate an awareness of her feelings and the details of her life at home and school -- especially any fears, anxieties or resentments that hide beneath her quiet and cooperative exterior.

If necessary, draw her out by asking questions like, "What's it like for you to live in our family?" or "What do you wish we noticed more of in you?" Invest the time to celebrate her successes and positive decision-making. Let her know that she's an important and highly valued unique member of the family. Emphasize that you're thankful for her -- imperfections, dreams and all.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.