Focus on the Family

Q: My job requires me to be creative, but some days I'm just too tired or uninspired. And then I get stressed, which only makes it worse. Do you have any tips for generating good ideas under pressure?

Jim: We've all had moments in life where we need to get the creative juices flowing. Each of us is different, and what works for one person might not for another. But there are a couple of suggestions that can be very helpful for most of us.

Experts say the first step is to recognize that ideas are sometimes "captured." In other words, our minds are constantly processing thoughts. That means it's often simply a matter of paying attention to what we're thinking and recognizing an idea when it comes along. Other times we may see or hear something, or have an encounter with someone who triggers that elusive spark of creative energy we need.

The second step is to turn over the engine and get your motor running. According to research out of Johns Hopkins, the best way is exercise. That's because physical activity increases oxygen delivery to the brain and jump-starts the creation of new brain cells.

So if you're looking for some mental inspiration, lace up those shoes and head out for a walk, a bike ride or go for a run. Speed isn't important -- it's the motion that matters. Regardless of how old or young you are, activity is key. Get the blood circulating, and shake those cobwebs free.

The key to all of this is to mentally pull out the wide-angle lens and look around. Take your focus off of the detailed problem for a few minutes -- but not too long (resist getting caught up in distractions). You may well find that when you zoom in again, the ideas you need will come bubbling to the surface.

Q: My four-year-old is constantly tugging on my sleeves for attention. I love her dearly, but I'm getting weary of this happening all the time. What should I do?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Dr. John Gottman, a relationship expert with more than 40 years of research experience, refers to these small efforts to get relational attention as "bids for connection." They can be good, but sometimes bids seem to come at inconvenient times and can wear at our patience.

Bids for connection aren't always easy to catch, even if you're looking for them. Here are a few examples:

A boy tugging at his mom while she's on the phone.

A little girl grabbing her father's hand.

A child wanting to help, even though it creates more work.

It's essential to notice these bids and to have an appropriate response. You can teach your child how to bid for your attention successfully and with good timing. It's OK to tell her "not right now" and let her know when would be a better time. Be gentle in teaching her how to accept this, though; yelling or shaming are not good responses.

Likewise, understand that if the answer is always "no" because you're involved in other things, the bids may decrease and even disappear altogether. You still want to maintain the relationship, so take time to bid for your child's attention in ways she loves to connect. This will help her feel valued and noticed.

There are likely countless things clamoring for your attention, including work, responsibilities, bills, social media and entertainment. Try to set these aside, when possible and appropriate, to connect with your child. Talk as a family about how to notice bids for connection, and respond to each other's bids in meaningful, respectful and effective ways.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My parents are getting older, and I know I'm going to assume a larger portion of their care in the near future. What should I expect, and how do I know when it's time to take on more personal responsibility for their physical well-being?

Jim: Aging and death are inescapable realities of life. As we grow older, our bodies go through a natural aging process that involves changes in body function like these:

-- Fatigue and dizziness

-- Loss of appetite

-- Slowing of the digestive and urinary functions

-- Respiratory problems due to decreased elasticity of the lungs

-- Deterioration of skin and muscles

-- Decreasing visual acuity due to cataracts and stiffening of the lens

-- Weakened immune system

These changes are all part of the normal aging process, though your parents' organ systems may continue to work normally unless injury or illness occurs. At the same time, these physiological differences can increase an elderly person's chances of developing other problems like heart disease, diabetes, arthritis or high blood pressure.

At some point, your parents will likely need medical assistance. If you maintain a close relationship with your parents and regular contact with their physicians, you should be able to better gauge their ability to care for themselves. There will most likely come a time when they'll need your assistance with their personal needs and routine business matters. They may ask for your help at this point -- but it could be that you'll simply have to step in.

To sum up, as you walk through this season, I encourage you to stay in close touch with your loved ones and their medical providers. This is a case where there's no such thing as too much communication. I wish you the best.

Q: My 18-year marriage has been pretty rocky. My spouse and I have both done things requiring forgiveness, but we want to start fresh. How can we restore trust in our relationship?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: When it's taken years to build the walls of bitterness and suspicion in your relationship, you can't expect to tear them down in one day. Restoring trust takes time, and it's a process that requires forgiveness.

Trust is something that's earned. It can be broken fairly quickly, but the rebuilding process can take a long time. This is especially true when the offenses were really hurtful or were repeated multiple times. When you've been wounded, it's difficult to trust again unless you can see tangible evidence of change. In this case, since you've both been at fault, you need to work together to identify the things you each need to demonstrate going forward. And be realistic; you should each be able to reasonably expect from your partner:

-- Willingness to take personal responsibility without shifting blame or being evasive.

-- Determination to develop a plan to prevent further offenses.

-- Active commitment to seek counseling, individually if necessary but definitely together.

Forgiveness is also an important part of the healing process -- but this concept is often misunderstood. Forgiveness is not:

-- Condoning or excusing the offense.

-- Forgetting past abuses or injustices.

-- Minimizing or justifying negative behavior.

-- Immediately trusting the offender again.

Instead, true forgiveness is:

-- Letting go of unhealthy anger (bitterness, the silent treatment or revenge).

-- Making a commitment to work through the issues together to identify and resolve the root causes of the problem.

-- Actively rebuilding the relationship on a foundation of trust.

I strongly encourage you and your spouse to discuss these concepts with a certified marriage counselor. You can start with our staff of licensed family therapists here at Focus on the Family by calling 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I fill a lot of important roles: husband, father, breadwinner, business owner, church leader, youth sports coach, etc. But I usually feel like I'm running behind, and I guess I vent my stress on my family sometimes. How can I find a better life balance?

Jim: People are busier than ever these days. With family responsibilities, work pressures and volunteer opportunities, the list can be endless.

There's a famous quote often attributed to Samuel L. Clemens, better known by his pen name of Mark Twain: "The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one." I don't know if Clemens actually said that, but it's a good principle. When things start to get overwhelming, sometimes it helps to just address one person or thing at a time -- starting with those closest to you.

Maybe you need to prioritize your commitments, saying no to good things so you can say yes to better things ... like making time for dates with your wife or conversations with your kids. Maybe your family needs to turn off all the electronic devices and eat dinner together. Maybe you need to make the first move to mend a broken relationship. Maybe you need to organize your home or office.

Stress affects everyone and comes in all shapes and sizes. But how we handle it can mean the difference between sinking or swimming. And making even the smallest changes -- just taking life one day or one breath at a time -- can keep you moving forward.

For more tips to help your family thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I want to help my children learn that their actions make a statement about their character. Do you have any suggestions?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Each of our actions suggests something about our values and motives. This goes for parents as well as kids, so what we model speaks louder than what we say.

Many of our behaviors can be interpreted in light of "I'm acting as if" statements. For example, being impatient with your children can translate into "I'm acting as if my kids are a nuisance to me." Working insanely long hours might equal "I'm acting as if rest and renewal are unimportant for me and my family."

But there are positive "I'm acting as if" messages, too. Listening intently to your daughter and talking with her conveys the idea "I'm acting as if understanding and guiding my kids is important." Setting a bedtime for your younger children says "I'm acting as if boundaries and limits are important because they encourage healthy habits."

Similarly, the phrase, "you are acting as if" holds a mirror up to your child's character. It can help start the conversation about what's observed and what may need some attention.

For instance, after observing a child's behavior, a parent could say "I've noticed you acting as if ..."

-- A smartphone is your only ticket to social survival.

-- You can't get by without video games.

-- School is a miserable place for you.

-- Winning is what gives you value.

-- Wearing certain clothes is critical to finding love.

-- Having a boyfriend or girlfriend seems like a "need" to you.

Parents can follow up on these statements by asking "Am I on target or not? Why?"

This exercise is a tool to get the conversation pointed inward rather than getting stuck on outward behaviors. It's also designed to focus your efforts on understanding, communication and guidance rather than control. Character formation takes a lot of work and grows from the inside out.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.