Focus on the Family

Q: I have a lot of big dreams. But sometimes I get almost paralyzed mentally and overwhelmed by the size of the things I want to accomplish in life. How can I keep my focus and momentum?

Jim: I recall a time I was watching a television broadcast of the U.S. Open -- one of professional golf's biggest tournaments. As leaders for the final day were teeing off to get their rounds underway, somebody asked golfer Paul Azinger what the players needed to focus on to play well and have a shot at winning. Azinger replied: "If you want to achieve big things, you have to dream small."

Paul Azinger knows a thing or two about achieving big dreams: He won 12 tournaments on the PGA Tour, including two championships, and has followed his active playing career by becoming a highly successful broadcast analyst. What he meant by "dream small" was that golfers need to play their game one shot at a time. If they get too far ahead of themselves, they'll lose focus on the shot right in front of them.

That's good advice no matter your profession. Baseball players take games one pitch at a time. For football players, it's one play at a time. In marriage and parenting, it's one day at a time, one decision at a time, one moment of connection at a time. You can wait for your marriage to be better "someday," or you can take action and make it better today. Go ahead and plan for your kids' future, but take advantage of opportunities to invest in their lives right now.

Whether it's winning a golf tournament, building a successful career or creating a marriage and family that thrives, if you want to achieve big things, you have to dream small.

Q: How can I help my son get ready for the physical, emotional and psychological changes that adolescence brings?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: I'm impressed that you want to be proactive in your son's life. There's a big difference between the kind of influence you're considering and a one-time sex education talk. As your son approaches puberty, it's helpful to talk about identity, healthy friendships and relationships, the amazing and important differences between male and female, the way his body is changing and why all these things are important.

Along with hormonal and sexual developments, there will be rapid growth of bone and muscle. As a result, an eighth-grade gym class may contain skinny boys with alto voices who are sharing a locker room with peers who are hairy and muscular --and may seem intimidating. Remind your son that whatever the particular timing may be in his case, the transition to his adult body will eventually be complete. He can't control the timing, but he can smooth the process by exercising, getting rest and eating well.

It's also important to talk to your son about his increasing interest in the opposite sex. This is an important time to review specific guidelines -- and some basic wisdom -- about relationships and the progressive nature of sexual interest and contact.

Ideally, you should plan on having a series of foundational conversations with your preteen son, perhaps at age nine, ten or eleven. Some parents plan a special weekend away from home in order to have undistracted, one-on-one time during which these discussions can take place. Others stretch them out over longer periods.

Focus on the Family has just released a new video-based resource that's specifically designed to help parents and kids work through these conversations during this exciting (and sometimes confusing and difficult) transition. It's called "Launch Into the Teen Years." You can find out more at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: How do I get my teenagers to engage in conversation? They're good kids; still, there are so many things I want to communicate to them before they go off to college in a few years. I just can't get them to respond when I try to share something that's on my heart.

Jim: Having raised two sons into their late teens, I can sympathize. My boys can be pretty interactive, but there are always those times when just one syllable (or even a grunt) is about all we receive.

As parents, we need to be aware if we're falling into the pattern of trying to impart wisdom through one-sided lectures. That's all too easy to do, particularly when we're not getting the response we'd like. Simply telling our children about life won't prepare them to navigate the real world. That requires a relationship. And to develop that, you have to deliberately talk with them. Here are a few suggestions.

First, model humility. When parents admit we're wrong, it helps our kids feel safe to open their hearts. Appropriately sharing your emotions teaches them it's OK to be authentic with trusted people.

Second, take advantage of available moments. Consider making that 10-minute drive to school a "tech-free zone" and have a chat instead.

Third, listening is an important part of conversation, so give your kids a chance to share what they really feel, even/especially if you disagree. Ask open-ended questions. Teens who feel listened to will feel valued and will likely be much more willing to open up and share.

And fourth, welcome questions from them. That's how kids explore their beliefs and grapple with new ideas. Give them the freedom to dig beneath the surface and ask challenging questions.

For more information on communicating with your teens, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My wife and I have been happily married for 46 years. We raised four kids, enjoy being grandparents, are active in church and civic activities -- our life is good. But we want to keep strengthening our relationship even more. Do you have any suggestions?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: First of all, I want to thank you for the example you have set. In this culture where almost everything is "disposable" -- including relationships, in some people's minds -- your faithfulness to each other provides a shining light of encouragement to all of us who are trying to make our own marriages the best they can be.

And I think that might be your answer. The old saying goes that "the best way to master a subject is to teach it." In other words, when we seriously apply ourselves to learning a collection of material or a skill so that we can pass it on to someone else, we better grasp and retain that knowledge ourselves.

Here's the point: You and your wife have obviously learned to communicate and work together as a team -- you couldn't have made it this far without those skills. Now I'd challenge you to come alongside younger couples and mentor them in these same principles. Countless other marriages could benefit from what you can demonstrate. And most of us are readily willing to listen to someone whose life experience has helped them successfully navigate the ups and downs of a long journey together.

So I suggest you seek out some younger couples to mentor -- maybe even just one to start with. I'll predict that as you pour into others, you'll be "recharged" in your own relationship. You might even find that their energy rubs off on you, making you feel younger, too.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Part of what drew my wife and me together is that we experienced similar wounds in our respective pasts. We thought that would help us relate, but now we're actually struggling. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Thanks in part to Hollywood, generations of people have been taught that marriage is best when two individuals who are broken and lost on their own meet that special someone who completes them. It's an idea that works well in the movies. But in real life, relationships like that are doomed to years of struggle unless there's some form of intervention.

Here's why: Genuine intimacy within a marriage can only occur between two people who are healthy and whole as individuals. People who feel incomplete inside usually rely on others to fill them up. But emotionally, that's like a bucket with a hole in the bottom -- no relationship is ever enough to fill it.

This leads to a second problem. Healthy people feel emotionally content inside, so they're able to freely give of themselves to their spouse. However, someone who is wounded rarely has anything to give because their energy is devoted to seeking after what they "need" from their spouse.

In math, two halves make a whole. But marriage isn't a math problem; it's a relationship. Two broken people cannot combine their wounds to create a successful relationship. A strong marriage consists of two healthy individuals, each of whom is content inside and able to give to their spouse in love and sacrifice.

The answer, then, is that both of you need to do the hard work -- professional therapy, spiritual growth, etc. -- to sort through your own "stuff." The good news is that encouraging each other through that process will help strengthen your relationship. Our staff counselors would be happy to help you get started; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I'm concerned that my three children (ages 5, 7 and 10) are heavier than most of their classmates. My husband and I also carry some extra pounds; in fact, several members of both our extended families tend toward "plus sizes." But I'm worried about my kids' health -- what can we do?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: It's possible that genetics may play a role in the "plus sizes" within your family -- along with certain habits that may need attention. There are two key areas where parents can take an active role in improving their children's health: nutrition and exercise.

Let's take nutrition first. This isn't about reaching a certain ideal size, but of overall health. Various internal factors can impact poor diet, including fatigue, stress, depression, anxiety and lack of self-control. Help your kids learn what leads them toward bad (or good) eating habits.

Meanwhile, one suggestion is to avoid fast food as much as possible. By offering simple meals at home, parents can help children learn about healthy eating. There's plenty of helpful information available online (and you can never go wrong with extra vegetables). Also, consider healthy alternatives to carb- loaded sugary snacks. Don't worry -- when healthy foods become common at mealtime, children will not only eat them, they'll eventually prefer them.

Exercise is the second area of benefit to a child's overall health. It's important to limit our kids' time with computers, TVs, mobile devices and just sitting around. Instead, get them outside: running, jumping and playing. Maybe there's a sport they would enjoy trying. Take walks and bike rides as a family. At the very least, create a safe place where your child can be physically active.

As in so many areas, children learn the value of healthy diet and exercise by watching your example. So parents need to be "all in," too -- it's well worthwhile.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.