Q: Do you have any advice for an older couple who have long-term custody of their grandchildren? Our two young grandkids are living with us and probably will be for some time.

Jim: First, I commend you and thank you for having the courage to assume the responsibility of giving your grandchildren a loving, stable and family-centered home life. I can only scratch the surface here of what your question deserves, but here are a few thoughts.

You've likely already recognized that raising kids can be a very different proposition when it's tackled for the second time in midlife. Your energy levels aren't what they were back in your 20s and 30s, and you might even be dealing with health issues of your own. So, remember that if you don't take care of yourselves, you won't be in any condition to take care of the kids.

You'll need a strong support system. Don't let the renewed demands of parenting cut you off from existing friends, neighbors or family members who understand what you're facing and can come alongside you. Admit your limits and seek some outside help. One way to do this is to join a support group through church, social club or even local government programs.

Never feel guilty about getting away for a break. Taking some time off for yourself is not a sign of weakness, and it will help you (and the children) more than you may realize. Hire a sitter, and/or swap out caregiving with another family. Take advantage of day-care centers, summer camps, church youth groups, after-school clubs, sports programs, etc.

Finally, I'd strongly recommend connecting with a professional counselor on a semi-regular basis. Whatever was involved in you getting custody of your grandkids, there was likely some sort of difficult or even traumatic experience. I invite you to start by calling Focus on the Family's counseling department at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: After years of being single, I looked forward to being married because I thought I would finally be happy. That's what marriage is all about, right? So why isn't it working -- why don't I feel happy about being married?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: We've all heard: "...and they lived happily ever after." It's the stuff of fairy tales and the hope of every couple standing at a wedding altar. But I don't think it's wise to make happiness the primary goal of marriage. In fact, I think it's unrealistic.

Here's the problem. Happiness is a fickle emotion. It comes and goes with nearly every change of our circumstances. When good things happen, we're happy. When bad things happen, we're not. That's why there's one thing you can count on: Our spouse cannot make us happy all the time. No matter how hard they try, over the course of life, they'll disappoint us sometimes.

There's also a deeper issue to consider: Making my own happiness the primary goal for marriage shows I'm in the relationship for me -- for what I can get out of it. Simply put, seeking to gratify ourselves at the expense of our spouse will destroy a relationship.

Now, I'm not suggesting we shouldn't want to be happy in our marriage. We certainly can be happy. But that shouldn't be our primary goal. True happiness comes from a deep commitment to place the needs of our spouse above our own.

That said, in order to sacrificially serve our mate, we need to ensure we have something to give. So, seek a balance with things that recharge you and allow you to love your spouse from a store of abundance. When a husband and wife devote themselves to each other in this way, they'll truly live happily ever after.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I know several couples who have gotten divorced when we all thought they were perfectly matched. But others have stuck together when I thought there was no way they would. Why do you think some marriages work and some don't?

Jim: I heard an analogy a while back that I think illustrates the point. It's about the trees in the Cascade Range. The majority of these trees are hundreds of years old. It seems amazing they've survived so long when you consider that forests in the American West are under constant threat of fire from lightning strikes. Every year, thousands of acres of trees are killed by fires sparked by lightning.

So, why do trees in the Cascades keep growing strong for centuries? Well, that area of Washington State routinely experiences drenching rains. The lightning still comes, but the trees remain safe because the forest is saturated with water.

The application to marriage is simply this: Every marriage will be struck by lightning of some kind -- whether it be financial trouble, a longstanding illness or some other hardship. Many marriages erupt into flames while others survive the challenges -- or even thrive through them. The primary difference is the absence or the presence of drenching rain. In marriage, drenching rain is found in things like good communication, the willingness to forgive and taking the time to laugh together. It's the proactive commitment to love each other through every season.

Drenching your marriage with love takes time and sacrifice. But no matter who you are, the storms will come. So, protect your marriage from the lightning and flames. Let it rain, and your relationship can survive for decades.

Focus on the Family has plenty of resources to help. And if your relationship is nearing (or at) a breaking point, our Hope Restored® program has an exceptional success rate in healing troubled marriages. Visit HopeRestored.FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: How can I help my child break out of her shyness?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting and Youth: Shyness is not a bad thing, and many kids end up learning how to manage their shy personality as they get older. However, there are some children who are excessively (even excruciatingly) hesitant to speak because they're insecure and scared. Shy kids often overthink because they're afraid they'll say "the wrong thing."

As a child-and-family therapist and school social worker, I've helped many parents of kids who struggle to speak and socialize freely. Here are some practical steps I've found valuable:

Ask your child what they experience when they feel shyness. What do they see, hear, feel? What do they think is demanded from them in the situations they encounter? Is there another way to look at these scenarios?

Help your child make observations rather than assumptions. What do they see around them when they feel shy? Do they feel the need to be perfect? Where did they get that assumption?

Proactively discuss when/how shyness becomes a problem. For instance, does shyness:

Prevent them from meeting new people?

Keep them from sharing their thoughts with others?

Restrict them from spending time with friends or peers?

Cause them to be self-critical or critical of others?

Provide challenges and celebrations:

Encourage kids to share their thoughts without calculating every potential angle.

Help them work through the worst-case scenario of opening up -- and how unlikely that result actually is.

Encourage your child to write their thoughts in a journal then read them aloud to you to practice offering their perspective.

As your child gains confidence in sharing their thoughts -- or at least starting with a friendly smile -- celebrate successes with dinner out or other special experiences.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I try to avoid conflict, especially with my spouse. But we still argue sometimes. It makes me worry and wonder if this is a sign our relationship is struggling. What's your take?

Jim: The presence of conflict doesn't necessarily mean a relationship is in trouble. In fact, certain conflict can actually be an indicator that a relationship is strong.

For example, conflict can easily occur when two people are close. Husbands and wives know one another inside and out, so it's easier for them to rub each other the wrong way. Although that dynamic has the potential to create problems, it also shows there's an intimate bond. And that's a good thing.

Spouses can also argue because they're both thinking, opinionated adults. They know what they like, what they want and what they believe. Again, that can create challenges -- but on its own it's one of the ingredients that can make a marriage truly great.

And, believe it or not, spouses often have conflict because they really love each other. Each partner genuinely cares about what the other says and does. This can lead to some heated exchanges, but it's usually for a good cause.

Every human relationship is susceptible to conflict, especially one as close as marriage. And sure, conflict can become destructive if it's allowed to progress unchecked. That's why it's important to learn how to handle conflict in a healthy way, so you build up your relationship rather than tear it down.

My colleague, Dr. Greg Smalley, has done some great work in this area. Greg and his wife, Erin, wrote a helpful book called "Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage." I highly recommend it. You can find that book and many other resources at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My kids and their friends keep talking about TikTok. What is it, and what do I need to know about it as a parent?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: TikTok is an app that gives users a chance to post short smartphone videos online. It was the second-most downloaded app of 2019 (behind WhatsApp Messenger). Overall, TikTok feels like YouTube with a very short attention span. Videos can be as long as 60 seconds, but many are much shorter.

TikTok videos can feature almost anything -- anything that will grab users' attention, that is. You'll see dancing and singing (which the app originally focused on). You might see a horse stick its tongue out or someone lying down drinking milk. In other words, it's an expressive digital medium that tweens and teens (and plenty of adults, too) gravitate toward to broadcast silly antics.

But it's not all silly, and there are some real issues parents need to know about. Usage guidelines prohibit graphic, violent, risky, sexually explicit or hateful content. But those rules are pretty loose. Profanity? No ban on that. And many young users post videos that are suggestive while avoiding explicit images. The app theoretically prohibits users under 13, but that's a guideline many underage users ignore. Young users could potentially find themselves in conversations with adults they don't know via the app's comment feature. TikTok has also become a go-to destination for viral video challenges, many of which can be risky.

On a more philosophical level, TikTok is all about grabbing attention. Videos practically scream, "Look at me!" This is true of social media in general. But TikTok feels custom-made to encourage narcissism. And it's easy to burn a lot of time watching inane videos, too.

TikTok says its mission is "to inspire creativity and bring joy." That said, TikTok also offers many avenues for kids to drift into trouble if parents aren't closely engaged with what they're watching and posting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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