Q: Like a lot of parents, I guess, the shutdown this year has really stretched my wife and me regarding how we each interact with our kids. She tends to emphasize the rules; I'm more easygoing. What's your preferred approach?

Jim: Many moms and dads can often be black and white in their parenting. Their approach is like a light switch -- all one way or all the other. What kids really need, though, is balance. So, instead, think of your parenting like a dimmer switch with a range of responses that meet your kids at the point of their need.

Take responsibility and affirmation, for example. Some parents flick their switch all the way to the side of teaching responsibility. Their entire focus is on things like being on time, making good grades or getting chores done. The parents' demands are high, but they don't balance it all out with good doses of affirmation. It's all about following the rules.

Some parents flick the switch the other way. They affirm their kids in everything they do, but don't require anything of them. Their sole purpose is to make their children happy -- all the time. The problem is that the child gets the idea that they can have and do anything they want... but never believes they should have to correct their own behavior.

Effective parenting isn't about black-and-white thinking. It's about balance. Without affirmation, kids will get discouraged. But they also need someone who will put their foot down and say, "This is right, and this is wrong." Kids need both, and they get it when Mom and Dad parent like a dimmer switch with a range of responses.

Q: Is it fair for me to feel hurt and upset when I see my husband turn and look at other women? He's always been faithful to me, and I trust him. But it bothers me when he acts this way.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Don't dismiss your emotions. A good rule of thumb in marriage is that a problem for one spouse is a problem for both. So, you'll need to talk with your husband about his tendency to turn and look at other women. But first take time to think through a few basic questions to help you frame the way you share your concerns:

How long has this been going on?

If it's a new pattern, is there anything in your husband's life right now that might account for the sudden change?

Have you been having difficulties in other areas of your marriage?

Another important point is that men and women are wired differently. There's a difference between simply looking and looking with lust. Attraction is normal. When a good-looking female walks by and a guy notices, it's not necessarily the same thing as lusting after her. Lust involves a choice and an act of the will. It's a conscious decision to pursue a desirable object instead of simply allowing it to pass on by.

The issue is whether your husband's "turning and looking" is an intentional choice to pursue, or an unconscious knee-jerk reaction to a stimulus.

That's not to say that "turning and looking" can be dismissed. Any man who wants to honor his wife must learn to let sensory stimulation bounce off without taking root in his mind and heart. As the saying goes: You can't keep birds from flying over your head, but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair.

If you don't feel you can approach your husband about your concerns -- or he refuses to open up -- there might be deeper issues that should be addressed with professional counseling.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My spouse's substance abuse and drug addiction has had a devastating impact on our marriage and family. I feel as if I've just about reached the end of my rope. Help!

Jim: Perhaps it will encourage you to know that you're not alone. Drug abuse affects men and women from every age group, every socioeconomic class and all walks of life. In nearly every case it's rooted in the basic human craving for attachment and relationship. Addicts attempt to fill those gaps (real or perceived) and medicate the aching emptiness.

Because drugs and other addictive substances change the chemistry of the brain, addiction is something more than a vicious and self-perpetuating cycle. It's actually a physiologically based problem that can be extremely difficult to resolve. That's important to remember when seeking to help a loved one who has fallen prey to chemical dependency.

The good news is that effective help is available. I suggest that you and your spouse begin by seeking professional counseling -- and do this together. Generally speaking, weekly one-on-one counseling isn't sufficient to deal with an addiction of the intensity you've described. But a substance abuse counselor could be tremendously helpful in setting up an effective intervention and arranging a specific treatment option prior. The objective would be to persuade your spouse to agree to a program of in-patient treatment. Once this treatment is complete, the counselor could also participate in the follow-up plan.

For more specific guidance, I invite you to call our counseling department for a free consultation: 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Also, you might consider contacting the Lighthouse Network (lighthousenetwork.org), a clearinghouse for substance abuse referrals. They can help you locate a facility in your area that will help your spouse take positive steps in the direction of recovery. They can also provide information about insurance companies who are prepared to work with these facilities.

Q: How do I tell my young children (ages eight, seven and four) that their grandparents -- my husband's mom and dad – are splitting up as a result of Grandpa's involvement with another woman? These grandparents live out of state, so we only see them every few months. How do we explain that Grandma and Grandpa won't be together anymore?

Danny Huerta, Executive Director, Parenting & Youth: Children at this age don't have the capacity to understand the complexities of sexual infidelities and marital affairs. So, it would be wise to avoid getting into details except on a need-to-know basis. Here are a few tips:

-- Keep your comments as calm, genuine and generic as possible. For example, "Grandpa made some poor decisions that are hurtful to Grandma's feelings and their marriage."

-- Be honest with your children about how you as adults feel about what has happened -- but avoid throwing grown-up feelings onto the kids. Don't make your problem into the child's problem. Instead, say something like: "I feel ____, and this is what I'm doing about it."

-- Talk about coping with change without necessarily liking it. Emphasize that while you can't control Grandpa or "fix" the problems his decision has caused for the family, you can still love him, keep up your relationship with both grandparents and adjust to new patterns of staying in touch.

-- Use this tough situation to discuss the ripple effect -- how the decisions we make in our lives often affect other people in ways we might not have imagined.

-- Finally, patiently let your children express their emotions and confusion. Younger kids especially want to know how this affects their own lives -- it's not selfish, just how the brain works developmentally at that age. Keep in mind that kids' feelings often reflect their parents' emotions but are expressed in the child's unique way behaviorally.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've been battling severe depression and anxiety for some time. These feelings are bad enough, but I'm concerned that I'm making life difficult for my wife and kids. What should I do?

Jim: Your concern is actually a hopeful sign. Some who suffer from depression withdraw so deeply into themselves that they're incapable of thinking about others. I'm glad to hear of your care for your family and encourage you to follow that thought.

That said, it's worth noting that depression can distort your perceptions, including your sense of the impact on your family. Perhaps it's not as bad you fear. Talk with your wife and ask about her thoughts and feelings -- and listen carefully. She may be able to give you a more objective perspective. You must address your condition, but don't take on a needless load of worry or guilt.

Decisive action is vital in countering depression and anxiety. Are you talking with your family physician about this? Have you engaged the services of a licensed counselor? Do you keep appointments faithfully and follow doctor's orders? Have you started taking appropriate medication? If you've taken any of these steps, I applaud you. If not, I strongly recommend that you start now.

Once you're moving in the right direction, tell your spouse and children how you're combatting your depression -- and enlist their support. You'd be surprised what this kind of communication can mean. In talking openly about your struggles, you're giving your wife and kids a tremendous gift of encouragement and hope. In the end, you'll be stronger and closer as a family by facing the problem together as a team.

Our staff would love to help you on this journey. I invite you to call our counseling department for a free consultation: 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My boyfriend and I have been living together for the past couple of years, but I recently found out that he's been sexting a "friend" of mine. When I confronted him, he said it's my fault -- then left me and our baby. I feel so alone, hurt and betrayed. What should I do?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Your boyfriend's actions suggest he's ill-equipped and uninterested in being a husband or a dad. If that's his choice, you need to let him walk away. After all, he's responsible for his own behavior. Realistically, is the man you've described really the kind of person you want playing the role of father in your child's life?

This is the time to stand up for yourself and your baby. But note that ending the relationship with your boyfriend shouldn't release him from his financial obligations as a parent. You'd do well to legally secure that support.

Meanwhile, I strongly recommend that you start reaching out for help wherever you can find it, beginning with your own family if possible. Look into community resources, and seek out a good church.

Once you've addressed your physical needs and those of your baby, start working on the spiritual and psychological aspects of your situation. Honestly assess if there are negative personal issues in your past that may have led you to become involved with someone like your boyfriend in the first place. Deal with those issues now before initiating any new relationships with men. Our staff counselors can help (see phone number above).

One last thought: Even though living together before marriage might seem appealing for a number of reasons, research shows that couples who cohabitate are generally less satisfied in their relationship, are more likely to divorce if they do marry -- and frequently meet with experiences similar to your own. Going forward, we have extensive resources on building healthy relationships at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.