Q: How can we keep up a relationship with our son when his wife severed all contact with us several years ago? We've asked them many times to tell us how we've wronged them so we can make amends, but there has been no response.

Jim: My heart goes out to you. It does sound like this situation was triggered by some sort of offense, whether real or imagined. It could have been something you said or did. It might be a problem with your daughter-in-law. It may be nothing more than an unfortunate misunderstanding. The important thing is to keep your hearts open and communicate your love as best you're able.

Our counselors suggest three things you can do to preserve peace and sanity on your end and keep your conscience clear:

-- Honor the boundaries your son and his wife have set, no matter how harsh or unreasonable. If they've asked you not to call, don't call. If you violate these boundaries, you'll only end up validating their negative image of you.

-- Guard your own heart. It would be easy to fall into depression and anxiety or to beat yourself up and blame yourself for what has happened. Don't fall into that trap. Don't become bitter, and don't believe lies about your own worthiness as a person. Do whatever it takes to stay emotionally healthy and keep yourself psychologically safe in spite of the circumstances.

-- If the situation allows for it -- you know best if it does -- send your son and his wife a card with a brief message expressing your love and goodwill a couple of times a year, perhaps on birthdays and at Christmas. It's a small thing, but it will let them know that your hearts are still open toward them.

Our counseling staff would be happy to provide a one-time free consultation if you'd like; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I'm in my early twenties, living in my parents' home. I've had several relationships over the past few years, but my mom and dad haven't thought much of any of them. I want to honor my parents, but I also need to live my own life. How should I respond to my parents' negative feelings about the people I've been dating?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: To some extent, your present conflicts have less to do with the nature of your romantic interests than with the complexities of your living situation.

You didn't mention whether you're working full-time or attending college. In either case, you may want to begin working on a plan to become more independent and self-sufficient. A measure of financial independence can be surprisingly empowering and liberating.

Once out from under your parents' roof, you'll find it easier to sort out the family dynamics that have been frustrating your relationships with members of the opposite sex. You're wise, of course, to take your mom and dad's desires into account, and you certainly don't want to abandon the values they've worked so hard to instill in you during your growing-up years. At the same time, someone your age must learn how to think, choose and act independently. Living on your own will help you achieve the distance and perspective you need in order to do that.

When and if you find yourself involved in another romantic relationship, I'd urge you to move forward with caution and discernment. Give your parents' perspective the careful consideration it deserves. But take time to listen to the counsel of wise friends and advisers as well.

Focus on the Family offers a great resource and community for those wishing to live a purposeful single life and prepare well for marriage; see Boundless.org.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've racked up a fair bit of credit card debt the past few months while unemployed. Now that I'm working again, I have just enough in the bank to cover what I owe. Should I use my savings to pay off my credit card?

Jim: There are a lot of variations on the common question: "Should I pay off my credit cards first or put some money in savings?" The answer is "yes." That's because wise financial management is never an "either-or" proposition. It's a question of maintaining balance.

Financial success depends upon good stewardship. And good stewardship is founded upon four foundational planning principles: Spend less than you earn, avoid debt, set long-term goals and maintain liquidity. Your question sets two of these principles -- avoid debt and maintain liquidity -- against each other. But both are essential to your financial well-being.

Eliminating credit debt is the surest and highest form of investment return you can make. Not having to pay that interest cost each month is, in effect, the same as achieving the same rate of return on any monies you invest. At the same time, liquidity -- available savings, bank accounts and other resources that can be quickly converted to cash -- is indispensable in a world where the future is uncertain. An emergency savings fund can spell the difference between bankruptcy and financial survival if an unforeseen disaster arises.

I'd suggest that you lay out a plan to put some money toward debt payments each month while still earmarking some for your savings account. Make this plan a key part of your budget. You may not be able to do everything at once, but you can certainly do a little at a time -- a few dollars here, a few dollars there. Daunting as it seems, you simply have to discipline yourself to start small and build gradually. However you arrange it, it's wise to keep a hand on both priorities simultaneously.

Q: My husband is a great dad, but he lacks confidence. How can I help him understand just how important he is in our kids' lives?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: It might help him to know that his everyday "dad skills" aren't ho-hum stuff -- to your children these are superpowers. These skills include:

-- Observation. This might not sound impressive, but it's huge. It is incredibly meaningful when dads take note of their kids' words and actions and reflect those back verbally. It means Dad is trying to see into their world.

-- Building. Fathers can build both physically and verbally. At the very least, we can all build things with toy blocks with our kids. Why not look up videos on how to build things like a homemade water slide for the backyard, or a garden? While not all dads feel confident physically building things, every dad can develop verbal building skills. Our families are fueled by our supportive words. Speak, text or write a message of love or encouragement to your kids.

-- Listening. Kids yearn to be heard. When a dad truly listens, a child feels important and loved. Listening shows that you care about the person who is talking.

-- Teaching. The three superpowers above will help unlock this one. There are so many things a dad can teach -- life skills, sports, cooking -- you name it. The key to teaching is having a strong relationship with your child.

-- Strength. Dads can express physical strength in fun ways, such as wrestling with the kids, going on bike rides or playing sports. Strength of character can help dads communicate and teach values like optimism, curiosity and hope.

Your husband may not realize it yet, but his superpowers are waiting to be unleashed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Can you help me deal with the starving, binging and purging problem I've had ever since I was a teen? Thoughts of food rarely leave my mind. I'm fixated on my body weight. I feel guilty, shamed and dirty. How can I change?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. There's really no way I (or anyone else) can even scratch the surface of this issue in a limited venue like this column. But I do want you to experience something that may seem far away right now: hope.

There's a reason you've found it so hard to break this pattern. The starve-binge cycle is a bio-psycho-social-spiritual disorder that actually changes body chemistry. It does this by interfering with normal serotonin and endorphin levels. Change can be difficult and slow under these circumstances. But it's not impossible. The key is that you need caring people to walk with you on this journey. Don't try to go it alone.

It's also important to remember that there's a strong spiritual component to most eating disorders. So, with all of that in mind, I would strongly recommend that you contact one of our staff counselors for a free over-the-phone consultation. They will be happy to discuss your situation and supply you with a list of referrals to qualified therapists in your area. Call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Meanwhile, on the physical level, moderate exercise can be an important part of the reversal process. Dr. Archibald Hart's book "The Anxiety Cure" suggests a number of lifestyle alterations that can help get you moving in the right direction. I wish you the best.

Q: Our marriage has long been plagued by conflict and emotional pain. We've reluctantly concluded that we need to separate for a while. I don't know if our relationship will survive, but for our kids' sake and our own sanity I want to go about this process in the best way possible. Help?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Remember that marital separation is best understood as a strategy for healing a hurting marriage. As Gary Chapman says in his book "Hope for the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed" (which I highly recommend), "separation is not necessarily the beginning of the end." Rather, I'd advise you and your spouse to approach it as an opportunity to avail yourselves of some marital triage.

Be intentional in the way you go about it. Write up a list together of the goals you hope to achieve by this time away from one another. Decide on a time frame. Make a commitment to work on your issues during this hiatus in your relationship, both as individuals and as a couple. Document all these decisions to keep yourselves on track.

It's best to provide children with as much structure and stability as possible during a separation. Do everything in your power to maintain a normal schedule and preserve your kids' sense of normalcy and security.

Meanwhile, you'll likely have to interact occasionally about the children's needs, household affairs and other practical matters. Much of this can be handled by phone, text and email, but if you're involved in mutual counseling (as I trust you will be), you may receive "homework" assignments requiring you to meet in person. I highly recommend doing this in a neutral public setting like a coffee shop or restaurant. Prioritize conducting everything in a genial and businesslike manner.

Again, the goal is to heal your marriage. We have many resources to help at FocusOnTheFamily.com. And for relationships at the breaking point, our Hope Restored® program has an exceptional success rate in healing troubled marriages; see hoperestored.focusonthefamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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