Focus on the Family

Q: My mother is in her 80s now and showing symptoms of dementia. Her short-term memory is so poor that she can't remember what she said ten minutes ago. It's as if we're already losing her. How can we communicate and keep up a meaningful heart-to-heart connection?

Jim: Caring for a loved one with dementia may be difficult, but it also has its meaningful moments. Our counselors have several suggestions for someone in your shoes.

Stay open to the possibility of connecting with your mom in simple ways -- for instance, by sitting with her in the twilight, holding her hand, brushing her hair and witnessing her contented smile. Caregivers may also find a deep sense of fulfillment in the reversal of the parent-child relationship, cherishing the opportunity to nurture their aging loved one.

While you can expect to be surprised by times of joy, living with someone who is afflicted by dementia can take a severe toll on the caregiver and their family. As you move through this phase in your relationship with your mother, make sure that you're taking care of yourself. Watch for signs of over-stress and burnout. Be especially aware that the frustration and confusion you're encountering can leave you feeling angry, guilty, depressed and overwhelmed. You may experience emotions of grief and sadness if your mom lashes out at you or no longer recognizes you. So, it's important to protect your own mental and emotional health. If you don't take care of yourself, you won't be able to care for your mother effectively.

If you haven't already, you'll want to educate yourself on the various causes of dementia as well as medications currently being used to treat age-related memory loss. Your mom's doctor can help as you consider treatment cost and potential side effects that need to be balanced against the benefits.

On the practical level, it's important to have a plan of action to help you manage the needs of your loved one and still reserve some time for yourself. Here are some suggested steps to take:

-- Get a diagnosis. The sooner you know whether your mother has dementia that is treatable or untreatable, the better you'll be able to manage the situation.

-- Write a daily schedule. A structured day of planned activities will help promote a sense of routine and stability for your aging loved one.

-- Locate available resources. Take advantage of the services and information available from county and state health or social service agencies. A good starting place is the National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org).

-- Seek financial and legal advice. Prepare for the future by discussing your mother's needs -- such as wills, trusts and durable power of attorney -- with a professional financial adviser or an attorney.

-- Be realistic about your loved one's changing capabilities. Try to concentrate on your mother's remaining strengths to help her feel loved and valued. Having realistic expectations about her situation will minimize disappointment and frustration for everyone.

-- Ask others to visit your aging loved one. Anyone who knows and loves your mother can provide a familiar face and potential boost to her morale. If your mom is a person of faith, visits from your pastor and other church members can be especially meaningful.

-- Cope with change. Realize what you can and cannot do, and don't be afraid to ask for help. Others are often willing to assist, especially if the requests are very specific and time-limited.

If you have relationship concerns and challenges associated with this situation, please don't hesitate to give our counseling department a call at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time). I wish you and your mom all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm usually a pretty confident dad -- but the thought of having the "birds and bees" talk with my preteen son has me sweating bullets. Help?!

Jim: I understand. When the time came for me to talk with my oldest son, Trent, about sex, I was pretty nervous. Human reproduction can be difficult for two adults to talk about openly. It's an even more delicate conversation with a child. Nevertheless, I was ready to push forward.

After explaining the sacredness of human sexuality, I carefully described, in simple and age-appropriate terms, the basic mechanics of sex. When I finished, Trent was awfully quiet. He finally looked up at me and said, "That is weird! That is really weird!" I couldn't help but chuckle -- the innocence of youth!

But that's exactly what made his reaction such a beautiful moment. My son's introduction to this life-changing issue wasn't from kids at school, television or music lyrics. It was from me, his father.

Most of us guys appreciate that a tough job is easier with the right tools at hand. With that in mind, I'd highlight that our organization offers plenty of resources to help dads and moms walk through these challenging conversations -- including a new web-video-based kit titled Launch Into the Teen Years. Visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting and look for the "Sex Education" topic category.

"The talk" can be awkward -- for the child and for you. But I encourage you to take a deep breath and go for it! It very well could be one of the greatest gifts you can give to your child at the onset of their teen years.

Q: As a married person, is it OK to chat online or send private social media messages to members of the opposite sex?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: There's no simple answer to this question. Everything depends on who these "members of the opposite sex" are, the context of your communication with them, the background of your relationships with them and your reasons and motives for wanting to stay in touch. Are you talking about old friends of the family? Relatives? Coworkers? Members of a professional network? Or is this a question of renewing acquaintances with an "old flame" or two? For obvious reasons, it makes a huge difference.

From a certain perspective, maintaining a healthy marriage while wisely managing relationships with members of the opposite sex is no different in cyberspace than it is in the "real" world -- for example, at a party, at a high school reunion or while out to dinner with other couples at a restaurant. Sometimes it's just a matter of establishing and maintaining appropriate boundaries. On other occasions, it can be a fine art that requires wisdom, discernment and maturity.

Before you were married you may have had lots of friends of the opposite sex. But once you've said, "I do," your bond with your spouse must take priority over every other relationship. Most affairs begin as an innocent connection between two people. Time spent together, whether face-to-face, by phone or via computer, can lead to the sharing of intimate secrets -- which can then progress toward betrayal and infidelity.

In every circumstance, your love for your spouse and your commitment to your marriage should be your guiding principles. That love and that commitment represent the "bottom line" that determines all your thoughts, choices and actions with reference to individuals of the opposite sex. If you value your marriage and genuinely desire to protect it, you need to be on your guard against unforeseen threats.

So, I'd summarize it this way: If your chats or private messages venture into territory that you'd feel uncomfortable letting your spouse read -- it's time to stop.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My coworker recently suffered a miscarriage. I can tell she's really hurting, and I'd like to reach out somehow without putting my foot in my mouth. It's difficult to put myself in her place, but it's also hard to avoid saying something since I'm around her every day. How can I navigate this awkward situation?

Jim: In a case like this, naturalness and genuine humility will go a long way toward putting your friend at ease and helping her feel loved and cared for. Keep in mind that a miscarriage is the same as any other kind of death. It involves the loss of a real person.

Some suggestions:

Don't say: "I can imagine how you feel." If you haven't lost a child, you can't.

Don't say: "Let me know if there's anything I can do." This actually puts the burden on the bereaved person to think of something, and then to have to ask you for help.

Don't say: "God had a purpose for this." This makes God out to be the "bad guy" in the situation, and He isn't.

In contrast:

Do ask: "How can I pray for you right now?" Then remember to pray.

Do send a personal note or card now -- and perhaps also at the time the baby would have been born, which usually brings renewed grief.

Do offer to do one or two specific things to help the family in a practical way -- bring a meal, do laundry, yard work, etc.

Do make yourself available to listen. Most of the time, the gift of listening, your tears and a warm hug can help more than anything you could possibly say.

If you need more advice, feel free to get in touch with Focus on the Family's Counseling department at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I help my school-age daughter talk about her feelings? Our family has been through a rough time recently, and I'm worried that she's bottling things up.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Children often manage confusing or difficult situations with words like "what if" and "I wonder." They also use "should" and "could" to create order when circumstances are beyond their control.

-- What if? Children sometimes try to quiet unpleasant emotions by seeking explanations using "what if" questions. "What if I was better at sports? Would my dad love me more?" "What if mom and dad hadn't gotten a divorce?" Different scenarios are invoked to make sense of emotional pain.

-- I Wonder. "I wonder" questions tell a lot about a child's insecurities. "I wonder if my parents are going to get a divorce?" or "I wonder if my dad loves me?" are good examples. More than just curiosity, these questions express hopes and wishes for the best.

-- Should. "Should" statements communicate demand and expectation -- how life ought to be. "Dads shouldn't leave their families." "My mom shouldn't drink." While these may be true, many times "should" statements leave a child frustrated when things are not the way they "should" be.

-- Could. This is the most hopeful coping word. "Could" allows ownership of the things that can be owned. It lets a child accept the fact that some things can't be controlled, but life can still be OK. For instance, "My mom and dad could have stayed married, but they didn't. I could still try to have a good relationship with both of them, or I could stay angry." "Could" allows options like offering grace and forgiveness, and the freedom to live a life of resiliency.

Help your daughter process her "what if," "I wonder" and "should" thoughts. Teach her to use "could" ideas to experience emotional freedom.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.