Focus on the Family

Q: Is it even possible for our culture to heal from decades, even centuries, of racial inequality? Can different races really come together to champion the dignity of all people?

Jim: My African American friends and colleagues tell me that I have no idea what it's like to be a Black person in this country. I believe that's true. However, I do feel that I understand the depth of racial tension in our country better than many in the white community. I lived a couple of years of my childhood in Compton, California, in the late 1960s and early '70s. I've never been harassed because of my skin color, but I've witnessed racial issues up close and personal.

It seems impossible some days, but I believe there is hope. Healing can occur in the area of racial inequality under two conditions: Number one, people's hearts must change. And number two, we must restore the institution of the family to prominence and priority.

A change of heart is necessary because you can't force people to respect each other or see each other's value and dignity. Racism will only truly end when people are willing to bear one another's burdens and seek justice for all.

You also can't build a society of respect and understanding with broken families. When marriages break apart, values fall through the cracks. Children grow up without role models who teach them to respect people who are different from them.

The government can and should pass laws to protect against racism, but laws are powerless when it comes to the human heart. If we hope to create a better future for our children and our grandchildren, our hearts must change, and we must live out the virtues of justice and humility every day. The end of racism begins at home.

Q: My ex-husband left the family when I was three months pregnant and hasn't been in touch since. Lately my preschooler has been asking why his dad doesn't live with us. What should I tell him?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Your preschooler has asked a great question! It wasn't supposed to be this way, so naturally your son wants to know the "why." Preschoolers try to understand the world by looking at what other kids are experiencing and relating it to their own environment.

First, ask your son why he thinks his dad is not living with the family, and listen attentively. Then respond lovingly to his perceptions. Make sure to provide safety and trust to talk about feelings connected to his dad's absence. Let your son's ongoing questions guide the amount of detail he's ready for as he grows -- and emphasize that it's OK to talk about his feelings at any time.

Despite his absence, your ex-husband is still the boy's father -- so it makes sense that your son is curious and wants to fill information gaps to learn about his own identity. Tell him about his father's interests and background. Show him pictures.

The beauty of life is that there is always room for grace, redemption, resets and restoration. You want to be honest, yet respectful and hopeful. Help your preschooler know that his father has made a decision and, for now at least, will not be returning. That choice was not your boy's fault, and he needs reassurance of that truth.

Meanwhile, your son still needs to have positive male influences while he grows up -- coaches, mentors, pastors, teachers and hopefully extended family. Seek out stable men who can share guidance from a masculine perspective as your son matures.

If you'd like to discuss this situation at greater length, feel free to call our caring counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a grown woman with young children of my own, but my mom is still trying to control my life. She insists that we need to be "best friends" and reacts harshly if my husband and I connect with anyone else in our extended family without her being present. What can I do?

Jim: Healthy boundaries are good for all kinds of relationships, even between members of the same family -- especially relationships with controlling and manipulative personalities.

If your mom would actually be open to hearing your concerns, I'd suggest you (carefully and prayerfully) talk to her about your feelings. You might say something like, "Mom, I want very much to have a meaningful relationship with you, but only on the following terms." Then let her know that she simply doesn't have the right to hold you accountable for the time you choose to spend with other people. If she listens and agrees, you've gained your point.

If she refuses to listen -- and based on your description, she might -- you really have no choice except to back off and keep your distance. You can see her on holidays and at major family gatherings, but you'd be wise to keep your connection with her as light, cordial and superficial as possible.

You may feel as if you're losing an important relationship, but the truth is that there really isn't any relationship to lose. Honoring your parents doesn't necessarily imply that you must go along with everything they want you to do, especially when you're a full-fledged adult. There are ways to "honor" someone without giving in to unreasonable demands and sacrificing your own self-respect.

If you think it might be helpful to talk your situation over with a member of our staff, I invite you to contact Focus on the Family's Counseling Department. Call 855-771-HELP (4357) for a one-time free consultation.

Q: Is it reasonable to think of my husband's obsession with video and online games as an addiction? Every night when he comes home from work, he goes straight to the television or computer. On weekends he devotes hours on end to gaming. I'm very concerned about his behavior. Am I making a mountain out of a molehill?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Most people consider addiction to be related to substances like drugs or alcohol. In reality, addiction can involve anything that becomes such a priority to a person that he or she is willing to neglect friends, family, faith, responsibilities and even physical health to pursue it. Clearly, electronic games can produce this kind of addictive behavior.

This may sound extreme, but it needs to be said: Your description of your husband's behavior leads me to believe that he may need formal intervention, such as that used in dealing with an alcoholic. Focus on the Family's Counseling Department (see above) can help you with referrals to qualified therapists in your area.

A local counselor will likely want to enlist some of your husband's friends or family members, and perhaps your pastor. There may be a need for a group of you to sit down with your husband and confront him about his problem. In the best-case scenario he will admit that something needs to be done. He may even express a willingness to get help with his addiction. But there's also the possibility that he will react defensively and deny that anything is wrong. If that happens, you and the counselor will need to make some tough decisions about what to do next.

Regardless of the course of action you choose, you'll need the continuing support of friends, family, church and a caring therapist. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our elementary-school-age daughter has been invited to visit a friend's house. Normally I wouldn't hesitate to say "yes" since her friend is a sweet and respectful girl. But the other girl's father seems overly eager for our daughter to come over. Do you have any advice for responding to this situation?

Jim: Two questions immediately come to mind. First, will this "visit" be an overnighter, or is it simply an afternoon play date? That could make a difference.

It also leads to the second question: What you mean about the friend's father seeming "overly eager." Has he displayed an inordinate interest in your daughter? Or is he possibly just a friendly, hospitable and demonstrative kind of guy? You'll need to nail this down before making up your mind. Meanwhile, if you feel even the slightest sense of uneasiness for any reason, I'd urge you to hold off until all your concerns have been answered. As the saying goes, "Listen to your gut."

I suggest getting to know the other girl's parents first. Perhaps you could set up a play date in some neutral place, like a park or a playground. Or go with your daughter to the friend's house the first time and spend a couple of hours chatting with her parents while the kids play. You might even invite the other girl's parents over for dinner. Say something like, "We'd love to get to know you -- our daughters really seem to connect!"

If they turn you down, you have your answer. Or you might get more comfortable as you make their acquaintance. Your anxieties will either be dispelled or confirmed. Bottom line: Your daughter is worth the investment of time and energy to find out.

If you'd like to discuss your concerns with one of our staff counselors, I invite you to call 855-771-HELP (4357) for a one-time free consultation.

Q: When should I tell my children that we're having a baby? We have two daughters, ages 2 and 4, and my husband and I are anxious to share the news with them. But we also have reasons for being cautious -- I had a miscarriage six months ago. When is the best time to tell them? And what should we say if another miscarriage occurs?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Congratulations! Normally I'd say that sharing the news about your pregnancy with your daughters should be a joyous experience. Unfortunately, as you may already know, around twenty percent of pregnancies end in miscarriage during the first trimester. The risk is greater if you've had multiple miscarriages in the past. So, it's probably wise to wait to tell your children until you're past the twelfth week of pregnancy.

Then share the good news that God has blessed your family with a new baby, a precious little life that is already growing inside your tummy. Some parents wait to tell until Mom is visibly "showing" (around 16-20 weeks). As your pregnancy advances, have your girls feel your stomach and listen for the baby inside as he or she starts to move. If possible, you might even take them with you to your ultrasound appointment; if not, ask for a video or photos to share with them afterward.

If you do suffer a miscarriage, be honest with your kids. At 2 and 4, they're not developmentally equipped to understand death or process a parent's intense grief, but it's OK and healthy for them to see your sadness as you emotionally process the loss. Your girls may ask repeatedly if their brother or sister will be coming and when. Be patient as they learn the complex concept of empathy. And again, our counselors would be happy to help if necessary.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.