Focus on the Family

Q: I'm a mom. And a wife. And I work full-time. I love my family and I love being busy. But I feel a little ... resentful, I guess, and afraid that I'm going to fail somehow. What can I do?

Jim: For most moms, the job description seems to be something like this: You hit the floor running in the morning, and you don't stop until you collapse into bed exhausted late at night. Then you get up and do it all over -- and usually, you really do love it.

But your busy schedule is what I'd want to ask you about. Do you know how to care for your inner world as well as you do your outer world? We're all like pressure cookers. We can only handle so much stress. Sooner or later, we need a way to release it all.

You're probably thinking, "If I stop or cut back, who will get things done?" Or, "I can't do it all, but I feel like I have to." If you feel like you're barely holding your world together, you could be one crisis away from life spinning out of your control.

You really only have two choices. You can go through a crisis and discover that you MUST stop. Or you can head off a crisis by believing that you CAN stop. You won't find inner peace by controlling a crazy outer world, but by creating calm within your crazy.

Maybe you can find a few minutes to sit and be quiet. Or to enjoy lunch in the park, or a bubble bath after everyone else has gone to bed. There are a million options. Find a few that create physical and spiritual space. You deserve it. And you need it if you hope to refresh your mind, body and soul.

Q: How should we respond to our teenager when he claims that we don't care about what he has to say? We do try to give him our full attention whenever he talks to us, so we don't think his accusations are fair. But we also want him to know that we take him seriously.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: When a teenager brings this up, many times it is about the accumulation of multiple things emotionally. First, seek to understand where that thought is coming from. Ask questions to seek clarification. You can say, "Help me understand why you think we don't care about what you have to say," or "What is it that you need for us to understand that we are not understanding?" or "What have we missed?"

Don't let yourself get defensive. Your goal is to get to a rational and relational conversation while avoiding getting stuck in an emotionally charged exchange.

The second thing you want to do in response to this desire to be heard is to set up some one-on-one connection times. Invest time for trust and relationship to be built. The one-on-ones can be short moments of daily connection and somewhat longer times once each week.

Also, keep in mind that when a teen says he does not feel understood or heard, sometimes this may mean he doesn't think you are willing to let him get his way or what he wants. This might be a case of your teen getting stuck on what your response SHOULD be (in his mind) instead of what it COULD be. What is your son expecting as your response? He may be unhappy with a consistent boundary; that is OK. You are not his parent to make him happy, but to understand and guide him toward growth, including healthy maturity and healthy relationships.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We want our children to reach their full potential. But sometimes we're at a loss as to how to motivate them to do their best without getting pushy. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: It's actually pretty straightforward: Be their cheerleader. Affirmation beats out criticism and negativity any day. There's just one catch -- be careful you're cheering for the right things.

In football, for example, cheerleaders don't scream for the defense when the offense is on the field. They motivate their team by cheering for the right things at the right times. And that requires paying attention to what's actually happening in the game.

That's how you cheer for your kids, too -- by focusing your encouragement on who they can realistically become with some grit and determination. Maybe your child won't thrive in sports. They may be better suited for intellectual pursuits or activities like dance, art or playing an instrument. Perhaps their academic ability isn't as strong in math or science as it is in history or composition. Take that into consideration at grade-card time. Requiring excellence from a child who isn't gifted in an area is like asking them to grow a foot taller, or to become an introvert or an extrovert when they're naturally wired the opposite.

Of course, you want your children to work hard in every area of their lives. But you won't motivate them to strive for their potential by expecting the impossible. Every person is gifted in some way (I highly recommend the book "8 Great Smarts" by Dr. Kathy Koch). Build your child's competence by helping them discover their natural gifts and talents. Then cheer them on to be the best they can be.

For more ideas to help your children thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: When so many marital relationships end in divorce, why should I even bother tying the knot? It's hard to avoid the conclusion that the institution of matrimony has outlived its usefulness and doesn't mean much these days.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Well, I would respectfully disagree. Next to an individual's relationship with God, there's nothing in this world more important than the relationship between a husband and wife. That's why we're dedicated to doing everything we can to strengthen good marriages and bring healing and restoration to those struggling to survive.

On the practical side, reliable research consistently demonstrates that married people are healthier, happier, live longer, enjoy better mental health, have a greater sense of fulfillment and are less likely to suffer physical abuse than their unmarried counterparts. In addition to this, a study published in Psychological Reports reveals that married persons are less likely to feel lonely -- with the authors' definition of "loneliness" being "the absence or perceived absence of satisfying social relationships."

In a review of more than 130 published empirical studies measuring how marital status affects personal well-being, Dr. Robert H. Coombs of UCLA's Biobehavioral Sciences Department found that alcoholism, suicide, morbidity, mortality and a variety of psychiatric problems are all far more prevalent among the unmarried than among the married.

I could go on citing statistics, but I realize that won't help you much if your cynicism about marriage is based primarily on sour personal experience. In that case, there's no substitute for a good heart-to-heart talk with a caring professional who not only knows the psychological and sociological facts, but who will also listen to your concerns with compassion and understanding. If you'd like to discuss your feelings or your family history, I invite you to call Focus on the Family's counseling department at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Is it even possible for our culture to heal from decades, even centuries, of racial inequality? Can different races really come together to champion the dignity of all people?

Jim: My African American friends and colleagues tell me that I have no idea what it's like to be a Black person in this country. I believe that's true. However, I do feel that I understand the depth of racial tension in our country better than many in the white community. I lived a couple of years of my childhood in Compton, California, in the late 1960s and early '70s. I've never been harassed because of my skin color, but I've witnessed racial issues up close and personal.

It seems impossible some days, but I believe there is hope. Healing can occur in the area of racial inequality under two conditions: Number one, people's hearts must change. And number two, we must restore the institution of the family to prominence and priority.

A change of heart is necessary because you can't force people to respect each other or see each other's value and dignity. Racism will only truly end when people are willing to bear one another's burdens and seek justice for all.

You also can't build a society of respect and understanding with broken families. When marriages break apart, values fall through the cracks. Children grow up without role models who teach them to respect people who are different from them.

The government can and should pass laws to protect against racism, but laws are powerless when it comes to the human heart. If we hope to create a better future for our children and our grandchildren, our hearts must change, and we must live out the virtues of justice and humility every day. The end of racism begins at home.

Q: My ex-husband left the family when I was three months pregnant and hasn't been in touch since. Lately my preschooler has been asking why his dad doesn't live with us. What should I tell him?

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Your preschooler has asked a great question! It wasn't supposed to be this way, so naturally your son wants to know the "why." Preschoolers try to understand the world by looking at what other kids are experiencing and relating it to their own environment.

First, ask your son why he thinks his dad is not living with the family, and listen attentively. Then respond lovingly to his perceptions. Make sure to provide safety and trust to talk about feelings connected to his dad's absence. Let your son's ongoing questions guide the amount of detail he's ready for as he grows -- and emphasize that it's OK to talk about his feelings at any time.

Despite his absence, your ex-husband is still the boy's father -- so it makes sense that your son is curious and wants to fill information gaps to learn about his own identity. Tell him about his father's interests and background. Show him pictures.

The beauty of life is that there is always room for grace, redemption, resets and restoration. You want to be honest, yet respectful and hopeful. Help your preschooler know that his father has made a decision and, for now at least, will not be returning. That choice was not your boy's fault, and he needs reassurance of that truth.

Meanwhile, your son still needs to have positive male influences while he grows up -- coaches, mentors, pastors, teachers and hopefully extended family. Seek out stable men who can share guidance from a masculine perspective as your son matures.

If you'd like to discuss this situation at greater length, feel free to call our caring counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.