Focus on the Family

Q: I had a lot of goals for this year. But ... well, 2020! I'm really discouraged. Where does a person find the strength to keep going?

Jim: Here's one of the secrets to success when life gets tough -- just get to the next tree.

There's a military training school in Vermont that puts soldiers through some of the most unbelievable physical and emotional tests you can imagine. The challenge that produces the highest dropout rate is a rigorous hike up a snow-packed mountain with heavy rucksacks on their backs. The troops aren't given any special equipment. Their only tool for success is determination.

The soldiers trudge up the hill through knee-deep snow, and within 100 yards, some of them find the struggle to be too much. That's when the instructor tells the troops, "If you want to fail, focus on the top of the mountain. If you want to succeed, just get to the next tree. Then the next one. Do that again and again until you reach the top of the mountain."

That's how you reach a big goal. You pursue one small goal at a time. You write a book one word at a time. You stay sober one day at a time. You restore your marriage one counseling session at a time. Some days "the next tree" may be getting through this day, this hour, even this prayer, with hope.

That's how it is when you're struggling. Things are so tough you feel like you're standing at the bottom of a mountain and staring at the very top. This year of all years, for so many of us, the climb might even seem impossible. But you can make it to the top. Just get to that next tree.

We have loads of tips and resources to help -- including trained professional counselors who can come alongside you if need be -- at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: Greg, I'm a simple guy. So, I need one simple idea that will help us build a great marriage. What do you say?

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Well, there are several things I could suggest, like praying together. But I think I'll toss this one out: Laugh together.

Studies show that couples who laugh together are healthier, happier and more connected. Even little giggles between you and your spouse create relational bonds that draw you closer together. That's because laughter is a powerful connecter.

In fact, laughter is only partially about humor -- it's mostly about connection. Studies show that we laugh more when we're with someone than when we're alone.

My wife, Erin, and I have discovered that to be true. As anyone who knows us can attest, some of our greatest memories involve us laughing together. Occasionally -- OK, often -- it's been tough to stop. We've laughed so hard for so long that we started laughing at each other's laughing.

So, Simple Guy, there you go: Laugh. And the more the better. A friend of mine, author Ted Cunningham, encourages couples to strive for a laughter-to-conflict ratio of 100 to 1. That sounds like a lot -- and it is! -- but it's the heart behind the numbers that counts. The important thing is that you want your marriage to have as many points of connection as possible. And laughter is a great one.

By the way, if you're worried that you have to be a comedian to fill your marriage with laughter, don't sweat it. The point isn't about telling jokes to one another. It's about finding the humor in everyday life. It's about enjoying your life as much as possible -- together -- with smiles on your faces.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: I'm a mom. And a wife. And I work full-time. I love my family and I love being busy. But I feel a little ... resentful, I guess, and afraid that I'm going to fail somehow. What can I do?

Jim: For most moms, the job description seems to be something like this: You hit the floor running in the morning, and you don't stop until you collapse into bed exhausted late at night. Then you get up and do it all over -- and usually, you really do love it.

But your busy schedule is what I'd want to ask you about. Do you know how to care for your inner world as well as you do your outer world? We're all like pressure cookers. We can only handle so much stress. Sooner or later, we need a way to release it all.

You're probably thinking, "If I stop or cut back, who will get things done?" Or, "I can't do it all, but I feel like I have to." If you feel like you're barely holding your world together, you could be one crisis away from life spinning out of your control.

You really only have two choices. You can go through a crisis and discover that you MUST stop. Or you can head off a crisis by believing that you CAN stop. You won't find inner peace by controlling a crazy outer world, but by creating calm within your crazy.

Maybe you can find a few minutes to sit and be quiet. Or to enjoy lunch in the park, or a bubble bath after everyone else has gone to bed. There are a million options. Find a few that create physical and spiritual space. You deserve it. And you need it if you hope to refresh your mind, body and soul.

Q: How should we respond to our teenager when he claims that we don't care about what he has to say? We do try to give him our full attention whenever he talks to us, so we don't think his accusations are fair. But we also want him to know that we take him seriously.

Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: When a teenager brings this up, many times it is about the accumulation of multiple things emotionally. First, seek to understand where that thought is coming from. Ask questions to seek clarification. You can say, "Help me understand why you think we don't care about what you have to say," or "What is it that you need for us to understand that we are not understanding?" or "What have we missed?"

Don't let yourself get defensive. Your goal is to get to a rational and relational conversation while avoiding getting stuck in an emotionally charged exchange.

The second thing you want to do in response to this desire to be heard is to set up some one-on-one connection times. Invest time for trust and relationship to be built. The one-on-ones can be short moments of daily connection and somewhat longer times once each week.

Also, keep in mind that when a teen says he does not feel understood or heard, sometimes this may mean he doesn't think you are willing to let him get his way or what he wants. This might be a case of your teen getting stuck on what your response SHOULD be (in his mind) instead of what it COULD be. What is your son expecting as your response? He may be unhappy with a consistent boundary; that is OK. You are not his parent to make him happy, but to understand and guide him toward growth, including healthy maturity and healthy relationships.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: We want our children to reach their full potential. But sometimes we're at a loss as to how to motivate them to do their best without getting pushy. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: It's actually pretty straightforward: Be their cheerleader. Affirmation beats out criticism and negativity any day. There's just one catch -- be careful you're cheering for the right things.

In football, for example, cheerleaders don't scream for the defense when the offense is on the field. They motivate their team by cheering for the right things at the right times. And that requires paying attention to what's actually happening in the game.

That's how you cheer for your kids, too -- by focusing your encouragement on who they can realistically become with some grit and determination. Maybe your child won't thrive in sports. They may be better suited for intellectual pursuits or activities like dance, art or playing an instrument. Perhaps their academic ability isn't as strong in math or science as it is in history or composition. Take that into consideration at grade-card time. Requiring excellence from a child who isn't gifted in an area is like asking them to grow a foot taller, or to become an introvert or an extrovert when they're naturally wired the opposite.

Of course, you want your children to work hard in every area of their lives. But you won't motivate them to strive for their potential by expecting the impossible. Every person is gifted in some way (I highly recommend the book "8 Great Smarts" by Dr. Kathy Koch). Build your child's competence by helping them discover their natural gifts and talents. Then cheer them on to be the best they can be.

For more ideas to help your children thrive, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: When so many marital relationships end in divorce, why should I even bother tying the knot? It's hard to avoid the conclusion that the institution of matrimony has outlived its usefulness and doesn't mean much these days.

Greg Smalley, Vice President, Family Ministries: Well, I would respectfully disagree. Next to an individual's relationship with God, there's nothing in this world more important than the relationship between a husband and wife. That's why we're dedicated to doing everything we can to strengthen good marriages and bring healing and restoration to those struggling to survive.

On the practical side, reliable research consistently demonstrates that married people are healthier, happier, live longer, enjoy better mental health, have a greater sense of fulfillment and are less likely to suffer physical abuse than their unmarried counterparts. In addition to this, a study published in Psychological Reports reveals that married persons are less likely to feel lonely -- with the authors' definition of "loneliness" being "the absence or perceived absence of satisfying social relationships."

In a review of more than 130 published empirical studies measuring how marital status affects personal well-being, Dr. Robert H. Coombs of UCLA's Biobehavioral Sciences Department found that alcoholism, suicide, morbidity, mortality and a variety of psychiatric problems are all far more prevalent among the unmarried than among the married.

I could go on citing statistics, but I realize that won't help you much if your cynicism about marriage is based primarily on sour personal experience. In that case, there's no substitute for a good heart-to-heart talk with a caring professional who not only knows the psychological and sociological facts, but who will also listen to your concerns with compassion and understanding. If you'd like to discuss your feelings or your family history, I invite you to call Focus on the Family's counseling department at 855-771-HELP (4357) weekdays from 6:00 a.m. to 8:00 p.m. (Mountain Time).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.