Focus on the Family

Q: I grew up without a dad. Now I'm married and my wife is expecting our first child. I'm feeling anxious and unprepared. What does it take to be a good father?

Jim: I can relate. That was me. That IS me. Being a dad is tough enough regardless. But the job seems especially daunting for guys like us whose fathers were physically or emotionally absent. We understand -- perhaps in ways other men can't -- just how important it is for boys to have a healthy male role model in their lives.

Thankfully, God has graciously put some wise and solid men in my path to instruct, encourage and support me along the way. Based on how they've influenced my life, my first suggestion would be to find a mentor -- an experienced, older man who can help you discover what it means to be a good husband and father. A good place to look may be a church that has a strong men's ministry.

While you're looking for a mentor, we have plenty of helpful parenting tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting. Another excellent option for information is the National Center for Fathering; visit their website at Fathers.com for insights and resources.

In the meantime, it's also possible -- maybe even probable -- that your experience as a fatherless child has left you with some unresolved emotional issues. I'd encourage you to work through these as you seek to become the best dad you can be for your own children. We'd be happy to provide you with referrals for qualified counselors in your area.

Finally, I'd humbly suggest a book I wrote called "The Good Dad: Becoming the Father You Were Meant to Be." It's available at Store.FocusOnTheFamily.com or by calling 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Q: We have a strong-willed 4-year-old. He's always a handful, but especially at bedtime. Once we do get him to bed, he refuses to stay there! Help!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Take heart -- you're not alone. Bedtime battles with strong-willed children are common. Parenting these youngsters requires clear, consistent, caring and persevering discipline that balances love with limits. They can become amazing leaders as they grow, but they have to be guided -- and sometimes outlasted.

First, however, examine what your son is trying to accomplish by getting out of bed. Does he want control? Does he find conflict exciting and entertaining? Does he want to play? Is he trying to assert his power?

Ultimately, success depends on establishing clear expectations and meaningful consequences -- and applying them consistently. Be sure to discuss these consequences ahead of time. In other words, help your son clearly understand what is expected as he goes to bed and any loss of toys or privileges if he does not. Note that he WILL challenge and test if you'll actually follow through.

To give him the opportunity for delegated and appropriate control, have him come up with ideas for a successful bedtime routine and appropriate acknowledgment when he reaches set milestones (an entire night in bed, five straight nights, etc.). The goal is to help your boy learn how to appropriately gain the privilege of leading his own routine under your guidance.

Guiding and loving a strong-willed child can be exhausting and difficult. It may be a process of "two steps forward, one step back" for a while, but he can do it -- and so can you. If you find yourself getting very frustrated and out of control, take a timeout and breathe.

Finally, don't be ashamed or afraid to contact a counselor for some more tips specific to your situation. You can arrange a free consultation with a Focus on the Family counselor by calling 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm worried about my 10-month-old granddaughter's health. I love my son and daughter-in-law. But when I visited last week, the house was filled with trash, moldy food was stuck to the carpet and dirty diapers were spilling from the trash. My granddaughter is old enough to start crawling, but she's constrained to an infant seat to keep her from getting into these messes. Should I express my concerns over these troubling health conditions?

Jim: It's usually best for grandparents to keep their advice to themselves until asked. But in this situation, as you've described it, it's probably past time to intervene.

It might be a good idea to begin by enlisting the help of another adult -- preferably someone your son likes and respects -- who can join you in advocating for your granddaughter. Raise the subject gently but as straightforwardly as possible. Help your son and his wife see that this is more than just a question of personal preferences and different "styles" of housekeeping. They are, in fact, endangering the health and well-being of their child. Make yourself available to help with the cleanup and to offer assistance where needed.

If they won't listen, or if you don't see significant improvements within a reasonable amount of time, you may need to contact your county's agency of family services. Social workers will advise you on the various options available. Among other things, it's clear that your son and daughter-in-law need practical training in the fundamentals of child care. Mandatory counseling may also be necessary, but this is something for skilled professionals to decide. The important thing is for you, as a grandparent, to do everything you can to enlist the support and community services necessary to raise your son's family to a higher-functioning level.

Our counseling team would also be happy to offer further insights. Please call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I've been married for six years. We have a good relationship overall, but my wife's impulsive spending habits are a source of constant stress. We have the same argument every month when we get the credit card statement. She cries and apologizes -- and then keeps spending! What can I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: You've probably heard the old adage that "insanity" is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. We probably all fit that definition to some extent! But from your description of what's happening in your marriage, it's clear that you need a different approach.

Of course, money is a very emotional topic; in fact, financial stress and disagreements are consistently listed as leading causes of divorce. People spend and save for a variety of reasons that are often rooted in needs like security, comfort, relational power and validation. That means that when you and your wife have your monthly credit card confrontation, you're not just discussing dollars and cents.

Instead of reacting to the bill every month, I'd suggest you be proactive in addressing this issue. A good place you can turn to is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. His course will help you and your wife work through a budget based on principles that you both can agree on. You can find out more information by visiting www.daveramsey.com. We also have plenty of tips and insights at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage; look for the "Money & Finances" section.

Meanwhile, since financial issues involve emotions and relational tension, you might also want to enlist the help of a wise and caring marriage counselor. It's an investment that will pay off by strengthening your relationship. Our counselors can help you get started and refer you to a licensed therapist near you; call the number listed above. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our preteen son is extremely overweight. I want to help him trim down and learn better habits while he's young. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Statistics regularly show that childhood obesity is a serious problem. Children who are clinically obese are at risk for diabetes, heart disease, stroke, vascular disease, arthritis and even early death. That's not to mention the toll it typically puts on their self-esteem. So, I'd strongly suggest you start by discussing this issue with your child's doctor.

Meanwhile, it's particularly important to make this a family project. Our Physicians Resource Council suggests focusing on five things as a household: 1) better nutritional choices; 2) an increase in physical activity; 3) eating meals together as a family; 4) better rest and recreation habits; and 5) wise media choices.

One of the simplest things you can do is to turn off the TV and other screens and begin taking walks in the evening. By working together your son won't feel singled out, and it's much more likely he'll embrace the lifestyle changes he needs to make.

You might also want to talk to your son's teacher once school resumes. He or she might be able to encourage and incorporate healthy habits across the curriculum so that the entire class benefits. You can also maintain a degree of control over his caloric intake as he returns to school by packing him a nutritious lunch -- and by restricting money that might be used to buy unhealthy snacks from vending machines and convenience stores.

Most important, remember that your child needs an overdose of your love and acceptance throughout this process. Do everything you can to help him lose weight. But make it clear that your affections aren't contingent on his success in achieving that goal.

Q: How can I stop my middle-school-aged child from swearing? I've confronted him about this several times. But the problem only gets worse. What can I do?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Assuming you or your spouse don't swear at home yourselves, there are many places where he could have picked up this bad habit. Outside the family, the most common influencers are entertainment media and peers at school. While you can't shield him from every negative influence, it's important to regulate his media habits and delve deeply into his social interactions.

Your goals in this situation are to understand, respond and guide.

Understand. Instead of just confronting him, ask questions to get a sense of why he's choosing to swear. To look or sound cool? To assert his independence or separation from your family's values? An expression of anger? A reaction to feelings of rejection? Or a desire for power and control?

Respond. Take time to discuss how his motivations intersect with the values in your home. Talk about the importance of self-control as we speak. Words are powerful and can bring life to relationships -- or destruction. Words also reveal much about what's going on in a person's mind. Be patient and compassionate as you respond to your child's internal world that may be surfacing through inappropriate language.

Guide. Discuss other words that can be used in place of the language he's choosing. Set goals and establish clear rules and consequences relating to continued use of swear words. Learning to control his tongue is an element of learning to be life-giving toward others, versus being self-focused or offensive.

Finally, take time to celebrate positive steps as he works toward breaking a very difficult habit. Don't forget that you're working to establish relationship, growth and freedom -- not to make your child happy. For more practical parenting tips, go to FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.