Focus on the Family

Q: Our family schedules are always crazy, but the past year has made it worse. Whether I'm working from home or go to the office, I often don't finish until at least 6 p.m. Then I have to fix dinner while the hungry crew waits impatiently -- or just does their own thing. How can we make family meals a priority when we're all so busy?

Jim: Start by acknowledging that as a working mom with a busy family, you're not positioned to serve up the kind of family dinners your great-grandmother produced. That's OK. Don't give up; just change your strategy -- approach the problem from a different angle.

Remember that shared meals don't always have to happen at dinnertime or during the busy working week. Sometimes that's just not realistic. You'll be on the right track if you can manage three family meals a week. And you can achieve this if you're willing to adjust your plan to include weekends and other mealtimes. A little creativity and ingenuity can compensate for your lack of time.

One way to do this is to prepare a large number of meals beforehand. Numerous cookbooks and websites offer practical tips for planning and preparing meals "in bulk," such as the Once-A-Month Cooking series by Mary Beth Lagerborg and Mimi Wilson. You may also want to look at subscription-based services offering customized meal plans, recipes and correlated shopping lists; this can take much of the stress out of food prep so you can focus on the relational aspect of mealtimes.

If you don't want to get involved in planning that far ahead, you may be able to simplify things just by changing your ideas about dinner. The evening meal doesn't have to be a big production. The point is to have some family time around the table.

Q: My wife is a beautiful woman. She doesn't need makeup, but when we go out, she wears too much (in my view) and hides her innate beauty. I've tried to drop subtle hints that she's prettier with less, but she's not getting it. Should I keep my mouth shut or be more direct?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: My friend, you'd be wise to tread VERY lightly here. Matters of appearance are highly personal decisions -- for both men and women -- and they're tied closely to our sense of identity. Furthermore, while honesty is essential in a marriage, it's also critical to respect boundaries and your mate's feelings.

So, when dealing with delicate issues like this, first determine what the real issue is. In your case, that means you need to carefully examine YOUR motives. Is the energy here about your own preferences or how your wife's appearance makes you feel? Or are you truly seeking her best interest: trying to encourage her in how she feels about herself, or helping her understand how others may be misperceiving her?

If an honest assessment points the finger back at yourself, I'd strongly recommend you keep your opinions to yourself -- unless your wife asks for or invites them. If she does, limit your feedback to positive reinforcement, highlighting those things about her appearance that you appreciate.

On the other hand, if she's shared with you some doubts or insecurity about her clothes or makeup, you might gently offer some suggestions -- again, primarily affirming the things she already does that you find attractive. Make sure to compliment her when she isn't wearing makeup. If she expresses an interest in a session or two with a beauty consultant, gladly foot the bill as your unconditional gift to her. Bottom line: Value and guard the beauty of your wife's heart above all else.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I grew up without a dad. Now I'm married and my wife is expecting our first child. I'm feeling anxious and unprepared. What does it take to be a good father?

Jim: I can relate. That was me. That IS me. Being a dad is tough enough regardless. But the job seems especially daunting for guys like us whose fathers were physically or emotionally absent. We understand -- perhaps in ways other men can't -- just how important it is for boys to have a healthy male role model in their lives.

Thankfully, God has graciously put some wise and solid men in my path to instruct, encourage and support me along the way. Based on how they've influenced my life, my first suggestion would be to find a mentor -- an experienced, older man who can help you discover what it means to be a good husband and father. A good place to look may be a church that has a strong men's ministry.

While you're looking for a mentor, we have plenty of helpful parenting tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting. Another excellent option for information is the National Center for Fathering; visit their website at Fathers.com for insights and resources.

In the meantime, it's also possible -- maybe even probable -- that your experience as a fatherless child has left you with some unresolved emotional issues. I'd encourage you to work through these as you seek to become the best dad you can be for your own children. We'd be happy to provide you with referrals for qualified counselors in your area.

Finally, I'd humbly suggest a book I wrote called "The Good Dad: Becoming the Father You Were Meant to Be." It's available at Store.FocusOnTheFamily.com or by calling 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Q: We have a strong-willed 4-year-old. He's always a handful, but especially at bedtime. Once we do get him to bed, he refuses to stay there! Help!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Take heart -- you're not alone. Bedtime battles with strong-willed children are common. Parenting these youngsters requires clear, consistent, caring and persevering discipline that balances love with limits. They can become amazing leaders as they grow, but they have to be guided -- and sometimes outlasted.

First, however, examine what your son is trying to accomplish by getting out of bed. Does he want control? Does he find conflict exciting and entertaining? Does he want to play? Is he trying to assert his power?

Ultimately, success depends on establishing clear expectations and meaningful consequences -- and applying them consistently. Be sure to discuss these consequences ahead of time. In other words, help your son clearly understand what is expected as he goes to bed and any loss of toys or privileges if he does not. Note that he WILL challenge and test if you'll actually follow through.

To give him the opportunity for delegated and appropriate control, have him come up with ideas for a successful bedtime routine and appropriate acknowledgment when he reaches set milestones (an entire night in bed, five straight nights, etc.). The goal is to help your boy learn how to appropriately gain the privilege of leading his own routine under your guidance.

Guiding and loving a strong-willed child can be exhausting and difficult. It may be a process of "two steps forward, one step back" for a while, but he can do it -- and so can you. If you find yourself getting very frustrated and out of control, take a timeout and breathe.

Finally, don't be ashamed or afraid to contact a counselor for some more tips specific to your situation. You can arrange a free consultation with a Focus on the Family counselor by calling 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm worried about my 10-month-old granddaughter's health. I love my son and daughter-in-law. But when I visited last week, the house was filled with trash, moldy food was stuck to the carpet and dirty diapers were spilling from the trash. My granddaughter is old enough to start crawling, but she's constrained to an infant seat to keep her from getting into these messes. Should I express my concerns over these troubling health conditions?

Jim: It's usually best for grandparents to keep their advice to themselves until asked. But in this situation, as you've described it, it's probably past time to intervene.

It might be a good idea to begin by enlisting the help of another adult -- preferably someone your son likes and respects -- who can join you in advocating for your granddaughter. Raise the subject gently but as straightforwardly as possible. Help your son and his wife see that this is more than just a question of personal preferences and different "styles" of housekeeping. They are, in fact, endangering the health and well-being of their child. Make yourself available to help with the cleanup and to offer assistance where needed.

If they won't listen, or if you don't see significant improvements within a reasonable amount of time, you may need to contact your county's agency of family services. Social workers will advise you on the various options available. Among other things, it's clear that your son and daughter-in-law need practical training in the fundamentals of child care. Mandatory counseling may also be necessary, but this is something for skilled professionals to decide. The important thing is for you, as a grandparent, to do everything you can to enlist the support and community services necessary to raise your son's family to a higher-functioning level.

Our counseling team would also be happy to offer further insights. Please call them at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I've been married for six years. We have a good relationship overall, but my wife's impulsive spending habits are a source of constant stress. We have the same argument every month when we get the credit card statement. She cries and apologizes -- and then keeps spending! What can I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: You've probably heard the old adage that "insanity" is doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting different results. We probably all fit that definition to some extent! But from your description of what's happening in your marriage, it's clear that you need a different approach.

Of course, money is a very emotional topic; in fact, financial stress and disagreements are consistently listed as leading causes of divorce. People spend and save for a variety of reasons that are often rooted in needs like security, comfort, relational power and validation. That means that when you and your wife have your monthly credit card confrontation, you're not just discussing dollars and cents.

Instead of reacting to the bill every month, I'd suggest you be proactive in addressing this issue. A good place you can turn to is Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University. His course will help you and your wife work through a budget based on principles that you both can agree on. You can find out more information by visiting www.daveramsey.com. We also have plenty of tips and insights at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage; look for the "Money & Finances" section.

Meanwhile, since financial issues involve emotions and relational tension, you might also want to enlist the help of a wise and caring marriage counselor. It's an investment that will pay off by strengthening your relationship. Our counselors can help you get started and refer you to a licensed therapist near you; call the number listed above. I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.