Focus on the Family

Q: I love learning about the past. But it bothers me when I see people's ignorance of history on full display -- and I'm discouraged that our culture doesn't seem to value its importance anymore. I want my kids to develop an appreciation for history but don't know where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I'm encouraged by the spirit behind your question as well as its timeliness. After all, here in the United States we're celebrating a significant moment in history: the 245th anniversary of the birth of our nation.

History IS important. But sadly, many people have come to regard it as just a bunch of dates and events from long ago that have no relevance today -- or worse, they might even deny some events ever happened. These sentiments couldn't be more misguided. As philosopher George Santayana observed, "Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it." I believe there's great value in history's ability to teach lessons, impart wisdom, inspire and build character.

I'd suggest you begin by exposing your children to biographies and stories that will help them enter the worlds of key historical figures as well as everyday people of the past. Who were they? What did they value? What conflicts did they confront? Was their response villainous or virtuous? As your kids actively engage history in this way, hopefully they'll see that the universality of the struggles and principles of the past are just as applicable today.

Focus on the Family's media discernment website, PluggedIn.com, offers informative reviews of movies, TV shows and books -- including many historical and biographical accounts. I'd also recommend DriveThruHistory.com -- the home for an entertaining and educational range of video programs hosted by Dave Stotts. You might be particularly interested in the 12-episode Drive Thru History series "America: Columbus to the Constitution."

Q: Our 3-year-old son insists on sleeping with us every night. We've tried almost everything to keep him in his own bed, but we're at our wits' end. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a fairly common question -- and I hope you'll be encouraged that it's a winnable battle. You and your spouse must be unified and committed to reclaiming your bed, your sleep and your intimacy.

First, consider WHY he wants to sleep in your bed. If it's based on fear, try to solve the issue from his perspective (e.g., surround his bed with stuffed animals to keep guard at night). You're helping him learn how to manage and respond to his fears, which is a big and important lesson. But if it's a struggle for control, be ready to patiently and firmly redirect; success depends on your ability to establish meaningful consequences and consistent follow-through.

After you've put him to bed, be prepared to sit outside his door and intercept him immediately if he gets up -- but don't let it become a game. If he comes out, take him back to bed calmly, with a firm but loving demeanor, repeating the process as many times as necessary. It's a matter of simple endurance. And don't give in to deflections like yet another glass of water, etc.

Ultimately, your toddler needs to learn that you are the one in control and sleeping in your bed is not an option. If you or your spouse give in, this process will become more difficult.

Meanwhile, affirm him when things go well. For example, you might put a handful of marbles in a jar every time he stays in bed without issues. (Combine this with teaching him counting.) When the jar is full, you can celebrate by planning a fun family outing to the park or playing a favorite game.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our family schedules are always crazy, but the past year has made it worse. Whether I'm working from home or go to the office, I often don't finish until at least 6 p.m. Then I have to fix dinner while the hungry crew waits impatiently -- or just does their own thing. How can we make family meals a priority when we're all so busy?

Jim: Start by acknowledging that as a working mom with a busy family, you're not positioned to serve up the kind of family dinners your great-grandmother produced. That's OK. Don't give up; just change your strategy -- approach the problem from a different angle.

Remember that shared meals don't always have to happen at dinnertime or during the busy working week. Sometimes that's just not realistic. You'll be on the right track if you can manage three family meals a week. And you can achieve this if you're willing to adjust your plan to include weekends and other mealtimes. A little creativity and ingenuity can compensate for your lack of time.

One way to do this is to prepare a large number of meals beforehand. Numerous cookbooks and websites offer practical tips for planning and preparing meals "in bulk," such as the Once-A-Month Cooking series by Mary Beth Lagerborg and Mimi Wilson. You may also want to look at subscription-based services offering customized meal plans, recipes and correlated shopping lists; this can take much of the stress out of food prep so you can focus on the relational aspect of mealtimes.

If you don't want to get involved in planning that far ahead, you may be able to simplify things just by changing your ideas about dinner. The evening meal doesn't have to be a big production. The point is to have some family time around the table.

Q: My wife is a beautiful woman. She doesn't need makeup, but when we go out, she wears too much (in my view) and hides her innate beauty. I've tried to drop subtle hints that she's prettier with less, but she's not getting it. Should I keep my mouth shut or be more direct?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: My friend, you'd be wise to tread VERY lightly here. Matters of appearance are highly personal decisions -- for both men and women -- and they're tied closely to our sense of identity. Furthermore, while honesty is essential in a marriage, it's also critical to respect boundaries and your mate's feelings.

So, when dealing with delicate issues like this, first determine what the real issue is. In your case, that means you need to carefully examine YOUR motives. Is the energy here about your own preferences or how your wife's appearance makes you feel? Or are you truly seeking her best interest: trying to encourage her in how she feels about herself, or helping her understand how others may be misperceiving her?

If an honest assessment points the finger back at yourself, I'd strongly recommend you keep your opinions to yourself -- unless your wife asks for or invites them. If she does, limit your feedback to positive reinforcement, highlighting those things about her appearance that you appreciate.

On the other hand, if she's shared with you some doubts or insecurity about her clothes or makeup, you might gently offer some suggestions -- again, primarily affirming the things she already does that you find attractive. Make sure to compliment her when she isn't wearing makeup. If she expresses an interest in a session or two with a beauty consultant, gladly foot the bill as your unconditional gift to her. Bottom line: Value and guard the beauty of your wife's heart above all else.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I grew up without a dad. Now I'm married and my wife is expecting our first child. I'm feeling anxious and unprepared. What does it take to be a good father?

Jim: I can relate. That was me. That IS me. Being a dad is tough enough regardless. But the job seems especially daunting for guys like us whose fathers were physically or emotionally absent. We understand -- perhaps in ways other men can't -- just how important it is for boys to have a healthy male role model in their lives.

Thankfully, God has graciously put some wise and solid men in my path to instruct, encourage and support me along the way. Based on how they've influenced my life, my first suggestion would be to find a mentor -- an experienced, older man who can help you discover what it means to be a good husband and father. A good place to look may be a church that has a strong men's ministry.

While you're looking for a mentor, we have plenty of helpful parenting tips at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Parenting. Another excellent option for information is the National Center for Fathering; visit their website at Fathers.com for insights and resources.

In the meantime, it's also possible -- maybe even probable -- that your experience as a fatherless child has left you with some unresolved emotional issues. I'd encourage you to work through these as you seek to become the best dad you can be for your own children. We'd be happy to provide you with referrals for qualified counselors in your area.

Finally, I'd humbly suggest a book I wrote called "The Good Dad: Becoming the Father You Were Meant to Be." It's available at Store.FocusOnTheFamily.com or by calling 800-A-FAMILY (232-6459).

Q: We have a strong-willed 4-year-old. He's always a handful, but especially at bedtime. Once we do get him to bed, he refuses to stay there! Help!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Take heart -- you're not alone. Bedtime battles with strong-willed children are common. Parenting these youngsters requires clear, consistent, caring and persevering discipline that balances love with limits. They can become amazing leaders as they grow, but they have to be guided -- and sometimes outlasted.

First, however, examine what your son is trying to accomplish by getting out of bed. Does he want control? Does he find conflict exciting and entertaining? Does he want to play? Is he trying to assert his power?

Ultimately, success depends on establishing clear expectations and meaningful consequences -- and applying them consistently. Be sure to discuss these consequences ahead of time. In other words, help your son clearly understand what is expected as he goes to bed and any loss of toys or privileges if he does not. Note that he WILL challenge and test if you'll actually follow through.

To give him the opportunity for delegated and appropriate control, have him come up with ideas for a successful bedtime routine and appropriate acknowledgment when he reaches set milestones (an entire night in bed, five straight nights, etc.). The goal is to help your boy learn how to appropriately gain the privilege of leading his own routine under your guidance.

Guiding and loving a strong-willed child can be exhausting and difficult. It may be a process of "two steps forward, one step back" for a while, but he can do it -- and so can you. If you find yourself getting very frustrated and out of control, take a timeout and breathe.

Finally, don't be ashamed or afraid to contact a counselor for some more tips specific to your situation. You can arrange a free consultation with a Focus on the Family counselor by calling 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.