Focus on the Family

Q: My husband was an excellent athlete growing up, and now so is our son. But the boy doesn't enjoy playing because of the pressure he gets from Dad to perform. This is becoming a real source of tension in our home. What can I do?

Jim: I grew up enjoying and benefitting from sports, so in many ways I can understand your husband's eagerness to pass some of the same positive experiences on to your son. At the same time, my own boys didn't take to sports the way I did, so I had to learn to temper my enthusiasm.

For some children, sports can be an excellent vehicle for teaching self-discipline and encouraging the pursuit of excellence. But it's critical that the parent-child relationship ALWAYS be based on unconditional love and acceptance. Kids desperately need Mom and Dad to be their biggest cheerleaders, affirming them when they succeed -- and, especially, encouraging them when they fail.

If we as dads (or moms) are overly competitive, we can often make the mistake of basing worth (our kids' or our own) on achievement. Only affirming our children when they succeed is a very bad move. It may negatively impact the child's self-esteem for the rest of his or her life. It will also place an unnecessary strain on the parent-child relationship, setting up some major explosions when the teen years roll around.

If your husband has difficulty parenting this way, you may want to get a copy of Dr. Tim Kimmel's insightful book Grace-Based Parenting and study it together. Then spend some time discussing the changes that one or both of you may need to make in your interactions with your son. I'd also invite you to give our counselors a call at 855-771-HELP (4357). I wish you all the best.

Q: I was divorced several years ago. Since that time, my ex-husband has turned his life around. We've actually started dating again and I have a feeling he's going to "pop the question" again soon. Do you think remarriage is a good idea in this case?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: These days, divorce is unfortunately rampant and reconciliation is rare. So a story like yours is encouraging. And yes, I do think remarriage is a good idea -- provided you can avoid the problems that led to your divorce in the first place.

When you say your ex-husband has "turned his life around," that suggests that the divorce was primarily the result of his bad behavior. It's great to hear that his attitudes have apparently been transformed -- but you should still proceed with caution. Given your history, make sure that you've seen concrete evidence of your husband's changed heart over time before you jump back into marriage. Don't set a timeline for moving forward until you're firmly convinced on this point.

I also recommend that you take a look at your own heart and motivations -- and honestly consider the role you may have played, however small, in the divorce. Have you sufficiently dealt with those issues? Meanwhile, if you have children, they have already been impacted by your divorce; you certainly don't want to make matters worse by remarrying and then splitting up again if things don't work out.

What you need most right now is the help and guidance of an experienced marriage counselor. He or she can help you both fully explore whether you're ready for remarriage and help you determine the best course of action. Focus on the Family's Counseling Department can refer you to qualified marriage-and-family professionals in your area; you can call the number listed above or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I love learning about the past. But it bothers me when I see people's ignorance of history on full display -- and I'm discouraged that our culture doesn't seem to value its importance anymore. I want my kids to develop an appreciation for history but don't know where to start. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: I'm encouraged by the spirit behind your question as well as its timeliness. After all, here in the United States we're celebrating a significant moment in history: the 245th anniversary of the birth of our nation.

History IS important. But sadly, many people have come to regard it as just a bunch of dates and events from long ago that have no relevance today -- or worse, they might even deny some events ever happened. These sentiments couldn't be more misguided. As philosopher George Santayana observed, "Those who don't remember the past are doomed to repeat it." I believe there's great value in history's ability to teach lessons, impart wisdom, inspire and build character.

I'd suggest you begin by exposing your children to biographies and stories that will help them enter the worlds of key historical figures as well as everyday people of the past. Who were they? What did they value? What conflicts did they confront? Was their response villainous or virtuous? As your kids actively engage history in this way, hopefully they'll see that the universality of the struggles and principles of the past are just as applicable today.

Focus on the Family's media discernment website, PluggedIn.com, offers informative reviews of movies, TV shows and books -- including many historical and biographical accounts. I'd also recommend DriveThruHistory.com -- the home for an entertaining and educational range of video programs hosted by Dave Stotts. You might be particularly interested in the 12-episode Drive Thru History series "America: Columbus to the Constitution."

Q: Our 3-year-old son insists on sleeping with us every night. We've tried almost everything to keep him in his own bed, but we're at our wits' end. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a fairly common question -- and I hope you'll be encouraged that it's a winnable battle. You and your spouse must be unified and committed to reclaiming your bed, your sleep and your intimacy.

First, consider WHY he wants to sleep in your bed. If it's based on fear, try to solve the issue from his perspective (e.g., surround his bed with stuffed animals to keep guard at night). You're helping him learn how to manage and respond to his fears, which is a big and important lesson. But if it's a struggle for control, be ready to patiently and firmly redirect; success depends on your ability to establish meaningful consequences and consistent follow-through.

After you've put him to bed, be prepared to sit outside his door and intercept him immediately if he gets up -- but don't let it become a game. If he comes out, take him back to bed calmly, with a firm but loving demeanor, repeating the process as many times as necessary. It's a matter of simple endurance. And don't give in to deflections like yet another glass of water, etc.

Ultimately, your toddler needs to learn that you are the one in control and sleeping in your bed is not an option. If you or your spouse give in, this process will become more difficult.

Meanwhile, affirm him when things go well. For example, you might put a handful of marbles in a jar every time he stays in bed without issues. (Combine this with teaching him counting.) When the jar is full, you can celebrate by planning a fun family outing to the park or playing a favorite game.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our family schedules are always crazy, but the past year has made it worse. Whether I'm working from home or go to the office, I often don't finish until at least 6 p.m. Then I have to fix dinner while the hungry crew waits impatiently -- or just does their own thing. How can we make family meals a priority when we're all so busy?

Jim: Start by acknowledging that as a working mom with a busy family, you're not positioned to serve up the kind of family dinners your great-grandmother produced. That's OK. Don't give up; just change your strategy -- approach the problem from a different angle.

Remember that shared meals don't always have to happen at dinnertime or during the busy working week. Sometimes that's just not realistic. You'll be on the right track if you can manage three family meals a week. And you can achieve this if you're willing to adjust your plan to include weekends and other mealtimes. A little creativity and ingenuity can compensate for your lack of time.

One way to do this is to prepare a large number of meals beforehand. Numerous cookbooks and websites offer practical tips for planning and preparing meals "in bulk," such as the Once-A-Month Cooking series by Mary Beth Lagerborg and Mimi Wilson. You may also want to look at subscription-based services offering customized meal plans, recipes and correlated shopping lists; this can take much of the stress out of food prep so you can focus on the relational aspect of mealtimes.

If you don't want to get involved in planning that far ahead, you may be able to simplify things just by changing your ideas about dinner. The evening meal doesn't have to be a big production. The point is to have some family time around the table.

Q: My wife is a beautiful woman. She doesn't need makeup, but when we go out, she wears too much (in my view) and hides her innate beauty. I've tried to drop subtle hints that she's prettier with less, but she's not getting it. Should I keep my mouth shut or be more direct?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: My friend, you'd be wise to tread VERY lightly here. Matters of appearance are highly personal decisions -- for both men and women -- and they're tied closely to our sense of identity. Furthermore, while honesty is essential in a marriage, it's also critical to respect boundaries and your mate's feelings.

So, when dealing with delicate issues like this, first determine what the real issue is. In your case, that means you need to carefully examine YOUR motives. Is the energy here about your own preferences or how your wife's appearance makes you feel? Or are you truly seeking her best interest: trying to encourage her in how she feels about herself, or helping her understand how others may be misperceiving her?

If an honest assessment points the finger back at yourself, I'd strongly recommend you keep your opinions to yourself -- unless your wife asks for or invites them. If she does, limit your feedback to positive reinforcement, highlighting those things about her appearance that you appreciate.

On the other hand, if she's shared with you some doubts or insecurity about her clothes or makeup, you might gently offer some suggestions -- again, primarily affirming the things she already does that you find attractive. Make sure to compliment her when she isn't wearing makeup. If she expresses an interest in a session or two with a beauty consultant, gladly foot the bill as your unconditional gift to her. Bottom line: Value and guard the beauty of your wife's heart above all else.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.