Focus on the Family

Q: My fiancé and I are looking forward to getting married. But we've run into a conflict concerning finances. Should we have joint or separate checking accounts after we're married?

Jim: You'll hear various opinions on this question. In my mind, a "yours and mine" mentality isn't conducive to a healthy, happy marriage. A husband and wife are not two people who happen to sleep in the same bed but lead separate and independent lives. Marriage is best and most fulfilling when you are both all-in and cast your lot together -- for better or worse. Sharing your financial assets is an important part of sharing life as a whole. And this includes the establishment of joint accounts.

Now, there may be some circumstances that necessitate opening separate accounts for separate things -- for example, a personal business venture. But generally, it's best to handle your finances (and everything else in life) as a team. If you're both working, you can put all of your earnings into one account and then agree that you'll each receive an equal share of monthly "allowance." That's the simplest way to keep yourselves accountable to one another.

If either of you are uneasy with this arrangement, you need to determine why. If two people don't feel they can trust or ought to be accountable to one another, they would be well-advised to reevaluate their marriage plans. That's one reason why premarital counseling is so important -- it allows you to gain clarity on such issues before you tie the knot.

We have plenty of resources to help, including premarital assessment tools, at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband is a former military man -- special forces, in fact. Ever since his last deployment a few years ago, my kids and I have been subjected to verbal put-downs, emotional abuse and even threats of physical violence. I believe he's suffering from post-traumatic stress, so I try to give him a pass. But where is the line?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Unfortunately, the situation you have described is not unusual. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a well-documented issue in today's war-torn world. Many returning veterans find it difficult to share their emotional pain. They've been to the brink of hell and back. They naturally assume that only those who have actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. As a result, they keep their mouths shut and stuff their feelings deep inside. All too often, when this emotional suffering does finally "vent," it may find expression in the form of domestic abuse.

Does PTSD-induced abuse call for a special response? Yes and no. On one hand, if your husband is suffering from the psychological impact of his combat experiences, there's a sense in which his condition is unique. It's vital that he receive specialized professional help as soon as possible.

At the same time, I must quickly add that your dilemma isn't significantly different from that of any other abused or threatened spouse. Regardless of the underlying causes, a person in your position really has no choice. You must adopt the attitude that safety is your top priority. If your husband becomes physically violent, don't hesitate to call 911. And if it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, make it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Bottom line: Seek help. Because PTSD is so prevalent, most branches of the military are now providing private, confidential, one-on-one counseling for those who are struggling with the fallout of combat service. In addition, our staff of counseling professionals stand ready and eager to be of help. For a free consultation, you can call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Working from home during the pandemic was a revelation for me about what my wife does as a stay-at-home mom caring for two little kids. Now that I'm back at the office, how can I continue to help shoulder the load?

Jim: A lot of guys got that wake-up call over the last year-and-a-half, while moms are saying, "It's about time!" Here are a few ways you can help:

First, when you come home after a long and tiring day, remember that your wife's day was equally (or more) exhausting. She needs two things at this point: 1) adult conversation, including true appreciation for what she's been doing; and 2) a pair of hands to pitch in and help with the kids, the dishes and so on.

Second, don't expect to be taken care of like another child. Pick up your own clothes and toys.

Third, don't expect much sexual response if your wife is exhausted and you haven't done much to help. As my friend Dr. Kevin Leman says, "sex begins in the kitchen" -- with meaningful conversation, compliments and acts of kindness.

Fourth, be involved in the process of preparing your children for bed. This provides relief for your wife and also gives you quality time with your little ones.

Fifth, maintain a regular date night -- a restaurant, a walk, a concert or whatever your imagination and budget can manage.

Sixth, if your hours at work are too long, make a real effort to cut back. Don't fall for the wrongheaded idea that your career is more fulfilling than your life at home.

Finally, try to escape for a romantic weekend periodically and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. With planning and creativity, this doesn't have to be expensive.

Q: Our family is so busy trying to balance all the demands on everyone's schedule. With the kids' endless activities and school requirements, I sometimes wonder if they should have the added burden of doing chores. What do you think?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Yes, it's important to prioritize and manage schedules so that life isn't harried and out of balance for kids or parents. But performing certain tasks around the house is good for children. It gives them a sense of belonging and identity in the family, allowing them to see and understand what it takes to keep the household operating smoothly.

Household chores also represent some of the most significant opportunities to prepare our kids for adulthood. What they learn now -- things like responsibility, humility and a good work ethic -- are values they'll carry with them into independent life on their own someday.

A good place to start is to have a family meeting and identify your household values. Your children will be more receptive to fulfilling their roles in the home when they understand the "why."

For younger children, simple tasks like picking up toys or making their bed can be an ideal way to build self-confidence. When a toddler successfully completes small jobs they're given, they feel good about themselves, and they'll want to take on even bigger challenges. That's a quality they'll need as they move through their elementary school years.

As children enter adolescence, depending on your relationship with them, you might encounter more resistance. With so many distractions competing for their time and attention, helping around the house may feel less interesting or fulfilling to them. But even mundane tasks can help teens develop the maturity and experience they'll need as adults. Chores give your kids the opportunity to learn service, humility and love for others.

You can find a helpful, detailed list of ideas at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting/age-appropriate-chores-for-kids/.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband was an excellent athlete growing up, and now so is our son. But the boy doesn't enjoy playing because of the pressure he gets from Dad to perform. This is becoming a real source of tension in our home. What can I do?

Jim: I grew up enjoying and benefitting from sports, so in many ways I can understand your husband's eagerness to pass some of the same positive experiences on to your son. At the same time, my own boys didn't take to sports the way I did, so I had to learn to temper my enthusiasm.

For some children, sports can be an excellent vehicle for teaching self-discipline and encouraging the pursuit of excellence. But it's critical that the parent-child relationship ALWAYS be based on unconditional love and acceptance. Kids desperately need Mom and Dad to be their biggest cheerleaders, affirming them when they succeed -- and, especially, encouraging them when they fail.

If we as dads (or moms) are overly competitive, we can often make the mistake of basing worth (our kids' or our own) on achievement. Only affirming our children when they succeed is a very bad move. It may negatively impact the child's self-esteem for the rest of his or her life. It will also place an unnecessary strain on the parent-child relationship, setting up some major explosions when the teen years roll around.

If your husband has difficulty parenting this way, you may want to get a copy of Dr. Tim Kimmel's insightful book Grace-Based Parenting and study it together. Then spend some time discussing the changes that one or both of you may need to make in your interactions with your son. I'd also invite you to give our counselors a call at 855-771-HELP (4357). I wish you all the best.

Q: I was divorced several years ago. Since that time, my ex-husband has turned his life around. We've actually started dating again and I have a feeling he's going to "pop the question" again soon. Do you think remarriage is a good idea in this case?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: These days, divorce is unfortunately rampant and reconciliation is rare. So a story like yours is encouraging. And yes, I do think remarriage is a good idea -- provided you can avoid the problems that led to your divorce in the first place.

When you say your ex-husband has "turned his life around," that suggests that the divorce was primarily the result of his bad behavior. It's great to hear that his attitudes have apparently been transformed -- but you should still proceed with caution. Given your history, make sure that you've seen concrete evidence of your husband's changed heart over time before you jump back into marriage. Don't set a timeline for moving forward until you're firmly convinced on this point.

I also recommend that you take a look at your own heart and motivations -- and honestly consider the role you may have played, however small, in the divorce. Have you sufficiently dealt with those issues? Meanwhile, if you have children, they have already been impacted by your divorce; you certainly don't want to make matters worse by remarrying and then splitting up again if things don't work out.

What you need most right now is the help and guidance of an experienced marriage counselor. He or she can help you both fully explore whether you're ready for remarriage and help you determine the best course of action. Focus on the Family's Counseling Department can refer you to qualified marriage-and-family professionals in your area; you can call the number listed above or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.