Focus on the Family

Q: I'm a divorced single mom trying to find another relationship and develop a social life. But my young son doesn't like to "share" me with anyone else. He disliked my last boyfriend so much that I was forced to end the relationship. What can I do?

Jim: Re-entering the dating arena can be a real challenge for single parents. We usually recommend that they don't involve children in the process until the relationship is well established and the couple is seriously considering marriage. Otherwise, the child may get accustomed to his parent's dating partner and begin to form an attachment -- and then the relationship ends, resulting in yet another experience of significant loss in the child's life.

I'd suggest that the next time you become involved in a romantic relationship, don't push your son to get to know your boyfriend until the two of you are sure that you're moving toward engagement and marriage. At that point, have a heart-to-heart talk with your boy. Assure him of your love and commitment to him, and that you realize no one could ever replace his dad. Explain that you don't expect your boyfriend to be his father, but that because you love this man very much, you want him to have a place in the family.

So, take it slow and gradually introduce your child to the new relationship. Don't expect instant bonding, and don't pressure your son and your boyfriend to become instant buddies. You might start by including your boyfriend in some activities that your son enjoys.

Above all, carefully consider whether the man you're dating has what it takes to become a positive influence in your child's life. Your primary responsibility is your son -- so it's critical that you determine whether your romantic interest has the depth of character to become a good stepparent.

Q: We've always tried to encourage our kids to set goals and work toward them. But these past 18 months -- our whole family just feels stuck. Do have any suggestions that can help us get unstuck?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Every living thing in the universe (including your family) is moving in some way and has momentum. The question is whether your family's momentum is positive or negative.

Positive momentum builds relational stability and health, while negative momentum moves toward dysfunction and dissatisfaction. A family's negative momentum can be tough to change, especially when working against unhealthy patterns and habits. But here's the good news: Every day is a new opportunity to move toward the positive.

Think of your situation. Are you overwhelmed and exhausted? Have you surrendered on some important boundaries for your children? Have certain circumstances intensified momentum in the wrong direction? Consider these ideas for shifting momentum in your home:

Look in the mirror. It's easy to blame others and circumstances for our difficulties, but we can change this by redirecting our own thoughts and actions.

If you're married, love your spouse. The relationship between a husband and wife is foundational to the home. When that relationship is going well, it is more likely that parents will have the mental and emotional energy to love and guide their children.

Smile. Even if things aren't going well, smiling can help loosen up your mind toward possibilities rather than getting stuck on limitations. Experiment with the ripple effect of a genuine smile on your family.

Make time to talk. Conversation that is loving, warm and understanding can create positive momentum, regardless of your circumstances. Use life-giving words that bring truth, encouragement and, when needed, loving correction.

Carve out time together. Play board games, exercise together, take walks or cook as a family. The key is doing things together.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My fiancé and I are looking forward to getting married. But we've run into a conflict concerning finances. Should we have joint or separate checking accounts after we're married?

Jim: You'll hear various opinions on this question. In my mind, a "yours and mine" mentality isn't conducive to a healthy, happy marriage. A husband and wife are not two people who happen to sleep in the same bed but lead separate and independent lives. Marriage is best and most fulfilling when you are both all-in and cast your lot together -- for better or worse. Sharing your financial assets is an important part of sharing life as a whole. And this includes the establishment of joint accounts.

Now, there may be some circumstances that necessitate opening separate accounts for separate things -- for example, a personal business venture. But generally, it's best to handle your finances (and everything else in life) as a team. If you're both working, you can put all of your earnings into one account and then agree that you'll each receive an equal share of monthly "allowance." That's the simplest way to keep yourselves accountable to one another.

If either of you are uneasy with this arrangement, you need to determine why. If two people don't feel they can trust or ought to be accountable to one another, they would be well-advised to reevaluate their marriage plans. That's one reason why premarital counseling is so important -- it allows you to gain clarity on such issues before you tie the knot.

We have plenty of resources to help, including premarital assessment tools, at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband is a former military man -- special forces, in fact. Ever since his last deployment a few years ago, my kids and I have been subjected to verbal put-downs, emotional abuse and even threats of physical violence. I believe he's suffering from post-traumatic stress, so I try to give him a pass. But where is the line?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Unfortunately, the situation you have described is not unusual. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a well-documented issue in today's war-torn world. Many returning veterans find it difficult to share their emotional pain. They've been to the brink of hell and back. They naturally assume that only those who have actually engaged in combat can understand their internal struggles. As a result, they keep their mouths shut and stuff their feelings deep inside. All too often, when this emotional suffering does finally "vent," it may find expression in the form of domestic abuse.

Does PTSD-induced abuse call for a special response? Yes and no. On one hand, if your husband is suffering from the psychological impact of his combat experiences, there's a sense in which his condition is unique. It's vital that he receive specialized professional help as soon as possible.

At the same time, I must quickly add that your dilemma isn't significantly different from that of any other abused or threatened spouse. Regardless of the underlying causes, a person in your position really has no choice. You must adopt the attitude that safety is your top priority. If your husband becomes physically violent, don't hesitate to call 911. And if it's a question of emotional oppression and verbal put-downs, make it clear that this kind of behavior is unacceptable.

Bottom line: Seek help. Because PTSD is so prevalent, most branches of the military are now providing private, confidential, one-on-one counseling for those who are struggling with the fallout of combat service. In addition, our staff of counseling professionals stand ready and eager to be of help. For a free consultation, you can call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Working from home during the pandemic was a revelation for me about what my wife does as a stay-at-home mom caring for two little kids. Now that I'm back at the office, how can I continue to help shoulder the load?

Jim: A lot of guys got that wake-up call over the last year-and-a-half, while moms are saying, "It's about time!" Here are a few ways you can help:

First, when you come home after a long and tiring day, remember that your wife's day was equally (or more) exhausting. She needs two things at this point: 1) adult conversation, including true appreciation for what she's been doing; and 2) a pair of hands to pitch in and help with the kids, the dishes and so on.

Second, don't expect to be taken care of like another child. Pick up your own clothes and toys.

Third, don't expect much sexual response if your wife is exhausted and you haven't done much to help. As my friend Dr. Kevin Leman says, "sex begins in the kitchen" -- with meaningful conversation, compliments and acts of kindness.

Fourth, be involved in the process of preparing your children for bed. This provides relief for your wife and also gives you quality time with your little ones.

Fifth, maintain a regular date night -- a restaurant, a walk, a concert or whatever your imagination and budget can manage.

Sixth, if your hours at work are too long, make a real effort to cut back. Don't fall for the wrongheaded idea that your career is more fulfilling than your life at home.

Finally, try to escape for a romantic weekend periodically and give your wife a break from her daily responsibilities. With planning and creativity, this doesn't have to be expensive.

Q: Our family is so busy trying to balance all the demands on everyone's schedule. With the kids' endless activities and school requirements, I sometimes wonder if they should have the added burden of doing chores. What do you think?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Yes, it's important to prioritize and manage schedules so that life isn't harried and out of balance for kids or parents. But performing certain tasks around the house is good for children. It gives them a sense of belonging and identity in the family, allowing them to see and understand what it takes to keep the household operating smoothly.

Household chores also represent some of the most significant opportunities to prepare our kids for adulthood. What they learn now -- things like responsibility, humility and a good work ethic -- are values they'll carry with them into independent life on their own someday.

A good place to start is to have a family meeting and identify your household values. Your children will be more receptive to fulfilling their roles in the home when they understand the "why."

For younger children, simple tasks like picking up toys or making their bed can be an ideal way to build self-confidence. When a toddler successfully completes small jobs they're given, they feel good about themselves, and they'll want to take on even bigger challenges. That's a quality they'll need as they move through their elementary school years.

As children enter adolescence, depending on your relationship with them, you might encounter more resistance. With so many distractions competing for their time and attention, helping around the house may feel less interesting or fulfilling to them. But even mundane tasks can help teens develop the maturity and experience they'll need as adults. Chores give your kids the opportunity to learn service, humility and love for others.

You can find a helpful, detailed list of ideas at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting/age-appropriate-chores-for-kids/.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.