Focus on the Family

Q: My daughter is going through a divorce. What can I do as a grandparent to help our grandchildren cope with this devastating breakup?

Jim: I'm very sorry to learn of this difficult situation. But I'm also encouraged by your desire to help your grandchildren through this tough period. A number of factors play in to how you can best help them, including their ages and how close you live to them. But here are some general principles that you may find helpful.

According to Dr. Archibald Hart, author of "Helping Children Survive Divorce," the impact of divorce typically varies by age. Kids aged 5 to 8 often regress in their behavior. They also tend to feel responsibility for the divorce and may demonstrate an irrational fear of abandonment. That's why many experts feel this is the most critical age for children to experience divorce -- they're old enough to understand what's happening but not old enough to adequately process it.

This is where you, as a grandparent, can make a positive impact. As you're hopefully able to spend one-on-one time with them, you can help them process the anger they may be feeling, as well as help them grapple with false guilt. Even if your grandkids are older and aren't experiencing these specific problems, you can be a friend and confidante for them. Your home can provide a place of refuge and opportunity to regain a sense of normalcy.

Above all, just keep showering your daughter and grandchildren with unconditional love. You're positioned to be the steady constant in their lives as they weather these turbulent waters.

I highly recommend Dr. Hart's book mentioned above; it's available through Focus on the Family and many other sources. I'd also invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I'm doing my best as a mom, but some days I just don't think I'm making any difference. I often feel completely frazzled and out of energy. What more can I do?!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Many mothers express the same sentiments. It's important to determine what is creating the frazzled feeling. Is it the schedule, demands, chaos ... maybe your kids are struggling? Moms have these feelings for many reasons, but change starts with recognizing what you can and cannot control.

It may seem like you don't have time for the "luxury" of self-care, but it's absolutely vital for you and your family. As you care for yourself, consider these five things:

What takes life out of you? Reflect honestly about what drains you. Are there current or past issues that may be skewing your self-perception as a mom? (Important: Don't spend time comparing yourself to other moms.)

What brings life to you? Make a list of things that renew you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and relationally. Try to incorporate those into your life regularly.

How do you give life to those around you? Your kids love your laughter, smile and playfulness, on top of your guidance and correction. Like no one else, moms can make a house feel like a home.

What gets in the way of you being the best mom you can be? Moms can get very busy, tired and stressed. Take some time to consider what you should say "yes" to and what you need to say "no" to. Set boundaries for yourself as well as your children.

Take time to be grateful and enjoy your amazing role as a mom. Kids are loving and resilient (and forgiving). They don't need a perfect mom. They just need one who loves her role and is fully engaged in her home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: For years my husband has enjoyed a weekly poker night with his friends. During the pandemic he got into online betting; now I'm concerned that he's turning into a compulsive gambler. He says I'm worried about nothing. How can I be sure?

Jim: While it sounds trite to say it, your husband may be in denial. Dr. Robert Custer, a trailblazer in the field of gambling addiction treatment, identifies denial as "refusing to acknowledge something to oneself [leading] to actually believing that there is no danger at all." It's a common mindset among those who struggle with gambling addiction.

Unfortunately, denial can affect others around the addict. Loved ones may subconsciously use it to explain away, minimize or rationalize destructive behavior. This being the case, I'd recommend that you first take an honest look at yourself. If you have been enabling a troublesome pattern in some way, you're going to have to change your approach in order to help your spouse.

If, upon reflection, you're convinced that your husband's gambling is compulsive, sit down with him and confront the issue head-on. Has he placed any limits on his gambling activity, either in terms of money wagered or time invested? Does he gamble as a way to escape from problems? Has he lied to others to conceal the extent of his gambling -- or worse, committed any illegal acts to finance the habit?

Depending on the answers to those questions, insist that he consider the possibility that he has a serious problem. Suggest that he seek professional assistance. If he's unwilling to listen, enlist the help of an objective third party -- a pastor, a relative or a male friend who agrees with your assessment. Our counseling department can offer you a free consultation and a referral to qualified local therapists; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I begin to help my kids break some of the bad screen-time habits that have set in during the COVID-19 lockdowns?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: Screen time. Is there a bigger issue that parents are facing these days? My wife and I are dealing with it in our family. And most other families are too.

Screen time was a big issue before the coronavirus. And studies suggest that the amount of time we spend on screens now has perhaps doubled in the last year. That's a result of many factors: remote learning, being able to connect with friends almost exclusively through screen-based devices, and parents working from home themselves -- while not having the mental bandwidth to exercise discipline in this area 24/7.

So, what do we do? Before we deal with our kids' habits, we need to look at our own. Our children will naturally imitate what we model; thus, we may need to make screen-time adjustments ourselves before taking the next step.

With our kids, that next step should be a concrete and specific one that begins to reclaim lost ground. It might be as simple as no phones at the dinner table. Other suggestions include a tech-free night when the whole family engages in non-screen-related activities. We may also want to re-establish basic boundaries regarding where and when phones can be used, such as limiting use in bedrooms at night. The goal here is to set measurable, achievable goals as a family.

Habits take time to form and time to reshape. A reset in this area won't happen overnight, and it likely won't be without setbacks and moments of discouragement as you strive to break some unhealthy patterns and reestablish new ones. But by gradually establishing concrete, specific changes, you can successfully pull back from screen overuse as a family.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My elderly mother has not been doing well, and we're considering taking her into our home rather than placing her in a care facility. But we still have three children living with us. How do you think this might impact our family dynamics?

Jim: No doubt it will be a big impact -- and you should be prepared for blessings as well as challenges. On the plus side, you'll have the emotional and practical support of the whole family participating in meeting your mother's needs. There's the potential of experiencing a strong sense of family unity and cohesiveness as you share in the care-giving responsibilities.

There are also the potential benefits for your children as they experience firsthand the importance of sacrifice and service in the interest of others. Plus, it's an opportunity for them to develop a special relationship with their grandparent.

On the other side, your family's regular routines will undoubtedly be affected. Your children's social lives will probably be disrupted, and their personal freedom may be restricted in some ways. At times, you and your spouse will be caught between the competing needs of your kids and your mother, while your own frequently take a back seat. This is what people have in mind when they talk about the "sandwich generation."

There's obviously a lot here to pray about as you consider the equally legitimate questions of your responsibility to your mom and your family's well-being. In short, there are no simple solutions to the challenges you'll face if you take her in. It will involve a delicate balancing act and place you in a position where you will have no choice except to rely on the grace and wisdom of the Lord from one moment to the next. And that's a good place to be.

Q: My fiancé and I are really looking forward to our wedding. But my parents divorced when I was young, and we're nervous that one or both of them might cause problems on our big day. What can we do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Unfortunately, many engaged couples face this type of situation. The good news is that it presents an opportunity for you to grow together as you work through this challenge. It can even equip you in dealing with similar conflicts your own marriage may encounter in the future.

My first recommendation is to find a good marriage therapist and set up a series of counseling sessions (call us at 855-771-4357 if you need a local referral). A key to this process is to define and establish your identity as a couple. This will place you in a better position to set appropriate boundaries with your parents.

At some point, of course, you'll need to address this with your mom and dad. Be honest about your fears and frustrations. At the same time, make it clear that your wedding day can be a positive experience if everyone is willing to cooperate and keep the focus on the significance of the occasion. It's YOUR day, so take proactive control of the situation. Tell each parent precisely how you'd like them to participate in the wedding ceremony. Don't leave this open-ended, or you may open the door to further conflict.

If they're resistant, try again with the support of a trusted family member, pastor or counselor. But if they're still uncooperative, you might need to respectfully invite them not to participate in the wedding. This may dictate some drastic changes in your plans, especially if your parents are helping to foot the bill. But it's best in the long run if it helps you and your fiancé preserve your integrity as a couple.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.