Focus on the Family

Q: School is starting up again. My daughter gets straight A's in every subject except math. We're having a hard time understanding why she struggles with this subject. Could her problems with math be linked to some kind of learning disability?

Jim: It's true that some learning disabilities involve difficulty understanding mathematical terms or concepts, decoding written word problems, recognizing numerical symbols or arithmetic signs, etc. If your child is seriously lagging behind in math, I think it's worth asking school officials to arrange for a formal evaluation, so as to at least investigate this as a possibility.

If it turns out that the issue isn't a learning disability, but simply a matter of needing additional help, I'd suggest finding a tutor or enrolling your daughter in a specialized math learning program. Situations like this can put a great deal of stress on everyone at home, so outside help can provide a good buffer rather than trying to tutor your child yourself.

Meanwhile, bear in mind that math isn't everything -- and no child can be expected to excel in every academic area. But we're all gifted in some way. With this in mind, it's extremely important to affirm your child's strengths rather than focusing on her weaknesses. Find ways to shine a spotlight on the things she's good at. Encourage her to get more deeply involved in the subject fields she really enjoys. The confidence she gains as she does this can spill over into areas where she has to work a little harder.

My friend Dr. Kathy Koch has done excellent work in this arena; I highly recommend her insightful little book "8 Great Smarts: Discover and Nurture Your Child's Intelligences."

Where math is specifically concerned, help your daughter to see assignments as positive challenges rather than frustrating obstacles. Go out of your way to cooperate closely with her math teacher. Praise your child for her effort rather than simply her achievement, and don't criticize or express disappointment when she fails. Remind her that her self-worth is not based on grades or accomplishments. Above all, affirm your unconditional love for her.

Q: My girlfriend and I are getting fairly serious and thinking about marriage. But my parents divorced when I was a teenager. I'm still trying to process my own hurt feelings regarding their divorce -- and my fear of marriage in general. What can I do to move forward in my own relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I applaud you for recognizing the baggage you're carrying from your parents' divorce -- and for being proactive about dealing with it. Let's break this down into three key pieces.

First, deal with YOU. Whether you're in a relationship or not, you need to realistically address your own "junk" and work on becoming a healthy person. That may well involve specialized assistance to process your past hurts; you can start with our staff counseling professionals by calling 855-771-HELP (4357). I'd also highly recommend the resources available through our faith-based online community for young single adults, Boundless.org.

Second, deal with HER. Be honest with your girlfriend -- talk about the hesitation, fear and emotional walls you're working on overcoming, emphasizing that it's about your parents' divorce, not your present relationship. Tell her what she can do to support you. The more you include her and work together, the stronger your connection can become.

Finally, deal with the RELATIONSHIP. When the time is right, get good premarital counseling. Eighty percent of couples who get at least 6-8 hours of quality premarital counseling stay together. That's the best way to help "divorce-proof" your own marriage before it starts.

We have some excellent resources available for engaged couples; see FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage/Ready-To-Wed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My daughter is going through a divorce. What can I do as a grandparent to help our grandchildren cope with this devastating breakup?

Jim: I'm very sorry to learn of this difficult situation. But I'm also encouraged by your desire to help your grandchildren through this tough period. A number of factors play in to how you can best help them, including their ages and how close you live to them. But here are some general principles that you may find helpful.

According to Dr. Archibald Hart, author of "Helping Children Survive Divorce," the impact of divorce typically varies by age. Kids aged 5 to 8 often regress in their behavior. They also tend to feel responsibility for the divorce and may demonstrate an irrational fear of abandonment. That's why many experts feel this is the most critical age for children to experience divorce -- they're old enough to understand what's happening but not old enough to adequately process it.

This is where you, as a grandparent, can make a positive impact. As you're hopefully able to spend one-on-one time with them, you can help them process the anger they may be feeling, as well as help them grapple with false guilt. Even if your grandkids are older and aren't experiencing these specific problems, you can be a friend and confidante for them. Your home can provide a place of refuge and opportunity to regain a sense of normalcy.

Above all, just keep showering your daughter and grandchildren with unconditional love. You're positioned to be the steady constant in their lives as they weather these turbulent waters.

I highly recommend Dr. Hart's book mentioned above; it's available through Focus on the Family and many other sources. I'd also invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I'm doing my best as a mom, but some days I just don't think I'm making any difference. I often feel completely frazzled and out of energy. What more can I do?!?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Many mothers express the same sentiments. It's important to determine what is creating the frazzled feeling. Is it the schedule, demands, chaos ... maybe your kids are struggling? Moms have these feelings for many reasons, but change starts with recognizing what you can and cannot control.

It may seem like you don't have time for the "luxury" of self-care, but it's absolutely vital for you and your family. As you care for yourself, consider these five things:

What takes life out of you? Reflect honestly about what drains you. Are there current or past issues that may be skewing your self-perception as a mom? (Important: Don't spend time comparing yourself to other moms.)

What brings life to you? Make a list of things that renew you emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and relationally. Try to incorporate those into your life regularly.

How do you give life to those around you? Your kids love your laughter, smile and playfulness, on top of your guidance and correction. Like no one else, moms can make a house feel like a home.

What gets in the way of you being the best mom you can be? Moms can get very busy, tired and stressed. Take some time to consider what you should say "yes" to and what you need to say "no" to. Set boundaries for yourself as well as your children.

Take time to be grateful and enjoy your amazing role as a mom. Kids are loving and resilient (and forgiving). They don't need a perfect mom. They just need one who loves her role and is fully engaged in her home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: For years my husband has enjoyed a weekly poker night with his friends. During the pandemic he got into online betting; now I'm concerned that he's turning into a compulsive gambler. He says I'm worried about nothing. How can I be sure?

Jim: While it sounds trite to say it, your husband may be in denial. Dr. Robert Custer, a trailblazer in the field of gambling addiction treatment, identifies denial as "refusing to acknowledge something to oneself [leading] to actually believing that there is no danger at all." It's a common mindset among those who struggle with gambling addiction.

Unfortunately, denial can affect others around the addict. Loved ones may subconsciously use it to explain away, minimize or rationalize destructive behavior. This being the case, I'd recommend that you first take an honest look at yourself. If you have been enabling a troublesome pattern in some way, you're going to have to change your approach in order to help your spouse.

If, upon reflection, you're convinced that your husband's gambling is compulsive, sit down with him and confront the issue head-on. Has he placed any limits on his gambling activity, either in terms of money wagered or time invested? Does he gamble as a way to escape from problems? Has he lied to others to conceal the extent of his gambling -- or worse, committed any illegal acts to finance the habit?

Depending on the answers to those questions, insist that he consider the possibility that he has a serious problem. Suggest that he seek professional assistance. If he's unwilling to listen, enlist the help of an objective third party -- a pastor, a relative or a male friend who agrees with your assessment. Our counseling department can offer you a free consultation and a referral to qualified local therapists; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: How can I begin to help my kids break some of the bad screen-time habits that have set in during the COVID-19 lockdowns?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: Screen time. Is there a bigger issue that parents are facing these days? My wife and I are dealing with it in our family. And most other families are too.

Screen time was a big issue before the coronavirus. And studies suggest that the amount of time we spend on screens now has perhaps doubled in the last year. That's a result of many factors: remote learning, being able to connect with friends almost exclusively through screen-based devices, and parents working from home themselves -- while not having the mental bandwidth to exercise discipline in this area 24/7.

So, what do we do? Before we deal with our kids' habits, we need to look at our own. Our children will naturally imitate what we model; thus, we may need to make screen-time adjustments ourselves before taking the next step.

With our kids, that next step should be a concrete and specific one that begins to reclaim lost ground. It might be as simple as no phones at the dinner table. Other suggestions include a tech-free night when the whole family engages in non-screen-related activities. We may also want to re-establish basic boundaries regarding where and when phones can be used, such as limiting use in bedrooms at night. The goal here is to set measurable, achievable goals as a family.

Habits take time to form and time to reshape. A reset in this area won't happen overnight, and it likely won't be without setbacks and moments of discouragement as you strive to break some unhealthy patterns and reestablish new ones. But by gradually establishing concrete, specific changes, you can successfully pull back from screen overuse as a family.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.