Focus on the Family

Q: Now that my kids are finally back to "real" school, they want to participate in EVERYTHING. We're already drowning in extracurricular activities. How much is too much? Can you suggest any practical guidelines?

Jim: No doubt about it, stress from excessive organized activity can have a negative impact on family life -- and even be counterproductive toward a happy and healthy childhood. Kids need plenty of time, space and leisure to develop their creativity and imagination. While every household is different, I'd suggest that in general, elementary- and middle school-age kids shouldn't take on more than one extracurricular activity per school term.

In evaluating each commitment, start by asking some basic questions about the time involved. How many afternoons/evenings per week is your child participating? How many weekends each month are filled? How many overlapping schedules are you juggling? If the numbers are too high, you might consider making some cuts.

Meanwhile, I'd challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions about the motives behind the busyness. Is it really about your children's best interests? Or is the push to achieve driven by your own issues? We're all vulnerable to negative motives like parental pride, insecurity or desires to compensate for our own unrealized achievements. Unchecked, these underlying factors can seriously damage your child's self-image and the dynamics of your family interactions.

On the positive side, I'd encourage you to strive for balance. A certain amount of "stretching" can be good, but always consider each individual family member's unique needs and capabilities. Watch for telltale signs that your kids are being pushed beyond their limits -- depression, irritability, emotional withdrawal and physical symptoms like stomach pain. If you see any of these red flags, make the needed adjustments right away.

Finally, specifically regarding athletics, I'd highly recommend the book "Overplayed: A Parent's Guide to Sanity in the World of Youth Sports" by David King and Margot Starbuck.

Q: I love my wife and want to honor her. But sometimes she's incredibly rude and unkind to me, our kids, and even family and friends. How can I honor her when she's behaving badly?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Admittedly, it's a lot easier to honor one's spouse when we're happy and the relationship is peachy. But we've all been guilty of unkind and selfish behavior. The key is how we respond to our spouse when we're on the receiving end. Here's an approach I've found helpful.

Separate the person from the behavior. As someone created in God's image, your wife has value and is worthy of honor regardless of her behavior.

Recognize that your wife's behavior impacts your perception of her. It's all too easy to "switch lenses" when you're frequently hurt or frustrated by her. Consequently, you may be tempted to see everything through a lens that accentuates the negative and eliminates the positive. Psychologists call this "confirmation bias." The remedy is to flip the lens and begin actively looking for the positives.

Consider how you might be distorting the problem. Is it possible that you have a hot button, a pet peeve, an old wound or an issue in your past that makes a particular behavior loom large in your mind?

Finally, confront the negative behavior -- not the person -- using healthy conflict-resolution tools. It's critical to do this in a spirit of honesty and humility versus anger and pride. Ultimately, this is how you honor her.

For help on navigating conflict in a respectful, appropriate and effective way, I'd humbly suggest my book "Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage." You can also call our counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Last week our son headed off for his first year at college. He wants to pledge to a fraternity and has asked for our input. I've only seen negative things about fraternities (movies, etc.). What do you think we should tell our son?

Jim: There are several factors to consider. Admittedly, some fraternities resemble "Animal House," but that's not always the case. Some groups are primarily social in nature; others are for students who share similar interests or are studying the same academic disciplines. There are ethnically and linguistically based fraternities, service-oriented groups and even some whose purposes are primarily spiritual. So, your son should first identify what type of fraternity he's hoping to join.

Unfortunately, many fraternities do have reputations for wild behavior and crazy parties. And by nature, fraternity groups can wield significant peer-group power -- positive or negative. This can have a huge impact on an impressionable freshman living away from home for the first time. Furthermore, some universities are known for being "party schools," so it's worth evaluating the overall atmosphere on campus. I'd suggest having a candid discussion with your son to determine what he knows at this point about the fraternity climate at the college and the specific group(s) he is considering.

Meanwhile, consider your son's character. Is he firmly grounded in his beliefs? Does he know his own mind, or is he easily influenced by others? I'd take it as a good sign that he has asked for your input. If you feel that he lacks the maturity to handle a fraternity at this point, encourage him to look for connection elsewhere. Point him toward other academic, social and faith-based groups on campus or through nearby churches.

Finally, I'd like to mention Focus on the Family's online outreach to college students and single adults -- find out more at Boundless.org.

Q: How can my husband engage with our kids? He wants to have a better relationship with them, but it's something he struggles with sometimes.

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Your husband is already on the right track by expressing the desire to engage with your children. Kids tend to respond to genuine attempts to connect.

A great first step can be as simple as an authentic smile. People of all ages -- and especially children -- respond to genuinely curious, loving and playful smiles. From there, he can try to learn or do something with the kids that they are interested in, such as music, sports, cooking or reading. The key to connecting with each child is to become a student of who they are and what makes them tick.

It's important to invest time in just listening and being present with each child. We all gain trust and connection when we feel listened to. This won't happen overnight, particularly if Dad's schedule hasn't allowed him to be around much or he hasn't exhibited much interest in the past. But with patience and intentionality, he can show each of the kids that he values them as individuals and wants to build an interactive relationship with them.

Dad can (and should) be playful and adventurous. He can plan a fun adventure with all the kids or take an afternoon off to just play. He could also rotate time with the kids cooking or baking for the family or having one-on-one ice cream outings for focused conversation.

In all of this, the goal is to build relational momentum. In other words, the more Dad consistently does the small things to invest in the relationship, the more trust, opportunities for conversation, and deeper closeness he will experience with his kids. We have lots of other tips and resources for fathers at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: School is starting up again. My daughter gets straight A's in every subject except math. We're having a hard time understanding why she struggles with this subject. Could her problems with math be linked to some kind of learning disability?

Jim: It's true that some learning disabilities involve difficulty understanding mathematical terms or concepts, decoding written word problems, recognizing numerical symbols or arithmetic signs, etc. If your child is seriously lagging behind in math, I think it's worth asking school officials to arrange for a formal evaluation, so as to at least investigate this as a possibility.

If it turns out that the issue isn't a learning disability, but simply a matter of needing additional help, I'd suggest finding a tutor or enrolling your daughter in a specialized math learning program. Situations like this can put a great deal of stress on everyone at home, so outside help can provide a good buffer rather than trying to tutor your child yourself.

Meanwhile, bear in mind that math isn't everything -- and no child can be expected to excel in every academic area. But we're all gifted in some way. With this in mind, it's extremely important to affirm your child's strengths rather than focusing on her weaknesses. Find ways to shine a spotlight on the things she's good at. Encourage her to get more deeply involved in the subject fields she really enjoys. The confidence she gains as she does this can spill over into areas where she has to work a little harder.

My friend Dr. Kathy Koch has done excellent work in this arena; I highly recommend her insightful little book "8 Great Smarts: Discover and Nurture Your Child's Intelligences."

Where math is specifically concerned, help your daughter to see assignments as positive challenges rather than frustrating obstacles. Go out of your way to cooperate closely with her math teacher. Praise your child for her effort rather than simply her achievement, and don't criticize or express disappointment when she fails. Remind her that her self-worth is not based on grades or accomplishments. Above all, affirm your unconditional love for her.

Q: My girlfriend and I are getting fairly serious and thinking about marriage. But my parents divorced when I was a teenager. I'm still trying to process my own hurt feelings regarding their divorce -- and my fear of marriage in general. What can I do to move forward in my own relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I applaud you for recognizing the baggage you're carrying from your parents' divorce -- and for being proactive about dealing with it. Let's break this down into three key pieces.

First, deal with YOU. Whether you're in a relationship or not, you need to realistically address your own "junk" and work on becoming a healthy person. That may well involve specialized assistance to process your past hurts; you can start with our staff counseling professionals by calling 855-771-HELP (4357). I'd also highly recommend the resources available through our faith-based online community for young single adults, Boundless.org.

Second, deal with HER. Be honest with your girlfriend -- talk about the hesitation, fear and emotional walls you're working on overcoming, emphasizing that it's about your parents' divorce, not your present relationship. Tell her what she can do to support you. The more you include her and work together, the stronger your connection can become.

Finally, deal with the RELATIONSHIP. When the time is right, get good premarital counseling. Eighty percent of couples who get at least 6-8 hours of quality premarital counseling stay together. That's the best way to help "divorce-proof" your own marriage before it starts.

We have some excellent resources available for engaged couples; see FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage/Ready-To-Wed.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.