Focus on the Family

Q: My husband and I are very interested in adopting a child. We're wrestling with whether to make it an "open" or a "closed" arrangement. Do you have any insights or recommendations?

Jim: Both closed and open adoption arrangements have advantages -- and disadvantages.

On one hand, open records may prove very helpful to the adopted child once he or she reaches adolescence and young adulthood. At that stage of his or her life, he or she is likely to be grappling with questions about his or her own identity, origins and direction in life. There are also practical matters to consider, such as the child having at least some access to the birth parents' medical history.

On the other hand, while open adoption may be advantageous in certain circumstances, some families have legitimate reasons of their own to be concerned about it. For example, while an open arrangement may be beneficial during the latter part of a child's growth and development, it can also be extremely harmful earlier on -- if, say, the birth mother has unhealthy or unrealistic expectations. There's strong potential for emotional damage to a young child who is establishing one parental relationship, while simultaneously being influenced and affected by the presence of another "mother" on the scene. Much conflict and confusion can be avoided if the book is left closed until later in the child's life.

Even if an open relationship has been agreed to, it's critical that birth parents understand and respect that the adoptive parents reserve ALL parental rights to do what they believe to be in the child's best interests.

For further insight into the pros and cons of this debate, I'd encourage you to get a copy of "Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family" by David Sanford. I'd also invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; you can call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: We have stricter rules than most parents on our street about where our grade-school children are allowed to go. One result is that nearly every kid on the block hangs out at our house! I'm glad they feel comfortable at our home, but sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. What can we do?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: It's wise to be cautious and intentional. Through two decades of counseling families, I've heard many stories of neighborhood interactions -- some very good and, unfortunately, some very bad. Positive experiences are built on familiarity. As you get to know other families on your street, you can teach your children ways to be assertive and aware without needing to be fearful.

Keep in mind that it's good to model boundaries by saying "no" when it makes sense. While it's great that your house is currently "the home" in the neighborhood, you need to determine what you can and cannot do. For example, if you don't have the budget to feed the whole neighborhood, talk to the other kids about bringing their own snacks. On the other hand, if you can afford at least some "friend food," consider factoring a reasonable amount into your household budget as a relational investment.

Make sure to clearly communicate with other kids (and parents) about the behavioral rules in your home. It's also OK to establish time limits and "take a break" days. I especially suggest having ALL the visiting kids help with cleaning up before they leave. This helps teach respect and responsibility to everyone -- your kids and their friends.

Realistically, this will be a relatively short season where you have a window of opportunity to pursue relationships with your neighbors. Stick to the boundaries that make sense for your home, so you'll have the energy and margins for this kind of visiting traffic.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Now that my kids are finally back to "real" school, they want to participate in EVERYTHING. We're already drowning in extracurricular activities. How much is too much? Can you suggest any practical guidelines?

Jim: No doubt about it, stress from excessive organized activity can have a negative impact on family life -- and even be counterproductive toward a happy and healthy childhood. Kids need plenty of time, space and leisure to develop their creativity and imagination. While every household is different, I'd suggest that in general, elementary- and middle school-age kids shouldn't take on more than one extracurricular activity per school term.

In evaluating each commitment, start by asking some basic questions about the time involved. How many afternoons/evenings per week is your child participating? How many weekends each month are filled? How many overlapping schedules are you juggling? If the numbers are too high, you might consider making some cuts.

Meanwhile, I'd challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions about the motives behind the busyness. Is it really about your children's best interests? Or is the push to achieve driven by your own issues? We're all vulnerable to negative motives like parental pride, insecurity or desires to compensate for our own unrealized achievements. Unchecked, these underlying factors can seriously damage your child's self-image and the dynamics of your family interactions.

On the positive side, I'd encourage you to strive for balance. A certain amount of "stretching" can be good, but always consider each individual family member's unique needs and capabilities. Watch for telltale signs that your kids are being pushed beyond their limits -- depression, irritability, emotional withdrawal and physical symptoms like stomach pain. If you see any of these red flags, make the needed adjustments right away.

Finally, specifically regarding athletics, I'd highly recommend the book "Overplayed: A Parent's Guide to Sanity in the World of Youth Sports" by David King and Margot Starbuck.

Q: I love my wife and want to honor her. But sometimes she's incredibly rude and unkind to me, our kids, and even family and friends. How can I honor her when she's behaving badly?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Admittedly, it's a lot easier to honor one's spouse when we're happy and the relationship is peachy. But we've all been guilty of unkind and selfish behavior. The key is how we respond to our spouse when we're on the receiving end. Here's an approach I've found helpful.

Separate the person from the behavior. As someone created in God's image, your wife has value and is worthy of honor regardless of her behavior.

Recognize that your wife's behavior impacts your perception of her. It's all too easy to "switch lenses" when you're frequently hurt or frustrated by her. Consequently, you may be tempted to see everything through a lens that accentuates the negative and eliminates the positive. Psychologists call this "confirmation bias." The remedy is to flip the lens and begin actively looking for the positives.

Consider how you might be distorting the problem. Is it possible that you have a hot button, a pet peeve, an old wound or an issue in your past that makes a particular behavior loom large in your mind?

Finally, confront the negative behavior -- not the person -- using healthy conflict-resolution tools. It's critical to do this in a spirit of honesty and humility versus anger and pride. Ultimately, this is how you honor her.

For help on navigating conflict in a respectful, appropriate and effective way, I'd humbly suggest my book "Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage." You can also call our counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Last week our son headed off for his first year at college. He wants to pledge to a fraternity and has asked for our input. I've only seen negative things about fraternities (movies, etc.). What do you think we should tell our son?

Jim: There are several factors to consider. Admittedly, some fraternities resemble "Animal House," but that's not always the case. Some groups are primarily social in nature; others are for students who share similar interests or are studying the same academic disciplines. There are ethnically and linguistically based fraternities, service-oriented groups and even some whose purposes are primarily spiritual. So, your son should first identify what type of fraternity he's hoping to join.

Unfortunately, many fraternities do have reputations for wild behavior and crazy parties. And by nature, fraternity groups can wield significant peer-group power -- positive or negative. This can have a huge impact on an impressionable freshman living away from home for the first time. Furthermore, some universities are known for being "party schools," so it's worth evaluating the overall atmosphere on campus. I'd suggest having a candid discussion with your son to determine what he knows at this point about the fraternity climate at the college and the specific group(s) he is considering.

Meanwhile, consider your son's character. Is he firmly grounded in his beliefs? Does he know his own mind, or is he easily influenced by others? I'd take it as a good sign that he has asked for your input. If you feel that he lacks the maturity to handle a fraternity at this point, encourage him to look for connection elsewhere. Point him toward other academic, social and faith-based groups on campus or through nearby churches.

Finally, I'd like to mention Focus on the Family's online outreach to college students and single adults -- find out more at Boundless.org.

Q: How can my husband engage with our kids? He wants to have a better relationship with them, but it's something he struggles with sometimes.

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Your husband is already on the right track by expressing the desire to engage with your children. Kids tend to respond to genuine attempts to connect.

A great first step can be as simple as an authentic smile. People of all ages -- and especially children -- respond to genuinely curious, loving and playful smiles. From there, he can try to learn or do something with the kids that they are interested in, such as music, sports, cooking or reading. The key to connecting with each child is to become a student of who they are and what makes them tick.

It's important to invest time in just listening and being present with each child. We all gain trust and connection when we feel listened to. This won't happen overnight, particularly if Dad's schedule hasn't allowed him to be around much or he hasn't exhibited much interest in the past. But with patience and intentionality, he can show each of the kids that he values them as individuals and wants to build an interactive relationship with them.

Dad can (and should) be playful and adventurous. He can plan a fun adventure with all the kids or take an afternoon off to just play. He could also rotate time with the kids cooking or baking for the family or having one-on-one ice cream outings for focused conversation.

In all of this, the goal is to build relational momentum. In other words, the more Dad consistently does the small things to invest in the relationship, the more trust, opportunities for conversation, and deeper closeness he will experience with his kids. We have lots of other tips and resources for fathers at FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.