Focus on the Family

Q: I'm the proud father of a beautiful 16-year-old daughter. However, I'm not the only one who's noticed how she has blossomed. She's getting more and more attention from boys her age, and I expect The Dating Question is right around the corner. How should I approach the issue of interacting with and vetting any potential boyfriends?

Jim: I "only" raised two sons, so I feel for guys who have daughters -- and the concerns that go along with that. While you don't necessarily want to fit the classic stereotype of the intimidating dad who threatens your daughter's dates, you also shouldn't disappear into the shadows when young men start showing up at your doorstep.

One of your chief responsibilities as a father is to protect your daughter. That's especially important when she's beginning to date. I'd suggest following the approach recommended by author Dennis Rainey: interview the boys who want to date your daughter, just like you would interview a prospective employee.

Before any dates are scheduled, meet with the boys who are interested in your daughter and ask them some serious questions to determine if they're mature and responsible young men of good character. You don't have to be combative or heavy-handed -- but be clear about how you expect them to treat and behave toward your daughter. This isn't about intimidating the boy as much as it is promoting a sense of strong respect for your precious girl.

An added benefit to this exercise is that your daughter will learn how to evaluate potential suitors on her own. And that's really the main point. Whether it's a high school boy or her future husband, the goal is for your daughter to understand -- and expect -- that she be treated with the respect and dignity she truly deserves.

Q: My husband has plenty to say around his friends, but I feel like I can't get more than seven words out of him. How can I get him to talk with me?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: The mystery of male-female communication is an age-old challenge. While not every guy fits the stereotype, some general tips can help you unlock your hubby's communication code and encourage him to open up:

Evaluate your expectations: Women usually communicate to connect relationally, while guys lean toward giving advice and troubleshooting. Understanding these different styles can defuse conflict and enhance communication.

Learn his communication pattern: How does he engage others and what things are discussed? When is he most attentive and receptive to conversation?

Work up to conversation: Women can usually share their feelings more quickly than men. If you're wanting a deep interaction, ask some "warmup" questions first.

Timing: Most guys don't want to discuss our day right after work -- when we're tired and hungry -- or if we're watching a game. We're sometimes more receptive to conversation when tied to an activity like walking or driving.

Don't multitask: Keep it simple -- one thing and topic at a time.

Offer the "condensed story." Men process information differently than ladies. Trimming away details or words keeps us engaged.

Soften your approach: Guys are highly sensitive to criticism, disrespect or failure -- so a harsh start-up shuts us down emotionally. A gentle voice, relaxed body language, and kind words and facial expressions will help keep us in the game.

Accept "fine" as a reasonable answer: I know, most women have a universal distaste for this word. But men communicate factually with less emotion and description. So, for us, "fine" means -- perfectly fine.

Be direct in asking for what you want: Women can usually pick up subtle messages, but hints don't work well for us.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I are very interested in adopting a child. We're wrestling with whether to make it an "open" or a "closed" arrangement. Do you have any insights or recommendations?

Jim: Both closed and open adoption arrangements have advantages -- and disadvantages.

On one hand, open records may prove very helpful to the adopted child once he or she reaches adolescence and young adulthood. At that stage of his or her life, he or she is likely to be grappling with questions about his or her own identity, origins and direction in life. There are also practical matters to consider, such as the child having at least some access to the birth parents' medical history.

On the other hand, while open adoption may be advantageous in certain circumstances, some families have legitimate reasons of their own to be concerned about it. For example, while an open arrangement may be beneficial during the latter part of a child's growth and development, it can also be extremely harmful earlier on -- if, say, the birth mother has unhealthy or unrealistic expectations. There's strong potential for emotional damage to a young child who is establishing one parental relationship, while simultaneously being influenced and affected by the presence of another "mother" on the scene. Much conflict and confusion can be avoided if the book is left closed until later in the child's life.

Even if an open relationship has been agreed to, it's critical that birth parents understand and respect that the adoptive parents reserve ALL parental rights to do what they believe to be in the child's best interests.

For further insight into the pros and cons of this debate, I'd encourage you to get a copy of "Handbook on Thriving as an Adoptive Family" by David Sanford. I'd also invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; you can call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: We have stricter rules than most parents on our street about where our grade-school children are allowed to go. One result is that nearly every kid on the block hangs out at our house! I'm glad they feel comfortable at our home, but sometimes it's a bit overwhelming. What can we do?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: It's wise to be cautious and intentional. Through two decades of counseling families, I've heard many stories of neighborhood interactions -- some very good and, unfortunately, some very bad. Positive experiences are built on familiarity. As you get to know other families on your street, you can teach your children ways to be assertive and aware without needing to be fearful.

Keep in mind that it's good to model boundaries by saying "no" when it makes sense. While it's great that your house is currently "the home" in the neighborhood, you need to determine what you can and cannot do. For example, if you don't have the budget to feed the whole neighborhood, talk to the other kids about bringing their own snacks. On the other hand, if you can afford at least some "friend food," consider factoring a reasonable amount into your household budget as a relational investment.

Make sure to clearly communicate with other kids (and parents) about the behavioral rules in your home. It's also OK to establish time limits and "take a break" days. I especially suggest having ALL the visiting kids help with cleaning up before they leave. This helps teach respect and responsibility to everyone -- your kids and their friends.

Realistically, this will be a relatively short season where you have a window of opportunity to pursue relationships with your neighbors. Stick to the boundaries that make sense for your home, so you'll have the energy and margins for this kind of visiting traffic.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Now that my kids are finally back to "real" school, they want to participate in EVERYTHING. We're already drowning in extracurricular activities. How much is too much? Can you suggest any practical guidelines?

Jim: No doubt about it, stress from excessive organized activity can have a negative impact on family life -- and even be counterproductive toward a happy and healthy childhood. Kids need plenty of time, space and leisure to develop their creativity and imagination. While every household is different, I'd suggest that in general, elementary- and middle school-age kids shouldn't take on more than one extracurricular activity per school term.

In evaluating each commitment, start by asking some basic questions about the time involved. How many afternoons/evenings per week is your child participating? How many weekends each month are filled? How many overlapping schedules are you juggling? If the numbers are too high, you might consider making some cuts.

Meanwhile, I'd challenge you to ask yourself some hard questions about the motives behind the busyness. Is it really about your children's best interests? Or is the push to achieve driven by your own issues? We're all vulnerable to negative motives like parental pride, insecurity or desires to compensate for our own unrealized achievements. Unchecked, these underlying factors can seriously damage your child's self-image and the dynamics of your family interactions.

On the positive side, I'd encourage you to strive for balance. A certain amount of "stretching" can be good, but always consider each individual family member's unique needs and capabilities. Watch for telltale signs that your kids are being pushed beyond their limits -- depression, irritability, emotional withdrawal and physical symptoms like stomach pain. If you see any of these red flags, make the needed adjustments right away.

Finally, specifically regarding athletics, I'd highly recommend the book "Overplayed: A Parent's Guide to Sanity in the World of Youth Sports" by David King and Margot Starbuck.

Q: I love my wife and want to honor her. But sometimes she's incredibly rude and unkind to me, our kids, and even family and friends. How can I honor her when she's behaving badly?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Admittedly, it's a lot easier to honor one's spouse when we're happy and the relationship is peachy. But we've all been guilty of unkind and selfish behavior. The key is how we respond to our spouse when we're on the receiving end. Here's an approach I've found helpful.

Separate the person from the behavior. As someone created in God's image, your wife has value and is worthy of honor regardless of her behavior.

Recognize that your wife's behavior impacts your perception of her. It's all too easy to "switch lenses" when you're frequently hurt or frustrated by her. Consequently, you may be tempted to see everything through a lens that accentuates the negative and eliminates the positive. Psychologists call this "confirmation bias." The remedy is to flip the lens and begin actively looking for the positives.

Consider how you might be distorting the problem. Is it possible that you have a hot button, a pet peeve, an old wound or an issue in your past that makes a particular behavior loom large in your mind?

Finally, confront the negative behavior -- not the person -- using healthy conflict-resolution tools. It's critical to do this in a spirit of honesty and humility versus anger and pride. Ultimately, this is how you honor her.

For help on navigating conflict in a respectful, appropriate and effective way, I'd humbly suggest my book "Fight Your Way to a Better Marriage." You can also call our counselors at 1-855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.