Q: As a first-time grandma, I'm excited to play an active and positive role in my grandchild's life. But I also want to be careful to respect appropriate boundaries with my son and daughter-in-law. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Congratulations! Grandparents can have a significant impact on the lives of your children and your grandchildren, and you've gained valuable perspective after raising your own kids. As first-time parents, your son and his wife may soon feel overwhelmed by the nonstop responsibility -- so you can help them see this little one through the eyes of a love-struck grandmother.

The best gift you have to offer is the gift of your time. You'll well remember that new parents need a break occasionally. Instead of a vague "let me know if I can help," you might suggest a specific time -- for example, "How about if I come over Tuesday evening at five so you two can get out for a couple of hours?" You can also extend an open invitation to call you whenever they feel they're reaching the end of their rope.

Incidentally, here's an important piece of advice about giving advice. You may not totally agree with the way your grown children are raising your grandchildren. But be very careful about the way you broach that subject, especially with your daughter-in-law.

Why do I say that? Remember: As parents, they have the final say and responsibility for the way their children are raised. Your duty in almost every situation is to abide by their decisions. The one exception is if an irresponsible parent's behavior or neglect is exposing a child to harm. Otherwise, offer advice only if asked, and work at building a relationship through which you can share the benefits of your parenting experience.

Q: My husband was a smoker for most of his life. He quit a few years ago, but I just discovered that he's smoking again -- and has been hiding it for months. I'm very upset over this but want to support my husband. What should I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I would guess that you're feeling a range of different emotions -- so before doing anything else, I encourage you to sort those out. You're probably frustrated that he's back at square one with his struggle. You'd naturally be upset that he's hidden this from you for so long. You have a right to expect honesty in your relationship, but instead there's been a lack of transparency. The foundation of trust may not have collapsed, but it has suffered some erosion. Repairing that should be your focus.

I suggest you sit down with your husband for an honest conversation. Begin by expressing your disappointment FOR -- not in -- him. Assure him of your love, respect and confidence that he'll win this battle. Emphasizing this may help alleviate some of the shame that may have contributed to his concealment of the relapse.

With those things said, ask him to tell you his story. Has stress at work or home triggered the urge to smoke? Why did he feel he couldn't share his struggles and be honest with you?

Once you understand those things, move into why his actions hurt you. Don't make smoking the issue; he's likely more upset about that than you are. Instead, highlight that this is a matter of trust -- and for that to exist, you need to feel he can confide in you. Ask him if there are obstacles to that, and what might be done to remove those.

If the obstacles seem too big or you need guidance working through this challenge together, please give our counselors a call at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm a recent newlywed. Even in just a few short weeks, my husband and I are feeling overwhelmed. Life together isn't playing out the way we anticipated. Is this normal? We both really want to make this relationship work.

Jim: Yes, that's completely normal. No matter how strong your relationship with your new spouse, the lofty expectations you had before the wedding rarely match the reality after you say "I do."

For instance, my wife, Jean, and I had a really rough time early in our marriage. Jean was dealing with depression, and I had come from a broken home with no positive male role models. If not for counseling, prayer and help from caring friends, we might have become another divorce statistic.

That's why I think it's very important for young couples to have "marriage mentors" in their lives. Simply put, these are older couples with years of experience weathering life's storms. Mentors can offer wise counsel to young couples who might be feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

Some newlyweds come from stable families and might see their own parents as potential marriage mentors. However, moms and dads don't always have the objectivity to offer unbiased advice. According to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, a marriage mentor is NOT a mother or a father, nor a close peer. Marriage mentors are not "on call" for every crisis, and they don't know everything. They don't have perfect marriages themselves (nobody does). Instead, they're friendly acquaintances who can model a healthy committed relationship and offer insights when needed.

So, I hope you newlyweds will take the time to seek out marriage mentors. And for the "old pros" who might be reading this -- look for a younger couple with whom you can share openly about the challenges and joys of a lifelong commitment. You'll gain as much as they do.

Q: My husband and I have a one-year-old son. We're talking about having another baby, but we aren't sure what's best for the dynamics of our family. Are kids happier when they're closer in age, or is it better to plan them farther apart?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I'm glad that you're even considering the potential impact on your family dynamics. Being intentional and thoughtful parents makes just as much -- or more -- difference than the age differences of your children. There really isn't a simple "one size fits all" answer, but there are some things to consider.

Children born within two years of each other are more likely to develop close bonds than those spaced farther apart. However, the closer siblings are in age, the more opportunity for intense conflict and competition -- it's only natural!

Kids four or more years apart are less likely to connect due to social, emotional and life stage differences. This sometimes produces a more peaceful household, but there may be different challenges. For example, if the older (and bigger) child tends to be aggressive, parental focus will be on the safety of the younger child. But if the older child is mature and cooperative, it can be tempting to place too many adult responsibilities on his shoulders. A child in this position needs to still be encouraged to play and be a kid.

As you ponder timing for your next baby, consider your health, the genuine desire for another child, the stability of your marriage, finances, your schedule demands and your support system. The goal for your children should be their healthy development -- keeping in mind that growth involves learning to overcome challenges. All told, there is a higher likelihood of siblings' relationship being molded by shared experiences and understanding the closer they are in age.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My mother has always been a sweet, caring and soft-spoken woman -- but she's developing Alzheimer's disease and becoming increasingly disagreeable and demanding. I know I'm supposed to honor my parent, and I really try. But what does "honor" mean in this situation?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. Caring for an aging loved one involves self-discipline and sacrifice, especially in scenarios like the one you have described.

Let's start by defining "honor." Honor implies choosing to give great respect and care to someone -- not grudgingly, but built on a foundation of love and genuine concern for their needs and best interests. True honor is placing the highest value on our loved ones, regardless of whether or not they "deserve" it.

Once this decision is made, the key issue is knowing how to carry it out. The biblical commandment to "Honor your father and mother" doesn't mention specifics. There's nothing about pensions, nursing homes or Medicare. Nor does it necessarily obligate you to take aging parents into your home.

Instead, the art of honoring a challenging elder is based on intuitive knowledge. That knowledge, in turn, is rooted in your love for and commitment to your mother. Out of that commitment -- and your day-to-day interactions with her -- you'll develop an awareness of practical ways you can serve her and care for her immediate needs. This might mean sharing your home and offering financial support. It could also involve seeking support services, filling out endless health insurance forms, providing transportation and communicating with doctors.

Keep in mind that it's never too late -- or too soon -- to love and honor your elders. As you seek to honor your mother, your love for her will grow and your relationship with her will be enriched, even as her health may decline.

Q: I've heard that social media can lead to depression and mental health problems in kids. Is that really the case?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: There's a growing consensus among health care experts and social scientists that social media can indeed lead to adverse mental health outcomes -- including depression, anxiety, thoughts of self-harm and even suicide.

Some might think that sounds alarmist. But the evidence is piling up. Smartphones and social media use became the norm for teens around 2012. Since then, San Diego State University professor of psychology Dr. Jean Twenge has been at the forefront of academic concern regarding the sharp uptick of these mental health problems. In her widely hailed 2017 article for The Atlantic titled "Have Smartphones Destroyed a Generation?," Dr. Twenge said bluntly: "Teens who spend more time than average on screen activities are more likely to be unhappy, and those who spend more time than average on nonscreen activities are more likely to be happy."

Researchers like Twenge believe screens and social media influence teens' mental health adversely in several ways. Social media, in particular, is often about comparison. Teens who don't feel they measure up can suffer self-esteem problems. Related to that is the need for affirmation via "Likes." If adolescents don't reap those coveted upvotes of approval, that can contribute to depression as well.

Online bullying is another important concern, in which a teen's reputation can be tarnished instantly in a very public way, leaving them with little recourse. Furthermore, simply staying up late texting and interacting online can lead to sleep deprivation. Finally, almost by definition kids who are interacting online are less likely to be developing face-to-face relationships -- and thus learning the important social skills that come with that interaction.

For all of these reasons, social media combined with smartphone use can be a problematic combination for adolescents' emotional and relational development and maturity.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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