Focus on the Family

Q: Is it acceptable for parents to read our teenage daughter's journal, or go through her room, if we suspect she might be involved in some kind of unhealthy activity? And what if we do find evidence that something disturbing is occurring?

Jim: It's difficult to give a definitive response without knowing a lot more about you, your daughter, and the specifics of the case. But in a very broad sense, the answer would be yes: As parents, you do have a right to check on your kids when circumstances seem to merit it. The guiding factor here is a parent's duty to protect your child from dangers, temptations and threats of any kind.

It's easy to stumble in this area, but that's forgivable -- so long as your actions are truly motivated by love. Before reading a single word of your daughter's journal, honestly examine your own heart to determine why you feel a need to investigate. Make sure that you're acting solely out of genuine care and concern.

From there, think in terms of four simple principles that are absolutely essential when it comes to parenting teens successfully -- connection, context, conversation and consequences.

Connection is all about the history of your relationship with your child. Do you talk and touch base regularly? Is she accustomed to mom checking up on her occasionally in a loving way since she was small? Or has a sense of estrangement and distrust been allowed to creep into your interactions with one another?

Context has to do with your perception of her character. Generally speaking, is she a "good girl" or not? Are your suspicions based on established patterns of negative behavior? Or is she the kind of child for whom "unhealthy activity" would be a serious exception to the rule?

Conversation. If, on the basis of connection and context, you decide to dip into your daughter's journal -- and find your fears confirmed -- you'll need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. The issue of privacy will likely come up almost immediately, so start with: "We need to talk about your right to privacy and my respect for it." Then say, "We also need to discuss some things I read in your journal the other day. Let's deal with that first." If she objects, calmly explain that it's your house and you're responsible for her. But if her objections seem reasonable, don't be afraid to say so. Whatever happens, always come back to the idea that you did what you did out of love.

Consequences is the final step if "something disturbing" has indeed been happening. Everything depends upon the circumstances. If your daughter has become involved with individuals who negatively influence her behavior, make sure that those ties are cut. Other measures, such as grounding or social media restrictions, may be appropriate.

Of course, it's possible that the problem isn't a question of morality or safety at all. If you discover that your daughter is just struggling with emotional issues, relational challenges, spiritual doubts or questions of self-esteem, then take a subtler approach without mentioning the diary entry at all. Instead, try saying something like, "How are things going with the girls at school?" or "Do you ever struggle with feelings of discouragement? I sure did when I was your age." In other words, make careful use of the information you have without disclosing where you got it. This is all part of the process of building a healthy working relationship with your child.

Again, these are challenging waters to navigate. If you think it might be helpful, I'd invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: As a first-time grandma, I'm excited to play an active and positive role in my grandchild's life. But I also want to be careful to respect appropriate boundaries with my son and daughter-in-law. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Congratulations! Grandparents can have a significant impact on the lives of your children and your grandchildren, and you've gained valuable perspective after raising your own kids. As first-time parents, your son and his wife may soon feel overwhelmed by the nonstop responsibility -- so you can help them see this little one through the eyes of a love-struck grandmother.

The best gift you have to offer is the gift of your time. You'll well remember that new parents need a break occasionally. Instead of a vague "let me know if I can help," you might suggest a specific time -- for example, "How about if I come over Tuesday evening at five so you two can get out for a couple of hours?" You can also extend an open invitation to call you whenever they feel they're reaching the end of their rope.

Incidentally, here's an important piece of advice about giving advice. You may not totally agree with the way your grown children are raising your grandchildren. But be very careful about the way you broach that subject, especially with your daughter-in-law.

Why do I say that? Remember: As parents, they have the final say and responsibility for the way their children are raised. Your duty in almost every situation is to abide by their decisions. The one exception is if an irresponsible parent's behavior or neglect is exposing a child to harm. Otherwise, offer advice only if asked, and work at building a relationship through which you can share the benefits of your parenting experience.

Q: My husband was a smoker for most of his life. He quit a few years ago, but I just discovered that he's smoking again -- and has been hiding it for months. I'm very upset over this but want to support my husband. What should I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I would guess that you're feeling a range of different emotions -- so before doing anything else, I encourage you to sort those out. You're probably frustrated that he's back at square one with his struggle. You'd naturally be upset that he's hidden this from you for so long. You have a right to expect honesty in your relationship, but instead there's been a lack of transparency. The foundation of trust may not have collapsed, but it has suffered some erosion. Repairing that should be your focus.

I suggest you sit down with your husband for an honest conversation. Begin by expressing your disappointment FOR -- not in -- him. Assure him of your love, respect and confidence that he'll win this battle. Emphasizing this may help alleviate some of the shame that may have contributed to his concealment of the relapse.

With those things said, ask him to tell you his story. Has stress at work or home triggered the urge to smoke? Why did he feel he couldn't share his struggles and be honest with you?

Once you understand those things, move into why his actions hurt you. Don't make smoking the issue; he's likely more upset about that than you are. Instead, highlight that this is a matter of trust -- and for that to exist, you need to feel he can confide in you. Ask him if there are obstacles to that, and what might be done to remove those.

If the obstacles seem too big or you need guidance working through this challenge together, please give our counselors a call at 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: I'm a recent newlywed. Even in just a few short weeks, my husband and I are feeling overwhelmed. Life together isn't playing out the way we anticipated. Is this normal? We both really want to make this relationship work.

Jim: Yes, that's completely normal. No matter how strong your relationship with your new spouse, the lofty expectations you had before the wedding rarely match the reality after you say "I do."

For instance, my wife, Jean, and I had a really rough time early in our marriage. Jean was dealing with depression, and I had come from a broken home with no positive male role models. If not for counseling, prayer and help from caring friends, we might have become another divorce statistic.

That's why I think it's very important for young couples to have "marriage mentors" in their lives. Simply put, these are older couples with years of experience weathering life's storms. Mentors can offer wise counsel to young couples who might be feeling uncertain and overwhelmed.

Some newlyweds come from stable families and might see their own parents as potential marriage mentors. However, moms and dads don't always have the objectivity to offer unbiased advice. According to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, a marriage mentor is NOT a mother or a father, nor a close peer. Marriage mentors are not "on call" for every crisis, and they don't know everything. They don't have perfect marriages themselves (nobody does). Instead, they're friendly acquaintances who can model a healthy committed relationship and offer insights when needed.

So, I hope you newlyweds will take the time to seek out marriage mentors. And for the "old pros" who might be reading this -- look for a younger couple with whom you can share openly about the challenges and joys of a lifelong commitment. You'll gain as much as they do.

Q: My husband and I have a one-year-old son. We're talking about having another baby, but we aren't sure what's best for the dynamics of our family. Are kids happier when they're closer in age, or is it better to plan them farther apart?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I'm glad that you're even considering the potential impact on your family dynamics. Being intentional and thoughtful parents makes just as much -- or more -- difference than the age differences of your children. There really isn't a simple "one size fits all" answer, but there are some things to consider.

Children born within two years of each other are more likely to develop close bonds than those spaced farther apart. However, the closer siblings are in age, the more opportunity for intense conflict and competition -- it's only natural!

Kids four or more years apart are less likely to connect due to social, emotional and life stage differences. This sometimes produces a more peaceful household, but there may be different challenges. For example, if the older (and bigger) child tends to be aggressive, parental focus will be on the safety of the younger child. But if the older child is mature and cooperative, it can be tempting to place too many adult responsibilities on his shoulders. A child in this position needs to still be encouraged to play and be a kid.

As you ponder timing for your next baby, consider your health, the genuine desire for another child, the stability of your marriage, finances, your schedule demands and your support system. The goal for your children should be their healthy development -- keeping in mind that growth involves learning to overcome challenges. All told, there is a higher likelihood of siblings' relationship being molded by shared experiences and understanding the closer they are in age.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.