Focus on the Family

Q: I have always wanted to father and raise my own children. I'm engaged now, but if my fiancée can't have kids, I'm not sure I want to pursue marrying her. Should I ask her to be tested for infertility before we marry?

Jim: Well, I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like you aren't ready for marriage because you don't understand what it's really about. Your question betrays a self-centered motive that isn't conducive to true relationship on any level. To marry a woman is to vow to love her for who she is -- not for what you think she can do for you.

Marriage is about mutually committing yourselves "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse." Genuine, sacrificial love doesn't ask someone to pass tests or jump through hoops before closing the deal. Instead, it gives itself away unconditionally and unreservedly. That concept is critical to laying the foundation of a strong and lasting marriage.

If you can bring yourself to that point, then you can sit down with your fiancée and have a deep and serious conversation about goals and priorities. Among other things, make sure that you're both on the same page about your desire for children and your openness to alternatives such as adoption. Lay everything out on the table as honestly as you can with a humble heart. If you don't pin this down now, you'll run into misunderstandings and big problems down the road.

But whatever you do, don't insist that she submit to infertility testing. That's just a way of saying, "I will love you if ..." No woman (or man) wants to hear this from the person they plan on spending their life with.

We have plenty of resources and advice at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage.

Q: I'm curious -- what would you say is the single most important character trait I can teach my kids?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I hear this question a lot, and my answer might surprise you. I believe the characteristic that forms the basis of all other healthy relational traits in the life of a well-adjusted, connected and genuinely loving child is humility.

A humble person cares about people around them, regardless of race, sex or socioeconomic status. The word humility itself comes from the word humus; gardeners know that humus is necessary for deep-rooted growth in plants.

Humility leads a child toward becoming a contributor rather than a consumer as they grow and mature. Here are seven quick tips:

Foster a culture of listening first. People crave to be known. Help your kids be slow to speak and quick to listen to others.

Learn to exercise and grow in empathy toward life. A key to being genuinely relational is developing the ability to see others through a lens of value and worth.

Foster a mindset that sees invitations rather than inconveniences. Opportunities to engage and serve others can be embraced as invitations rather than dreaded as inconveniences.

Practice a culture of gratitude. Make it a household habit to identify and intentionally talk about what you're thankful for.

Model and encourage a culture of respect. Notice and respect each person's unique ideas, emotions and interests.

Fuel others through words of encouragement. Words can be life-giving, so model giving genuine encouragement to your children and other people.

Celebrate opportunities to serve. Identify ways to serve within your family as well as in your neighborhood, school or community.

Learning humility will help your child develop in many other areas of their character and relationships. For more, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our two sons (ages 5 and 7) are sweet kids. However, they're constantly fighting over toys, which movie to watch and so on. How can I defuse this bickering behavior?

Jim: I think every parent with more than one child at home has been forced to confront the issue of sibling rivalry at some point. My wife and I certainly had to address it with our own boys!

Thankfully, there are some practical things you can do to keep competition and animosity in check. Author Grace Stopani has developed a list of five steps to address sibling rivalry:

Teach your children mutual respect. Mean words and actions coming from a brother or sister can hurt deeply, so put a damper on insults.

Don't play favorites. All children are created equal, but they're not all the same. Recognize and highlight each child's individual skills and strengths without implying that one is somehow better than the other.

Teach your kids conflict management. Acknowledge their feelings while helping them learn to express those emotions in the proper way. It isn't wrong for your sons to become frustrated with one another from time to time. But there are good ways and bad ways for them to deal with it.

Don't ignore good behavior. Of course, you need to intervene when they're behaving badly. But it's more important to reward them with praise when they're getting along. Be sure each child receives a healthy dose of your time and interest.

Show appreciation for who your children ARE, not what they do. If a child feels valued merely for his performance, he will feel the need to prove his worth. Encourage your boys' self-esteem by praising their God-given traits, like compassion or a tender heart.

Parenting isn't easy. But implementing these guidelines can help restore a measure of peace. For more tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Q: My new wife and I each have adult children from previous marriages. Her son is going through a divorce and recently moved in with us. We're trying to support him, but I'm concerned he's taking advantage of his mother; she does everything for him. How should I approach my wife about this without harming our relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I think you're wise to take this carefully. My advice to anyone who's confronting another person is to first sort out the "hot button" issue. For you, it could be that you're being protective of your wife. Or it might be that the attention she's redirecting toward him has caused you to feel neglected by your new bride. Those can both be legitimate concerns, but it's critical you determine what truly needs to be discussed.

With that established, when you do sit down with your wife take your cue from St. Francis: Seek to understand before being understood. Listen first to learn why she's indulging her son. Maybe she's feeling guilt over the breakup of her first marriage, or pain for her son because of his own divorce. Whatever the case, empathize with her feelings and how this has impacted her. Only then should you begin to share your feelings.

Finally, work together to come up with a solution that's a "win-win" for your marriage. Remember: You're a team, and anything resembling a "win-lose" is actually a loss for both of you. Develop a plan for how her son can contribute (cleaning, laundry, rent, etc.) and for how long he can stay. Then support your wife as she communicates these boundaries to her son with you by her side. While this is a challenge you'd prefer to avoid, it could make your marriage even stronger in the long run.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Is it acceptable for parents to read our teenage daughter's journal, or go through her room, if we suspect she might be involved in some kind of unhealthy activity? And what if we do find evidence that something disturbing is occurring?

Jim: It's difficult to give a definitive response without knowing a lot more about you, your daughter, and the specifics of the case. But in a very broad sense, the answer would be yes: As parents, you do have a right to check on your kids when circumstances seem to merit it. The guiding factor here is a parent's duty to protect your child from dangers, temptations and threats of any kind.

It's easy to stumble in this area, but that's forgivable -- so long as your actions are truly motivated by love. Before reading a single word of your daughter's journal, honestly examine your own heart to determine why you feel a need to investigate. Make sure that you're acting solely out of genuine care and concern.

From there, think in terms of four simple principles that are absolutely essential when it comes to parenting teens successfully -- connection, context, conversation and consequences.

Connection is all about the history of your relationship with your child. Do you talk and touch base regularly? Is she accustomed to mom checking up on her occasionally in a loving way since she was small? Or has a sense of estrangement and distrust been allowed to creep into your interactions with one another?

Context has to do with your perception of her character. Generally speaking, is she a "good girl" or not? Are your suspicions based on established patterns of negative behavior? Or is she the kind of child for whom "unhealthy activity" would be a serious exception to the rule?

Conversation. If, on the basis of connection and context, you decide to dip into your daughter's journal -- and find your fears confirmed -- you'll need to sit down and have a serious conversation with her. The issue of privacy will likely come up almost immediately, so start with: "We need to talk about your right to privacy and my respect for it." Then say, "We also need to discuss some things I read in your journal the other day. Let's deal with that first." If she objects, calmly explain that it's your house and you're responsible for her. But if her objections seem reasonable, don't be afraid to say so. Whatever happens, always come back to the idea that you did what you did out of love.

Consequences is the final step if "something disturbing" has indeed been happening. Everything depends upon the circumstances. If your daughter has become involved with individuals who negatively influence her behavior, make sure that those ties are cut. Other measures, such as grounding or social media restrictions, may be appropriate.

Of course, it's possible that the problem isn't a question of morality or safety at all. If you discover that your daughter is just struggling with emotional issues, relational challenges, spiritual doubts or questions of self-esteem, then take a subtler approach without mentioning the diary entry at all. Instead, try saying something like, "How are things going with the girls at school?" or "Do you ever struggle with feelings of discouragement? I sure did when I was your age." In other words, make careful use of the information you have without disclosing where you got it. This is all part of the process of building a healthy working relationship with your child.

Again, these are challenging waters to navigate. If you think it might be helpful, I'd invite you to contact us for a free consultation with one of our counseling professionals; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.