Focus on the Family

Q: My in-laws like to host extravagant get-togethers with all the relatives; this year they're "going extra big" for the holidays because gatherings didn't happen last year. But these events are always marked by tension and arguments among extended family members. I don't want to offend my husband or his parents, but I'm tired of all the conflict. Can you suggest a solution?

Jim: This certainly isn't a unique situation; in fact, it's fairly common. Many family gatherings that should be warm and loving end up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations. But "common" isn't the same thing as "unavoidable." As I see it, you have several alternatives.

One option is to be honest. Tell your in-laws that you appreciate their thoughtful invitation, but you simply aren't going to be able to join the party. There's no need to defend yourself or offer a long explanation; just state your position and leave it at that. Of course, you and your spouse have to be in complete agreement on this course.

A second choice is to attend the gathering but minimize contact. If travel is involved, stay at a hotel instead of your in-laws' home. Tell them that you're looking forward to spending time with them, but you don't want to get caught up in a feud between other members of the family. If the party does disintegrate into a shouting match, politely excuse yourselves and head for home.

There's also a third option, which is to approach the next family gathering from a different perspective. Try to see it as a time for reaching out in kindness and grace, even when that's challenging. Look for opportunities to extend love to some unlovely people -- and/or connect with others "on the sidelines." You may end up having a bigger impact in all their lives than you might suspect.

Q: Our 4-year-old daughter's selective eating habits are driving us crazy; she's VERY finicky about food. I view this as disobedience, but my husband fears that making an issue of it now will lead to trouble later. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Dealing with a picky eater can be stressful -- my poor mother went through it with me! There's always a reason for any given behavior. Your daughter might be struggling with a sensory issue regarding specific textures, which could require professional guidance, or perhaps reacting to certain tastes.

But if she's simply a "fussy" eater, it could be tied to her emotions (stress, family conflict, guilt, frustration, anxiety). Many kids attempt to assert control over their environment through eating. You and your husband must work together to help your daughter expand her palate and learn how to communicate her emotions in healthy ways.

Here are some quick tips to consider:

Take inventory of your family's stress levels and overall emotional state. Strategize healthy ways to manage stress.

Your child may decide to skip a meal. Don't panic; she'll most likely be hungry at the next meal.

Give her a measure of control by offering a choice between two equally nutritious options, like broccoli or green beans as the vegetable. Take her shopping with you to select foods for your family's meals and have her help with some of the preparations.

Don't turn meals into power struggles. Allow a reasonable amount of time for her to eat, then put her plate in the refrigerator until the next meal.

Create a culture of connection in a safe, consistent and unhurried environment to eat together. Some families play board games or word games at the table to deflect attention away from the food.

With patience, Mom and Dad working together can help your child see food as fuel rather than a battlefield.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: I'm in my mid-20s, but my mother seems unable or unwilling to acknowledge that I'm an adult. How can I help her understand I'm not a kid anymore?

Jim: It's not uncommon for parents to struggle with the idea of a son or daughter moving ahead into full adulthood. There can be any number of factors involved; for example, this issue often arises in families with a history of marital conflict and divorce. The empty nest years can seem especially threatening to a woman who, for whatever reason, has been pouring much of her emotional energy into her children.

With that context, I'd suggest a good starting point would be trying to understand -- but not necessarily excusing -- your mother's viewpoint. If you can grasp an idea of her motivation for clinging to your childhood so tenaciously, that awareness can help inform a productive discussion as two equal adults.

From there, you'll need a degree of assertiveness to outline healthy boundaries. As gently and lovingly as possible, affirm that you love her -- but explain that you need to start establishing more emotional independence. While your mom may initially feel rejected, she needs to understand and acknowledge that this is a normal part of anyone's growth and maturation.

Meanwhile, make sure that you're not "enabling" your mother to keep you in a childlike role. If you allow her to do your laundry every weekend, or count on your parents for financial support, you're contributing to the problem. And if you're still living under the same roof, this would be a good time to think about moving out and getting your own place.

Once you've established some healthy margin, I'd advise you to keep the lines of communication open and continue to be sensitive to your mom's feelings. The ultimate priority is your lifelong relationship with her.

Q: My husband and I both struggle with anger. We end up taking our frustrations out on each other, even though neither of us want to live this way. How do we break this cycle?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I think most couples deal with this in some form at some point. Note that anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It generally disguises other emotions -- usually fear, frustration, hurt or some combination of these three emotions. And sometimes anger is triggered by disappointment over unfulfilled expectations.

So always remember that there's more to the picture than the surface anger. Sometimes it's easier to feel compassion for others -- and ourselves -- when we realize that a deeper form of pain is hidden underneath smoldering anger.

Of course, that certainly doesn't give anyone the right to explode in rage at someone else. And physical violence is NEVER OK.

When we mismanage our anger, we risk destroying relationships -- especially with those we love the most. Poorly handled anger leaves a trail of damaged relationships in our wake. And unhealthy ways of dealing with anger are often passed from one generation to the next, causing even more destruction.

What it all comes down to is that we each have a choice in every scenario. We can recognize that our emotions are normal responses to everyday life, or we can ignore our emotions and stuff them. But eventually the bad stuff will surface. When we learn to deal with anger in healthy ways, it can lead to greater understanding and intimacy in our marriages.

Realistically, that's best done with the careful guidance of a professional counselor to help identify and address underlying issues. Our counseling team would love to help you get started; you can call 855-771-4537 for a free consultation. I wish you all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: I have always wanted to father and raise my own children. I'm engaged now, but if my fiancée can't have kids, I'm not sure I want to pursue marrying her. Should I ask her to be tested for infertility before we marry?

Jim: Well, I hate to be blunt, but it sounds like you aren't ready for marriage because you don't understand what it's really about. Your question betrays a self-centered motive that isn't conducive to true relationship on any level. To marry a woman is to vow to love her for who she is -- not for what you think she can do for you.

Marriage is about mutually committing yourselves "in sickness and in health" and "for better or for worse." Genuine, sacrificial love doesn't ask someone to pass tests or jump through hoops before closing the deal. Instead, it gives itself away unconditionally and unreservedly. That concept is critical to laying the foundation of a strong and lasting marriage.

If you can bring yourself to that point, then you can sit down with your fiancée and have a deep and serious conversation about goals and priorities. Among other things, make sure that you're both on the same page about your desire for children and your openness to alternatives such as adoption. Lay everything out on the table as honestly as you can with a humble heart. If you don't pin this down now, you'll run into misunderstandings and big problems down the road.

But whatever you do, don't insist that she submit to infertility testing. That's just a way of saying, "I will love you if ..." No woman (or man) wants to hear this from the person they plan on spending their life with.

We have plenty of resources and advice at FocusOnTheFamily.com/Marriage.

Q: I'm curious -- what would you say is the single most important character trait I can teach my kids?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I hear this question a lot, and my answer might surprise you. I believe the characteristic that forms the basis of all other healthy relational traits in the life of a well-adjusted, connected and genuinely loving child is humility.

A humble person cares about people around them, regardless of race, sex or socioeconomic status. The word humility itself comes from the word humus; gardeners know that humus is necessary for deep-rooted growth in plants.

Humility leads a child toward becoming a contributor rather than a consumer as they grow and mature. Here are seven quick tips:

Foster a culture of listening first. People crave to be known. Help your kids be slow to speak and quick to listen to others.

Learn to exercise and grow in empathy toward life. A key to being genuinely relational is developing the ability to see others through a lens of value and worth.

Foster a mindset that sees invitations rather than inconveniences. Opportunities to engage and serve others can be embraced as invitations rather than dreaded as inconveniences.

Practice a culture of gratitude. Make it a household habit to identify and intentionally talk about what you're thankful for.

Model and encourage a culture of respect. Notice and respect each person's unique ideas, emotions and interests.

Fuel others through words of encouragement. Words can be life-giving, so model giving genuine encouragement to your children and other people.

Celebrate opportunities to serve. Identify ways to serve within your family as well as in your neighborhood, school or community.

Learning humility will help your child develop in many other areas of their character and relationships. For more, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.