Focus on the Family

Q: We tried our best to be good parents, but our adult son has developed a talent for making poor decisions and behaving irresponsibly. He's deep in debt and may lose his job for lack of transportation because his expensive car was repossessed. We've tried to support and help him in similar situations, but things just keep getting worse. What do you suggest?

Jim: Even good parents often see adult children make poor choices. Our role as parents changes as our kids enter adulthood, but our purpose should not: To encourage them to become mature, responsible and self-regulating independent adults.

In this instance, I think that means allowing your son to come face-to-face with the real-life consequences of his choices. Here are three principles to keep in mind:

Don't make your child's problem your problem. Maintain appropriate boundaries by respecting his right to be his own man and make his own decisions. Taking "co-ownership" of his problems deprives him of adult autonomy, which is almost always counterproductive.

Don't make yourself the solution to your child's problem. It's not your job or responsibility to fix everything that's broken in your son's life, or right every wrong. Experience is the best teacher, so you need to allow your son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his decisions.

Maintain the relationship. Avoid undermining the connection with your son by jumping in where you aren't wanted or needed. Uninvited interference and "I told you so's" can inspire resentment, which can then destroy the all-important heart-connection between parent and child. The best way to maintain a strong and positive influence is to keep the lines of communication open, be available and pray.

If you need help navigating this process, don't hesitate to call our counseling team at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: I had never noticed this before I recently got married, but I've discovered that my husband is a "messie." I'm the one who likes everything clean and orderly, so I'm the one who picks up after him and does all the housework. I'm already getting tired of it; what should I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is actually a fairly common scenario, and you already identified the problem. You weren't thinking about housework when the two of you fell in love, so you didn't talk about it. But now that you're married, it's a whole different ball game.

To some extent, this can be a question of conflicting personalities. For example, creative types are often less concerned about neatness than those who take a more "left-brain" approach to life. But ultimately, no one can change another person -- we can only change ourselves.

The key is to approach the problem with patience, understanding and lots of love. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

Be upfront and honest. Assume ownership of your feelings, then voice them candidly and respectfully.

It's a team effort. Approach the situation as equal partners working to find a "win-win" arrangement that's acceptable to both of you.

Don't attack your mate. Confront the problem; don't belittle the person.

Encourage growth. Commend your mate's efforts when you see positive progress.

Remember: Change takes time. Be patient, and let your spouse know that you're in this together for the long haul.

As you go through this process, try to view it as an opportunity for cooperation rather than conflict. A key to having a healthy marriage is striving to understand each other and seeking to meet each other's needs. This is a great area to practice these principles.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My in-laws like to host extravagant get-togethers with all the relatives; this year they're "going extra big" for the holidays because gatherings didn't happen last year. But these events are always marked by tension and arguments among extended family members. I don't want to offend my husband or his parents, but I'm tired of all the conflict. Can you suggest a solution?

Jim: This certainly isn't a unique situation; in fact, it's fairly common. Many family gatherings that should be warm and loving end up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations. But "common" isn't the same thing as "unavoidable." As I see it, you have several alternatives.

One option is to be honest. Tell your in-laws that you appreciate their thoughtful invitation, but you simply aren't going to be able to join the party. There's no need to defend yourself or offer a long explanation; just state your position and leave it at that. Of course, you and your spouse have to be in complete agreement on this course.

A second choice is to attend the gathering but minimize contact. If travel is involved, stay at a hotel instead of your in-laws' home. Tell them that you're looking forward to spending time with them, but you don't want to get caught up in a feud between other members of the family. If the party does disintegrate into a shouting match, politely excuse yourselves and head for home.

There's also a third option, which is to approach the next family gathering from a different perspective. Try to see it as a time for reaching out in kindness and grace, even when that's challenging. Look for opportunities to extend love to some unlovely people -- and/or connect with others "on the sidelines." You may end up having a bigger impact in all their lives than you might suspect.

Q: Our 4-year-old daughter's selective eating habits are driving us crazy; she's VERY finicky about food. I view this as disobedience, but my husband fears that making an issue of it now will lead to trouble later. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Dealing with a picky eater can be stressful -- my poor mother went through it with me! There's always a reason for any given behavior. Your daughter might be struggling with a sensory issue regarding specific textures, which could require professional guidance, or perhaps reacting to certain tastes.

But if she's simply a "fussy" eater, it could be tied to her emotions (stress, family conflict, guilt, frustration, anxiety). Many kids attempt to assert control over their environment through eating. You and your husband must work together to help your daughter expand her palate and learn how to communicate her emotions in healthy ways.

Here are some quick tips to consider:

Take inventory of your family's stress levels and overall emotional state. Strategize healthy ways to manage stress.

Your child may decide to skip a meal. Don't panic; she'll most likely be hungry at the next meal.

Give her a measure of control by offering a choice between two equally nutritious options, like broccoli or green beans as the vegetable. Take her shopping with you to select foods for your family's meals and have her help with some of the preparations.

Don't turn meals into power struggles. Allow a reasonable amount of time for her to eat, then put her plate in the refrigerator until the next meal.

Create a culture of connection in a safe, consistent and unhurried environment to eat together. Some families play board games or word games at the table to deflect attention away from the food.

With patience, Mom and Dad working together can help your child see food as fuel rather than a battlefield.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I'm in my mid-20s, but my mother seems unable or unwilling to acknowledge that I'm an adult. How can I help her understand I'm not a kid anymore?

Jim: It's not uncommon for parents to struggle with the idea of a son or daughter moving ahead into full adulthood. There can be any number of factors involved; for example, this issue often arises in families with a history of marital conflict and divorce. The empty nest years can seem especially threatening to a woman who, for whatever reason, has been pouring much of her emotional energy into her children.

With that context, I'd suggest a good starting point would be trying to understand -- but not necessarily excusing -- your mother's viewpoint. If you can grasp an idea of her motivation for clinging to your childhood so tenaciously, that awareness can help inform a productive discussion as two equal adults.

From there, you'll need a degree of assertiveness to outline healthy boundaries. As gently and lovingly as possible, affirm that you love her -- but explain that you need to start establishing more emotional independence. While your mom may initially feel rejected, she needs to understand and acknowledge that this is a normal part of anyone's growth and maturation.

Meanwhile, make sure that you're not "enabling" your mother to keep you in a childlike role. If you allow her to do your laundry every weekend, or count on your parents for financial support, you're contributing to the problem. And if you're still living under the same roof, this would be a good time to think about moving out and getting your own place.

Once you've established some healthy margin, I'd advise you to keep the lines of communication open and continue to be sensitive to your mom's feelings. The ultimate priority is your lifelong relationship with her.

Q: My husband and I both struggle with anger. We end up taking our frustrations out on each other, even though neither of us want to live this way. How do we break this cycle?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I think most couples deal with this in some form at some point. Note that anger is a secondary emotion, not a primary feeling. It generally disguises other emotions -- usually fear, frustration, hurt or some combination of these three emotions. And sometimes anger is triggered by disappointment over unfulfilled expectations.

So always remember that there's more to the picture than the surface anger. Sometimes it's easier to feel compassion for others -- and ourselves -- when we realize that a deeper form of pain is hidden underneath smoldering anger.

Of course, that certainly doesn't give anyone the right to explode in rage at someone else. And physical violence is NEVER OK.

When we mismanage our anger, we risk destroying relationships -- especially with those we love the most. Poorly handled anger leaves a trail of damaged relationships in our wake. And unhealthy ways of dealing with anger are often passed from one generation to the next, causing even more destruction.

What it all comes down to is that we each have a choice in every scenario. We can recognize that our emotions are normal responses to everyday life, or we can ignore our emotions and stuff them. But eventually the bad stuff will surface. When we learn to deal with anger in healthy ways, it can lead to greater understanding and intimacy in our marriages.

Realistically, that's best done with the careful guidance of a professional counselor to help identify and address underlying issues. Our counseling team would love to help you get started; you can call 855-771-4537 for a free consultation. I wish you all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.