Focus on the Family

Q: My dear father passed away a few months ago. He was always the center of family gatherings, so as Christmas approaches we're all starting to deal with the fact that he won't be there. This is so much harder than I expected; do you have any advice for getting through this season?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. We've all heard that Christmas and other holidays can amplify the pain of losing a loved one, but until we experience it ourselves, we don't fully understand. For those struggling with heartache, here are some thoughts for navigating the holiday season.

First, acknowledge as an entire family that emotions will run high this Christmas. Stuffing your grief or pretending everything is fine won't help. But it's perfectly acceptable -- and healthy -- to cry together, even on Christmas Day.

That said, it's also very important to be OK with actively celebrating the holiday and fondly remembering your dad's past role in it. Some people may struggle with guilt when laughter erupts in the middle of the grieving. Give yourselves permission to experience whatever emotions arise.

Another idea is to simply scale back this Christmas. Observing a few family traditions can help maintain some stability. But be realistic about what everyone needs and feels up to.

Finally, turn your emotions outward by blessing others in need. Consider reaching out to another family or giving to a charity in your loved one's name. Serving someone else can often bring joy even in the midst of sorrow.

Christmas is the season of lights, but life can feel dark when your heart is aching. Our staff counselors would consider it a privilege to offer you a compassionate, listening ear or an encouraging word; call 855-771-4357.

Q: Our family has somehow fallen into the pattern of expecting a bigger and better Christmas every year. My kids, especially, always want us to top the previous holiday season somehow. Naturally it falls on Mom (me) to make everything happen, but it's exhausting. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I think many parents can relate and know exactly what you're talking about, but it shouldn't "all fall on you." The natural trend in life usually moves from simple toward elaborate. And social media generates pressure to compete with others -- especially when it comes to holidays, trips and experiences. Unless, of course, you decide to put some healthy and necessary limits in place.

Think about what you would rather see for Christmas and what your children truly need during the season. Keep in mind that it's never too late -- or too early -- to help your kids learn the incredible and essential life lessons of gratitude, contentment and limits. Providing "bigger and better" doesn't always provide more happiness, nor make you a great parent. It simply makes you a stressed-out parent and tends to leave you with more debt. And let's face it -- good memories will last longer and hold more long-term value than anything you can buy.

Christmas with healthy limits can still have a lot of meaning outside of "bigger and better." In fact, you can create incredible traditions that are simple, low-stress, low-budget and memorable. For example, baking cookies, making gingerbread houses, gift scavenger hunts, building a snowman, decorating and hanging stockings, caroling through the neighborhood, and playing board games are all simple -- and timeless -- family traditions for many homes. Set a budget and stick to it. Emphasize contentment with what you already have, and practice gratitude by giving of your family's time and money to others.

Discussing and setting strategic limits can reduce stress at Christmas and make it a more enjoyable time for your entire household. For more ideas and tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: We tried our best to be good parents, but our adult son has developed a talent for making poor decisions and behaving irresponsibly. He's deep in debt and may lose his job for lack of transportation because his expensive car was repossessed. We've tried to support and help him in similar situations, but things just keep getting worse. What do you suggest?

Jim: Even good parents often see adult children make poor choices. Our role as parents changes as our kids enter adulthood, but our purpose should not: To encourage them to become mature, responsible and self-regulating independent adults.

In this instance, I think that means allowing your son to come face-to-face with the real-life consequences of his choices. Here are three principles to keep in mind:

Don't make your child's problem your problem. Maintain appropriate boundaries by respecting his right to be his own man and make his own decisions. Taking "co-ownership" of his problems deprives him of adult autonomy, which is almost always counterproductive.

Don't make yourself the solution to your child's problem. It's not your job or responsibility to fix everything that's broken in your son's life, or right every wrong. Experience is the best teacher, so you need to allow your son the opportunity to learn from the consequences of his decisions.

Maintain the relationship. Avoid undermining the connection with your son by jumping in where you aren't wanted or needed. Uninvited interference and "I told you so's" can inspire resentment, which can then destroy the all-important heart-connection between parent and child. The best way to maintain a strong and positive influence is to keep the lines of communication open, be available and pray.

If you need help navigating this process, don't hesitate to call our counseling team at 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Q: I had never noticed this before I recently got married, but I've discovered that my husband is a "messie." I'm the one who likes everything clean and orderly, so I'm the one who picks up after him and does all the housework. I'm already getting tired of it; what should I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is actually a fairly common scenario, and you already identified the problem. You weren't thinking about housework when the two of you fell in love, so you didn't talk about it. But now that you're married, it's a whole different ball game.

To some extent, this can be a question of conflicting personalities. For example, creative types are often less concerned about neatness than those who take a more "left-brain" approach to life. But ultimately, no one can change another person -- we can only change ourselves.

The key is to approach the problem with patience, understanding and lots of love. Here are some guidelines to keep in mind:

Be upfront and honest. Assume ownership of your feelings, then voice them candidly and respectfully.

It's a team effort. Approach the situation as equal partners working to find a "win-win" arrangement that's acceptable to both of you.

Don't attack your mate. Confront the problem; don't belittle the person.

Encourage growth. Commend your mate's efforts when you see positive progress.

Remember: Change takes time. Be patient, and let your spouse know that you're in this together for the long haul.

As you go through this process, try to view it as an opportunity for cooperation rather than conflict. A key to having a healthy marriage is striving to understand each other and seeking to meet each other's needs. This is a great area to practice these principles.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.

Q: My in-laws like to host extravagant get-togethers with all the relatives; this year they're "going extra big" for the holidays because gatherings didn't happen last year. But these events are always marked by tension and arguments among extended family members. I don't want to offend my husband or his parents, but I'm tired of all the conflict. Can you suggest a solution?

Jim: This certainly isn't a unique situation; in fact, it's fairly common. Many family gatherings that should be warm and loving end up turning into tense, uncomfortable confrontations. But "common" isn't the same thing as "unavoidable." As I see it, you have several alternatives.

One option is to be honest. Tell your in-laws that you appreciate their thoughtful invitation, but you simply aren't going to be able to join the party. There's no need to defend yourself or offer a long explanation; just state your position and leave it at that. Of course, you and your spouse have to be in complete agreement on this course.

A second choice is to attend the gathering but minimize contact. If travel is involved, stay at a hotel instead of your in-laws' home. Tell them that you're looking forward to spending time with them, but you don't want to get caught up in a feud between other members of the family. If the party does disintegrate into a shouting match, politely excuse yourselves and head for home.

There's also a third option, which is to approach the next family gathering from a different perspective. Try to see it as a time for reaching out in kindness and grace, even when that's challenging. Look for opportunities to extend love to some unlovely people -- and/or connect with others "on the sidelines." You may end up having a bigger impact in all their lives than you might suspect.

Q: Our 4-year-old daughter's selective eating habits are driving us crazy; she's VERY finicky about food. I view this as disobedience, but my husband fears that making an issue of it now will lead to trouble later. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Dealing with a picky eater can be stressful -- my poor mother went through it with me! There's always a reason for any given behavior. Your daughter might be struggling with a sensory issue regarding specific textures, which could require professional guidance, or perhaps reacting to certain tastes.

But if she's simply a "fussy" eater, it could be tied to her emotions (stress, family conflict, guilt, frustration, anxiety). Many kids attempt to assert control over their environment through eating. You and your husband must work together to help your daughter expand her palate and learn how to communicate her emotions in healthy ways.

Here are some quick tips to consider:

Take inventory of your family's stress levels and overall emotional state. Strategize healthy ways to manage stress.

Your child may decide to skip a meal. Don't panic; she'll most likely be hungry at the next meal.

Give her a measure of control by offering a choice between two equally nutritious options, like broccoli or green beans as the vegetable. Take her shopping with you to select foods for your family's meals and have her help with some of the preparations.

Don't turn meals into power struggles. Allow a reasonable amount of time for her to eat, then put her plate in the refrigerator until the next meal.

Create a culture of connection in a safe, consistent and unhurried environment to eat together. Some families play board games or word games at the table to deflect attention away from the food.

With patience, Mom and Dad working together can help your child see food as fuel rather than a battlefield.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.