Focus on the Family

Q: Christmas joy and good cheer, blah, blah, blah. I don't feel merry -- I usually just fake it because all of my holiday memories are bad ones. So how am I supposed to get in the "Christmas spirit"?

Jim: I get it -- for every festive party and joyous carol this Christmas season, there will be someone out there who, for various reasons, just barely makes it through. And unfortunately, some WON'T make it through -- the numbers show that depression and suicide rates peak this time of year.

Loneliness, financial hardship, loss of a family member, painful memories -- in situations like these the Christmas season can lose its meaning and feel cold and empty. In fact, sadness can quickly turn into despair when the rest of the world seems so happy and joyous.

If your dreams of a white Christmas instead feel cold and blue, I encourage the perhaps counterintuitive course of reaching out to someone. Spend extra time with family members or friends. It's important to honestly let them know you're going through a tough time and could really use their support. If those types of connections aren't readily available to you, I hope you'll call a counselor or pastor. They understand how tough this time of year is for many people, and they can help your holiday shine a little brighter.

Our staff counselors would be happy to come alongside you. Call 855-771-4537 or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for information.

One last thought -- if you're reading this and doing OK yourself, try to think of someone who might not be. Perhaps there's someone you suspect will be alone for Christmas; invite them over for dinner, a game/movie, or even your family's Yuletide celebration. It could make the crucial difference for a person who needs a friend.

Q: Christmas is a big deal in our family -- we all love it! However, our children (age 8 and 6) are at a stage where they focus mostly on themselves and whatever presents they hope to get. We'd like to help them learn to be less self-centered and to think about others. Any ideas?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Your kids are normal! Children are naturally self-focused and love to get presents. In fact, like the rest of us -- we're all guilty of this -- their brains are hard-wired to pursue what they would consider to be rewarding for themselves.

We all need year-round encouragement and reminders to put others ahead of ourselves. But here are a few practical ideas during the Christmas season to help your kids be less self-centered:

Spend time with others. Have a meal with family or friends and involve your children in the cooking and serving.

Serve others. Your kids can help around the house, do yardwork or housework for others, and/or some extra service projects (church, homeless shelters).

Help with shopping. Have your children help as you shop for others and go through your shopping list.

Shop for others. Match your kids' spending as they shop for their friends, teachers, and/or family members (i.e., they pay half, you pay half). If they don't have money of their own, give them a budget to spend on others.

Place limits on the number of gifts or monetary amount that will be spent. If they (hopefully) come in below budget, put the extra money in a fund for a family activity or to give to others in need.

Make Christmas cards for others. Provide your kids with the supplies to make cards for others, including friends, teachers, coaches and grandparents.

For more practical parenting tips, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting. Merry Christmas!

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Our first child is 8 months old. We hope to have one or two more kids. Approaching this first Christmas as parents has us wondering -- as our children grow older, do you think we should let them believe in Santa Claus?

Jim: Focus on the Family doesn't endorse any specific viewpoint regarding Santa, Christmas trees and other Western traditions. Many families embrace these aspects of the Christmas season, but others consider them detractions from the true meaning of the holiday.

Regardless, I'll say this: If you do choose to allow your children to believe in Santa Claus, make sure to tell them about the REAL Saint Nick.

History tells us that Saint Nicholas lived in Asia Minor (modern day Turkey) in the fourth century. He was noted for his compassion for those in need, but was also a humble man who relied on secrecy to avoid receiving praise for his actions. Tradition says he once rescued three young women whose father had no money for their dowry; in those days and that culture, girls who remained unmarried risked being sold into slavery. Saint Nicholas sneaked into the family's home one night and left gold coins in the girls' stockings, which were drying by the fireplace. That, of course, is where we get our modern version of the jolly red-suited fellow who loads up stockings on Christmas Eve.

The original Saint Nick is also a great reminder of the meaning of this season. Christmas is about gifts -- and not just the kind you put under a tree. Christmas centers on a baby born in a manger and given as a gift to all mankind. It's about each of us giving from whatever abundance we have to someone less fortunate. It's about caring for people in need and making their world a little brighter.

Q: Every Christmas I can count on receiving a gift from my mother-in-law that I just don't like. No matter the item, it rarely fits my tastes. I pretend to like the gifts because I don't want to hurt her -- but I also don't want to be dishonest. How can I handle this?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I think most of us have been in this awkward situation. Sure, honesty is an essential virtue. But it doesn't mean expressing every thought or feeling running through our brains. Before deciding to let your mother-in-law know your feelings about any particular gift, I'd strongly encourage you to carefully examine your motives and relationship with her.

It's a good sign that you want to avoid hurting her unnecessarily -- that indicates you value her more than things. While you may not be crazy about the gift, you can use the occasion to focus on and express your appreciation for the giver.

Beyond that, the question of whether you privately tell her your true feelings about the gift largely depends on the strength and safety of your relationship. How long have you known her? Have you exchanged candid emotions before? If so, what was the response? Is she insecure or prideful in her gift giving, to the point where negative feedback might be painful?

If you're not to that point yet, you might consider spending time shopping together, both to build your relationship and to get acquainted with each other's preferences. In the bigger picture, your family might consider drawing names with each person submitting a wish list.

Developing healthy relationships with in-laws takes grace and intentional thought, but it's worth the effort. If you think our counseling team can help, don't hesitate to call 855-771-4537 for a free consultation.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My dear father passed away a few months ago. He was always the center of family gatherings, so as Christmas approaches we're all starting to deal with the fact that he won't be there. This is so much harder than I expected; do you have any advice for getting through this season?

Jim: My heart goes out to you. We've all heard that Christmas and other holidays can amplify the pain of losing a loved one, but until we experience it ourselves, we don't fully understand. For those struggling with heartache, here are some thoughts for navigating the holiday season.

First, acknowledge as an entire family that emotions will run high this Christmas. Stuffing your grief or pretending everything is fine won't help. But it's perfectly acceptable -- and healthy -- to cry together, even on Christmas Day.

That said, it's also very important to be OK with actively celebrating the holiday and fondly remembering your dad's past role in it. Some people may struggle with guilt when laughter erupts in the middle of the grieving. Give yourselves permission to experience whatever emotions arise.

Another idea is to simply scale back this Christmas. Observing a few family traditions can help maintain some stability. But be realistic about what everyone needs and feels up to.

Finally, turn your emotions outward by blessing others in need. Consider reaching out to another family or giving to a charity in your loved one's name. Serving someone else can often bring joy even in the midst of sorrow.

Christmas is the season of lights, but life can feel dark when your heart is aching. Our staff counselors would consider it a privilege to offer you a compassionate, listening ear or an encouraging word; call 855-771-4357.

Q: Our family has somehow fallen into the pattern of expecting a bigger and better Christmas every year. My kids, especially, always want us to top the previous holiday season somehow. Naturally it falls on Mom (me) to make everything happen, but it's exhausting. Help!

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: I think many parents can relate and know exactly what you're talking about, but it shouldn't "all fall on you." The natural trend in life usually moves from simple toward elaborate. And social media generates pressure to compete with others -- especially when it comes to holidays, trips and experiences. Unless, of course, you decide to put some healthy and necessary limits in place.

Think about what you would rather see for Christmas and what your children truly need during the season. Keep in mind that it's never too late -- or too early -- to help your kids learn the incredible and essential life lessons of gratitude, contentment and limits. Providing "bigger and better" doesn't always provide more happiness, nor make you a great parent. It simply makes you a stressed-out parent and tends to leave you with more debt. And let's face it -- good memories will last longer and hold more long-term value than anything you can buy.

Christmas with healthy limits can still have a lot of meaning outside of "bigger and better." In fact, you can create incredible traditions that are simple, low-stress, low-budget and memorable. For example, baking cookies, making gingerbread houses, gift scavenger hunts, building a snowman, decorating and hanging stockings, caroling through the neighborhood, and playing board games are all simple -- and timeless -- family traditions for many homes. Set a budget and stick to it. Emphasize contentment with what you already have, and practice gratitude by giving of your family's time and money to others.

Discussing and setting strategic limits can reduce stress at Christmas and make it a more enjoyable time for your entire household. For more ideas and tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/parenting.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.