Focus on the Family

Q: We recently moved, and we're afraid our son is being bullied at his new school. Do you have any advice?

Jim: Unfortunately, bullying isn't limited just to the schoolyard anymore. "Thanks" to technology (especially "social" media), it can happen to anyone, anywhere, anytime. The only remedy is to expose it for what it is.

First, if you sense there's a problem, don't wait for your son to talk about it. Ask: "Is someone picking on you at school?" Bullies often threaten to harm a child if he tells. Strong lines of communication will assure your son that he's not alone. And watch for nonverbal signs of bullying (wanting to stay home, consistently "losing" snack/lunch money, etc.).

Second, take it seriously. It could take every ounce of courage your child has to admit he's being harassed. Younger kids might not have the vocabulary to fully explain what's happening to them. So don't minimize or dismiss the severity of their situation.

Third, encourage your child to stick close to friends whenever possible. The presence of even one buddy might deter a bully. Peer support doesn't replace adult intervention, but it can provide an emotional safety net and help restore lost hope.

Finally, discreetly take action. Your child may fear that things will just get worse if you make a fuss. But talk to teachers, school administrators, parents and family friends -- anyone you can to ensure your son has the resources needed to feel safe. You might even consider pulling him from school for a few days until the problem is handled.

I'd also strongly recommend visiting with a counselor so your child can work through any lingering feelings of fear. Our staff counselors would be happy to help you get started and offer referrals to a local therapist. Call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for more information.

Q: My wife and I are always arguing. You name it: chores, money, sex, kids, work -- everything. Neither of us want to argue, and we're not sure how we got here -- but we can't seem to help ourselves. What's going on?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Maybe you've heard the phrase: "The issue isn't the issue." What that means in this context is that regardless of what you and your spouse are arguing about, the conflict is likely rooted in one of five underlying issues:

Power and control. This struggle typically reveals itself in arguments over plans, preferences or (often) finances. Conflict is inevitable when both spouses are vying for control in some area or when one is trying to prevent the other from taking control.

Lack of respect. This happens when there's a disregard for key differences in personality, individuality or gender -- or when the feelings, rights or decisions of one spouse are ignored. Attempts to manipulate fall into this category.

Distance. When spouses are unavailable physically or emotionally, disharmony is likely. Sometimes one spouse will put up emotional walls for perceived self-protection. That can create feelings of rejection and abandonment for their mate.

Distrust. Conflict thrives here. If a relationship doesn't feel safe, suspicion and distrust can flare up and spouses may no longer feel comfortable expressing their feelings or needs.

Unmet Needs. An unmet need may revolve around attention, communication, time, money, empathy or love. It can occur intentionally or inadvertently. When needs are minimized or overlooked in a marriage, resentment and hurt often lead to conflict.

So the question is: What underlying issues are at the heart of your conflicts? If you can begin to identify and discuss these things together, you'll stand a much better chance of resolving them when they arise in your marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Every year at this time, I think about the 9/11 attacks. None of my three kids were born yet then, so they've never known a world without that history. My son has been reading about 9/11 and various natural disasters. Yesterday he asked me how people respond to these tragedies. What's your take?

Jim: One of the biggest challenges any of us face might be to live every moment focused on what truly matters. For example, whenever a natural disaster occurs, I'm struck by interviews with those who survive. Almost without exception, these individuals stand in the rubble of their lives and wisely share the same perspective about what's really important. They may have lost everything from a material standpoint, but they express deep gratitude that their loved ones are safe.

That reaction makes sense -- after all, tragedy has a unique way of bringing clarity into our lives. But I'm concerned that it sometimes takes a crisis for us to see clearly. We get distracted, and family priorities soon begin to erode. For example, studies have shown that on average, fathers spend less than 60 seconds in daily conversation with each of their children!

Our society bombards us with a skewed idea of what's valuable, and we buy into that hype far too easily. Parents work longer and harder in a never-ending quest for newer cars, bigger houses and the latest tech. Eventually, the stuff of life overshadows what really matters, while connection with our family dwindles away.

When disaster rocks the very foundation of our lives, we need something even deeper to comfort us. There are only two things in life that we can count on for that -- the love and support of family and friends, and, most importantly, the bedrock of faith. Nothing besides love and an eternal perspective can reach into our suffering in those moments and bring us true comfort.

Q: My girlfriend and I are both divorced. We want to be together long-term but dread the thought of going through divorce again if things go sour. It seems safer to just live together. What do you think?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I'm always saddened to hear people claim that the way to avoid the pain of divorce is to skip marriage entirely. The argument goes: "We don't need a wedding ring or a piece of paper to prove we're in love." I'm sorry to be blunt, but that's backward thinking.

Since living together outside of marriage is nothing new, there's plenty of research available to help determine if skipping the wedding really helps couples stay together. As a Christian, I think there are solid moral arguments against cohabitating. But even for those who don't believe that, the overwhelming weight of research evidence shows that the odds are against couples who don't make a formal commitment to one another. Studies also indicate that cohabitating undermines the chances of future marital success.

Feelings of love aren't what make a marriage endure -- it's commitment. Every relationship will encounter struggles; there will likely even be times when the two of you don't like each other very much. But one study showed that married couples are 10 times more likely to stay together through difficult stretches than those who cohabit.

On average, married couples are also happier. That's because a thriving commitment helps both husband and wife feel safe with each other, which enables them to build deeper love and intimacy. As the song says: "Put a ring on it."

So, if you really want to avoid the pain of divorce, the answer isn't to skip marriage altogether. It's to commit to marriage wholeheartedly. For tips and tools to do that, see ReadyToWed.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: My elderly father is struggling on his own, so we're arranging to have him come and live with us. We're even open to remodeling our house if necessary. Can you offer any suggestions to make our home as safe and comfortable as possible for him?

Jim: I'll share what Focus on the Family's advisory Physicians Resource Council has recommended for such situations. Considering the effects of decreased mobility, diminished eyesight or oncoming deafness, even the most comfortable house can become hazardous for an elderly person. This is especially true if the lighting is inadequate, there are many stairs (or staircases that are hard to climb) or the faucets and doorknobs are difficult to use. So even simple changes and minor remodeling can make a big difference in the comfort, convenience and safety of your home from your dad's perspective. Here are some ideas to consider:

Replace steps with ramps. Install ramps over doorsills -- or remove the sills altogether -- for walker or wheelchair accessibility.

Install handrails on both sides of stairs or hallways.

Elevate toilet seats using inserts specially designed for this purpose. Install sturdy grab bars in the bathroom next to the toilet, shower stall and bathtub.

Remove area rugs and runners that slide and create tripping hazards.

Ensure that all electrical cords are out of the flow of traffic. Also, don't run these cords under furniture or carpeting -- that's a fire hazard.

Install nightlights in bedrooms, hallways and bathrooms. Keep charged flashlights beside your dad's bed, near his favorite chair and in other convenient places. Consider buying lamps that turn on and off with a simple touch.

Replace heavy dishes and glasses with lightweight, nonbreakable dishware.

Examine stairways to make sure they're well lighted and equipped with nonslip strips.

Eliminate low furniture that might present a tripping hazard, such as coffee tables.

If you live in a multistory house, you might want to think about rearranging the living environment to allow your father to live on the ground floor. This works best if there's a full bathroom on this level, but there are special chair-lift systems for stairways that can help your dad move from one floor to the other. Some insurance policies cover the cost for these devices. Meanwhile, I'd strongly encourage a physical therapy evaluation to assess your father's mobility and determine the potential need for assistive devices such as canes or walkers. If he does require such tools, keep an extra walker and/or cane on each floor of the house so he can easily access them.

In addition to making physical changes to your home, the whole family can promote safety -- for example, just quickly cleaning up spills on the floor. Make a point of providing physical assistance when he needs to rise from a reclining to a sitting or standing position. Bottom line: An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure when it comes to protecting your father from dangerous falls and injuries.

Finally, take advantage of the resources available from several helpful sources:

National Association of Area Agencies on Aging (www.n4a.org): Encourages members to help older persons and persons with disabilities live with dignity and choices in their homes and communities for as long as possible.

Caregiver Action Network (caregiveraction.org): This organization educates, supports, empowers and speaks up for the more than 65 million Americans who care for loved ones with a chronic illness or disability or the frailties of old age.

Aging Life Care Association (www.aginglifecare.org): An organization of practitioners whose goal is the advancement of expert assistance to the elderly and their families.

I hope these thoughts are helpful. I wish you and your father all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.