Focus on the Family

Q: I've been married for over a decade, and I'm finally starting to realize that I basically take my wife for granted. How can I begin honoring her better?

Jim: I'll use an illustration that might sound surprising: the ballet. A friend once told me about a famous Russian choreographer who said, "The ballet is woman." What he meant is that the beauty of the dance is primarily captured by a woman's grace, her strength and her expression of beauty through the language of movement.

In that context, the male ballet dancer's primary role is to showcase his female partner. When he lifts and twirls her, she glows in the spotlight and the audience is enthralled. As he uses his strength to support her through intricate and difficult steps, he helps her achieve more from her performance than she could on her own. Then, as the audience rewards her with thunderous applause, the male dancer steps back into the shadows while she is adored and celebrated. He defers as she takes center stage.

Now, I know that type of role doesn't come easy to most guys. But what if we husbands adopted the same attitude toward our wives? What if men asked ourselves: "How can I showcase my wife and honor her? How can I support her so that other people see the beautiful woman that I see? How can I bring out the best in her -- and brag about her?" (If you're more into team sports like football, try asking yourself: "How can I block a clear path so she can carry the ball and score a touchdown?")

I agree with the dancer who said, "My job is to make the beautiful yet more beautiful." I think that's the job of every husband as well. Don't just love your wife -- cherish her and showcase her to others.

Q: What's the difference between punishment and discipline? I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, but I don't want to punish them. Can you help me understand and apply the difference between these two?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: That's a great question. There can be confusion about the difference between punishment and discipline. At its basic level, punishment is about abruptly stopping something -- it's from the outside moving inward. In other words, punishment tries to shape behaviors instead of what led to the decisions. Whereas discipline is about teaching from the inside out with the goal of shaping the child.

In my work with families, I have consistently seen children learn best through guidance within a trusting relationship. Eventually, your kids can experience more freedom as they consistently display healthy decision-making skills.

This is part of the end goal within an authoritative parenting style and the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. Discipline is a key ingredient to build the foundation of high levels of sensitivity, understanding and empathy.

Punishment usually produces negative characteristics like guilt, shame, fear and more. At its worst, punishment focuses on the past and is driven by anger -- leaving children confused or sad.

Discipline, on the other hand, is future-focused, pointing toward understanding decision-making. There is clear correction of behaviors, but it's built on redemption. Discipline takes a lot of thought, energy and time, but the investment is worthwhile.

What an incredible opportunity! To apply effective discipline within your home, explore these strategies:

Prioritize relational connection with your child.

Avoid disciplining out of anger. Manage your emotions before disciplining your kids.

Be as clear as possible about boundaries and guidelines.

The goal is growth, learning and trust -- not control.

To learn more ways to apply discipline within your parenting toolbox, and other parenting tips, visit www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We've taught our children that physical violence is never acceptable. Unfortunately, our son has been getting picked on, and even physically threatened, at school this year. Should children be taught to defend themselves when attacked or should they just "turn the other cheek"?

Jim: I agree wholeheartedly that fighting should be discouraged. But as you've stated, children -- actually, people of all ages -- can be unbelievably cruel to one another. Bullying is a serious problem that requires a serious response.

Maybe we should first look at the idea of "turning the other cheek." As I see it, this teaching has a very narrow application. It's mainly concerned with the issue of personal revenge or retaliation, not self-defense. Its message is intended to encourage us to (1) let go of the desire to "get back" at those who have wronged us and (2) be willing to suffer personal injustices in the interest of a higher purpose. But loving one's neighbor sometimes requires a willingness to actively defend others who are being abused and mistreated. That may require appropriately controlled force. Complete non-resistance, then, is not what is being called for in response to physical violence.

So, I don't believe your son should be expected to be anyone's personal punching bag. Instead, he should be equipped with a plan of action and trained to respond, not simply react. It's good that you're teaching your children to cooperate with others as much as possible. But in cases where their physical safety is at risk, they should be prepared to walk away if possible, but defend themselves appropriately if necessary.

Our staff counselors would be pleased to discuss practical strategies for confronting and dealing with this problem. Don't hesitate to call 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation.

Q: I've come to recognize that I have damaged my marriage by being overly critical of my husband for years. How can I/we turn this situation around and move forward in our relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: An anger cycle often gets set in motion when a perceived need isn't met. In this case, your husband probably feels disrespected and strongly reacts to your hurtful comments; your likely response is to become even more critical, and around it goes. Once established, this cyclical bitterness builds on itself and just gets worse.

But here's the good news: It only takes one person to slow the cycle. And real intimacy CAN be reestablished if both parties are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. As the offender, you're in the best position to make the first move toward resolution.

You can initiate a positive dialogue by citing specifics. For example, you can say, "I realize I hurt you when I said --." Once you've taken that step, be as honest as you can about the negative emotions that are continuing to keep you and your husband apart. You might tell him, "When we hardly speak for days, I feel lonely and unloved." It's OK if his first response isn't everything you might hope; that's simply an indication of where he's at emotionally. You can move forward by asking him what he heard you say. Then clarify what you meant and invite him to express his own feelings in greater depth.

Counseling is a vitally important resource in your efforts to get to the heart of the problem. A professional therapist will be able to help you identify destructive relational patterns and avoid them in the future. Our counseling department (number above) can give you a list of referrals to therapists in your area. Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals. I wish you all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I recently heard a news report about human trafficking and sexual slavery right here in my own city. I was horrified. But I don't know what I, just a normal person, can do to help. Do you have any suggestions?

Jim: Unfortunately, most of us go about our daily business blissfully ignorant of the suffering and tragedy that could be taking place under our very noses. But here's the point -- "just normal people" can do a LOT to help.

Start by being observant. If you see someone you suspect might be a victim of trafficking, watch for evidence that he or she is being controlled. Signs include inability to relocate or leave a job, fear or depression, lack of proper identification or marks of physical abuse. If you have an opportunity to speak with such an individual in a non-threatening situation, ask questions like, "Do you want to be doing this work?" or "Are you being paid?" or "Can you leave if you choose?" and "Where do you live and what are your working conditions like?" Should you come across evidence of trafficking in your neighborhood, contact the National Human Trafficking Hotline (888-373-7888, HumanTraffickingHotline.org).

Closer to home, the best way to fight trafficking is to build strong relationships with your children. Home needs to be the place where kids receive affirmation and build a positive self-image. Build a bond of mutual trust to protect them against negative outside influences. Acknowledge that there are dangerous people in society, but then make it very clear to your kids that they can always come to you with their needs and concerns. Children who have that kind of support at home generally don't look for it somewhere else (which is how many trafficking victims become ensnared).

Our staff counselors would be happy to discuss this issue at greater length; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: I've been hearing about the permissive parenting style lately. How do I know if I'm a permissive parent, and do you have any thoughts about it?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: You may have heard or read that permissive parenting styles can be helpful for your child's development. However, most research indicates that permissive parenting results in a higher likelihood of difficulty as your child ages.

Generally, permissive parenting involves high levels of sensitivity to a child's concerns, combined with very few boundaries. Throughout more than two decades as a family therapist, I've observed four types of permissive parents:

Fearful: Parents afraid of upsetting their children with boundaries or rules.

Insecure: Parents who do not want to lose their child's love, so they sacrifice accountability and healthy discipline.

Distracted: Parents who are constantly busy, where they cannot provide healthy guidance, limits and consistency.

Misinformed: Parents who have read or heard that letting your kids "just figure it out" is the best way to go.

It's true that happiness can come from healthy relationships and developing good decision-making. But how can kids learn what is healthy without boundaries or learning the difference between right and wrong?

My personal and professional experience and research consistently illustrate that while permissive parenting might be sometimes useful in moderation, it is best applied following an authoritative parenting style.

In other words, if you consistently apply an authoritative parenting style early in a child's life, there is a higher likelihood of being able to successfully shift to a more permissive parenting style later in your child's development -- after trust and healthy decision-making have been established.

To learn more about parenting styles, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com. You can also explore the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting, based off the research on authoritative parenting styles and secure attachment.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.