Focus on the Family

Q: My father died recently. He was a huge influence on me, and it hurts to think that my kids will miss out on his wisdom and encouragement as they grow. I know we can't replace Grandpa, but do you have any advice for ways to fill in the gap of his now-missing influence?

Jim: My condolences for your loss. It's always hard to lose a treasured loved one -- especially in situations like yours when there has been a close relationship with multiple generations.

You're right, you certainly can't "replace" Grandpa himself. But perhaps you can find someone else to help fill the void. There are thousands of folks around us -- veterans, nursing home residents and others -- who are growing old alone. A few years ago, one survey of more than 16,000 care centers in the U.S. found that only 15% of the residents received visitors. In other words, 85% didn't receive visits from anyone -- not family, not friends, not even a chaplain. It's likely even worse now after the pandemic. We can do better.

In that context, I'd suggest you consider "adopting" someone in the elder generation. If care centers still restrict visitors, seek out older folks at church or down the street. As your children have the chance to build a relationship with a "surrogate grandparent," they can gain a lot from seasoned experience and wisdom -- while brightening someone's world in return.

Meanwhile, if you'd like to talk to someone about your father's death -- and how to help your children process it -- I invite you to contact our staff counselors for a free consultation; call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Q: My husband and I have been married a little over four years. I have several close "guy buddies" at work, and I know he's in a similar setting with some women at his job. My male friends get a little flirty with me sometimes, and I expect it's the same for my husband. It's all harmless as long as nothing happens, right?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Honestly, I think you're both on thin ice here. Counselor Dave Carder has spent more than 30 years studying the causes of infidelity. He believes infatuation is basically like a powerful (and addictive) mind-altering substance.

As Carder puts it, "Most people don't wake up and decide they'll ruin their marriage today." Affairs usually develop slowly, without the parties involved realizing they're drifting into dangerous emotional territory. Infatuation is especially hazardous because it evolves from "simple" everyday relationships. Sure, associating with co-workers, neighbors and family friends is appropriate in the typical sense. But when two people are together day after day, infatuation can develop before anyone realizes it's happening.

People consumed by infatuation behave as if they're under the influence of a mind-altering substance. And to Dave Carder's point, they are -- they're drunk with emotion. They don't make rational decisions or care how their choices impact others.

Protecting your marriage means keeping watch for danger signs that your emotions are drifting. Maybe you're saving certain topics of conversation for somebody other than your spouse because, in your mind, they understand you better. You might share intimate details about your marriage with that person. You're definitely off track when you look forward to seeing the other person more than your spouse.

These indicators are often subtle but critically important. When your marriage goes through a dry spell -- as all relationships do -- you can easily become infatuated with someone else. You may lose all sense of reason ... and then almost nothing will prevent you from having an affair. So, avoid making one of the biggest mistakes of your life by keeping your work relationships and your emotions in check.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I've been married for over a decade, and I'm finally starting to realize that I basically take my wife for granted. How can I begin honoring her better?

Jim: I'll use an illustration that might sound surprising: the ballet. A friend once told me about a famous Russian choreographer who said, "The ballet is woman." What he meant is that the beauty of the dance is primarily captured by a woman's grace, her strength and her expression of beauty through the language of movement.

In that context, the male ballet dancer's primary role is to showcase his female partner. When he lifts and twirls her, she glows in the spotlight and the audience is enthralled. As he uses his strength to support her through intricate and difficult steps, he helps her achieve more from her performance than she could on her own. Then, as the audience rewards her with thunderous applause, the male dancer steps back into the shadows while she is adored and celebrated. He defers as she takes center stage.

Now, I know that type of role doesn't come easy to most guys. But what if we husbands adopted the same attitude toward our wives? What if men asked ourselves: "How can I showcase my wife and honor her? How can I support her so that other people see the beautiful woman that I see? How can I bring out the best in her -- and brag about her?" (If you're more into team sports like football, try asking yourself: "How can I block a clear path so she can carry the ball and score a touchdown?")

I agree with the dancer who said, "My job is to make the beautiful yet more beautiful." I think that's the job of every husband as well. Don't just love your wife -- cherish her and showcase her to others.

Q: What's the difference between punishment and discipline? I want my kids to learn from their mistakes, but I don't want to punish them. Can you help me understand and apply the difference between these two?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: That's a great question. There can be confusion about the difference between punishment and discipline. At its basic level, punishment is about abruptly stopping something -- it's from the outside moving inward. In other words, punishment tries to shape behaviors instead of what led to the decisions. Whereas discipline is about teaching from the inside out with the goal of shaping the child.

In my work with families, I have consistently seen children learn best through guidance within a trusting relationship. Eventually, your kids can experience more freedom as they consistently display healthy decision-making skills.

This is part of the end goal within an authoritative parenting style and the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting. Discipline is a key ingredient to build the foundation of high levels of sensitivity, understanding and empathy.

Punishment usually produces negative characteristics like guilt, shame, fear and more. At its worst, punishment focuses on the past and is driven by anger -- leaving children confused or sad.

Discipline, on the other hand, is future-focused, pointing toward understanding decision-making. There is clear correction of behaviors, but it's built on redemption. Discipline takes a lot of thought, energy and time, but the investment is worthwhile.

What an incredible opportunity! To apply effective discipline within your home, explore these strategies:

Prioritize relational connection with your child.

Avoid disciplining out of anger. Manage your emotions before disciplining your kids.

Be as clear as possible about boundaries and guidelines.

The goal is growth, learning and trust -- not control.

To learn more ways to apply discipline within your parenting toolbox, and other parenting tips, visit www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: We've taught our children that physical violence is never acceptable. Unfortunately, our son has been getting picked on, and even physically threatened, at school this year. Should children be taught to defend themselves when attacked or should they just "turn the other cheek"?

Jim: I agree wholeheartedly that fighting should be discouraged. But as you've stated, children -- actually, people of all ages -- can be unbelievably cruel to one another. Bullying is a serious problem that requires a serious response.

Maybe we should first look at the idea of "turning the other cheek." As I see it, this teaching has a very narrow application. It's mainly concerned with the issue of personal revenge or retaliation, not self-defense. Its message is intended to encourage us to (1) let go of the desire to "get back" at those who have wronged us and (2) be willing to suffer personal injustices in the interest of a higher purpose. But loving one's neighbor sometimes requires a willingness to actively defend others who are being abused and mistreated. That may require appropriately controlled force. Complete non-resistance, then, is not what is being called for in response to physical violence.

So, I don't believe your son should be expected to be anyone's personal punching bag. Instead, he should be equipped with a plan of action and trained to respond, not simply react. It's good that you're teaching your children to cooperate with others as much as possible. But in cases where their physical safety is at risk, they should be prepared to walk away if possible, but defend themselves appropriately if necessary.

Our staff counselors would be pleased to discuss practical strategies for confronting and dealing with this problem. Don't hesitate to call 855-771-HELP (4357) for a free consultation.

Q: I've come to recognize that I have damaged my marriage by being overly critical of my husband for years. How can I/we turn this situation around and move forward in our relationship?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: An anger cycle often gets set in motion when a perceived need isn't met. In this case, your husband probably feels disrespected and strongly reacts to your hurtful comments; your likely response is to become even more critical, and around it goes. Once established, this cyclical bitterness builds on itself and just gets worse.

But here's the good news: It only takes one person to slow the cycle. And real intimacy CAN be reestablished if both parties are willing to take responsibility for their own feelings and behavior. As the offender, you're in the best position to make the first move toward resolution.

You can initiate a positive dialogue by citing specifics. For example, you can say, "I realize I hurt you when I said --." Once you've taken that step, be as honest as you can about the negative emotions that are continuing to keep you and your husband apart. You might tell him, "When we hardly speak for days, I feel lonely and unloved." It's OK if his first response isn't everything you might hope; that's simply an indication of where he's at emotionally. You can move forward by asking him what he heard you say. Then clarify what you meant and invite him to express his own feelings in greater depth.

Counseling is a vitally important resource in your efforts to get to the heart of the problem. A professional therapist will be able to help you identify destructive relational patterns and avoid them in the future. Our counseling department (number above) can give you a list of referrals to therapists in your area. Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com/get-help/counseling-services-and-referrals. I wish you all the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.