Focus on the Family

Q: I’m dreading Christmas this year. The whole extended family will be in the same place together, and there’s a lot of unresolved conflict simmering just beneath the surface (some of it involving my household with others). Do you have any advice for navigating a tense and awkward situation?

Jim: One beautiful thing about family is the deep connection tying members together through thick and thin. But as most of us have experienced, those ties can also have a dark side when conflict is involved. Even petty arguments can drag out for years -- and it can be especially difficult to bring resolution if neither party is willing to take a step toward peace.

So, the most pivotal step is also the most challenging. And that’s for you to take the initiative to try to rebuild a bridge -- before everyone is together. Even if you feel another family member is at fault, make the first move and show some grace and love. Take an honest look at the situation, and yourself, and acknowledge if you’ve contributed to the tension, even inadvertently. Try sending a card or email with something simple like, “I miss our friendship -- let’s start over,” or “I’m sorry we’ve had tension in our relationship. What can I do to help resolve it?”

Even if the other person involved doesn’t respond, you’ll know you did your part to establish peace and goodwill this holiday season. And then when everyone is together, prioritize what’s commonly known as the Golden Rule: Simply treat others the way you yourself want to be treated. As you model that approach to your entire family, you might be surprised at the results.

If you’d like to talk to one of our staff counselors about your situation, call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My kids hear so many conflicting messages during the Christmas season. How do I help them catch the generosity message when there’s so much selfishness apparent this time of year?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: What a great gift for your kids! Generosity can provide amazing benefits to them as they continue to grow up and learn to love others genuinely. It’s not easy to go against human nature and the cultural norms of selfishness. It takes consistency and patience as you teach your children this important trait.

Here are some ideas to help you consider how you can promote generosity during this time of the year:

Start Family Traditions. Create serving days instead of shopping days where your entire family picks where they can serve for a day. Or consider making a “joy jar” where your kids write down their favorite ideas for generosity; draw out one idea each week (or each month through the year) to do together.

Cultivate a Spirit of Generosity. Discuss different ways you can be generous.

-- Time -- Give of your time to another person.

-- Toys or things -- Give old or new toys to someone else for them to enjoy.

-- Words -- Provide genuine compliments or words of encouragement.

-- Acts of service -- Serve others without expecting anything in return.

Give More Than You Take. It’s essential for our kids to learn to be contributors rather than consumers in this world. Contributors learn to naturally serve out of love for others. Consumers act only to get things from others. Have your children come up with creative ways your family can create a culture filled with contributors.

To learn more about teaching your kids generosity, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com. While there, you can explore the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting to make generosity part of your home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I have always struggled with insecurity. It leaves me feeling stuck in destructive patterns and unhealthy relationships. How can I gather the courage to break free?

Jim: You're not alone. But the fact that most of us experience at least some insecurities doesn't mean they don't have great power -- and can keep someone trapped in a cycle of dysfunction and misery.

In most cases, our insecurities are simply nuisances. We may question our attractiveness, feel self-conscious about the car we drive or dread public speaking. These are the kinds of things that make us feel awkward in social situations but otherwise don't hold much influence over our lives.

But for some people, insecurities tap into a deep well of fear. That drives their thinking and keeps them stuck in painful situations. It can feel especially overwhelming when the only solution a person knows is willpower. But gutting it out and simply trying harder is rarely effective. Realistically, you need outside help.

Admittedly, some anxieties can be eased with the support and encouragement of loved ones who reassure you in times of weakness. But other fears are just too deeply entrenched and can only be overcome with professional help. Not to mention the spiritual component -- I personally believe that we can never be fully secure until we have a relationship with the Creator who uniquely designed each of us as individuals.

So, I would strongly encourage you to take the step of asking for help. With the guiding hand of a qualified counselor, you can not only rebuild your self-image but learn how to replace fear with confidence. Our staff counselors would love to help you get started and find a therapist in your area; call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com for more information. Take heart -- there is hope for healing.

Q: My wife drives me crazy by always wanting to "talk about things." When I'm tired and just want to relax, she launches into an emotional outburst about how we don't "communicate" anymore. The only chance I have for any peace and quiet is to leave the house. How can I get her to understand?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Many couples find that they differ significantly when it comes to their needs and desires for verbal communication. That's partly due to "Mars-Venus" gender differences; most women have a far greater stock of words than their husbands. But it can also be a matter of individual temperament and personality. "Opposites attract" is great until the honeymoon is over -- and a couple has to go about the business of living together and understanding each other.

I'd suggest that you try setting up a specific occasion to talk, with an agreed-upon time frame. Twenty or thirty minutes would be a good place to start. Use a kitchen timer and stick to the limit. Promise to not run away, but allow for a timeout if things get too intense.

Start by focusing on your respective needs for communication and quiet time. Make a conscious effort to use "I" statements to convey your feelings; in other words, don't blame or attack your spouse. The goal is for the speaker to be heard and understood -- don't interrupt each other. Listen carefully and ask for clarification when needed. If you need to take a timeout, schedule a catch-up session within twenty-four hours for further discussion. This will give both of you a sense of reassurance and safety.

If you need some guidance in putting these concepts into practice, Focus on the Family's staff counselors would be happy to help. See the contact information in Jim's answer above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Do you have any suggestions for emphasizing that it's more than just food, football, shopping and days off from school?

Jim: One of the key secrets to a happy life is gratitude. I'm not talking about brief moments (or days) here and there where we casually acknowledge the good things in life. It's actively living every day filled with gratitude.

Being grateful isn't just an emotion we feel -- it's a deliberate choice of perspective. Given the challenges we all face in life, we might have to search for reasons to be grateful. Maybe we're having trouble at work; we can still be thankful we have a job. Or maybe our child is making poor decisions. Amidst the disappointment, we can be grateful they're safe and healthy at that moment.

Gratitude isn't just thankfulness when everything is going right. After all, life is seldom like that. Instead, gratitude is understanding that we live in a broken world, yet choosing to be thankful anyway.

Doing that requires intentionally looking for the goodness around us. The smallest blessings can be the hardest to notice. But they're also the things that give our lives richness and meaning.

The Thanksgiving holiday is a great occasion to begin that practice. Many families go around the table and share what everyone is grateful for. In my household, we carry that tradition on throughout the year because we believe it's important to do. With kids, I'd strongly recommend emphasizing relational blessings over material possessions.

Life will always confront us with challenges. Those hardships can sometimes drain our gratitude. But making it a daily habit to pause and reflect helps us remember how much we have to be thankful for.

For more encouragement to make each day count, visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My children struggle with handling their emotions. How do I help them learn to manage their feelings and develop healthy coping skills when difficult situations occur?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Emotions can be like untrained puppies. They need careful attention and training to become pleasant companions along the way.

At a young age, the part of the brain in charge of emotions -- the amygdala -- is fully formed. But the area that helps make sense of and manage those emotions develops at a much slower pace. As a result, your children are trying to communicate something they have not yet learned how to regulate.

Here are a few quick practical tips for helping your children manage their untamed emotions:

Teach Your Child to Be a Noticer. Your child can learn to notice how different emotions feel. You can start with "good or bad?" You can also describe emotions as connecting or disconnecting. Have your child notice and identify the emotional momentum inside their mind.

Teach Them to Become a Thought Detective. Children need to learn to think about their thinking. You can ask, "Tell me what thought is dancing with that emotion." Many times, their emotions make sense with what they see. Help your children develop healthy thought detective skills by presenting different ways of interpreting situations.

Develop an Emotions Vocabulary. An emotions vocabulary helps a child with communicating about how they are responding to what is happening around them. For example, an emotions chart can be instrumental in helping children come up with words for what's happening inside their mind as they try to navigate their world.

Like puppies, emotions take lots of patience, consistency, time and attention to be under control. To learn more about how to help your children manage their emotions, and explore our emotions and feelings charts, visit www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.