Focus on the Family

Q: Another year, another Christmas when the whole extended family comes to our house. And every year my wife's stress level skyrockets as the holiday gets closer. I don't even know what to say or do to help her. Do you have any advice?

Jim: This season should be filled with celebration and fun. But all too often Christmas becomes a source of stress that isn't fun for anyone.

I think a primary reason is expectations -- real or imagined. We allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by what "should" be included in a celebration. That's especially true for many women. Sometimes those expectations are very specific: "Christmas dinner must include these six labor-intensive dishes because that's how Grandma did it." Sometimes they're more subtle -- particularly if they're self-inflicted ("I just know everybody expects me to create better handmade decorations than Aunt June had at Thanksgiving.") And the bigger the gathering, the more perceived pressure.

I would suggest an immediate "timeout" to talk with your wife about all of this. Ask what stresses her the most. Discuss where those expectations are coming from -- and are they even real? Is it actually necessary to have three elaborately wrapped gifts for each person? Does Cousin John really need (or expect) three dessert choices ... or will he be satisfied with just pumpkin pie? Strategize together about what can be included versus what might be, and what will be plenty good enough.

Then step up to the plate. Ask your wife for very specific tasks that you (and the kids) can cover. Refill the ice trays and punch bowl; load/unload the dishwasher; take out the trash as soon as the can is full; etc. I predict you'll see her stress level ease as she recognizes she won't have to do everything herself -- or even everything she expects.

Q: Our marriage is struggling, and it's affecting our parenting. We want to give our kids a memorable Christmas, but under the circumstances, we're not sure how. What should we do?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a great question. I hope you're ready for the answer, and it's not more toys. You're experiencing what I like to refer to as "marrenting issues." These are the moments where marriage struggles can affect parenting dynamics, and parenting stress can affect marriage dynamics.

Both need careful attention so that you can provide meaningful memories for your kids not only during the Christmas season, but the entire year too. Children do much better emotionally, mentally and spiritually if their parents focus on modeling healthy ways of working through disagreements and imperfections.

Here are a couple of practical thoughts to ponder when entering this Christmas season with intentionality and love.

What's the Best Gift We Can Give? You might think that giving your kids more gifts will solve problems during the holidays. But this approach simply leads to temporary feelings -- not lasting benefits. The most satisfying gift you can give your kids is the stability of a healthy marriage. This gift provides the security and trust to create a home your children can be proud of as they grow up.

Invest in Your Family Foundation. What kind of home are you building? Even with the distractions of the Christmas season -- or marriage difficulties -- you have an incredible opportunity. Find one thing each day to do for your spouse that makes it a better day. Encourage your children to share their ideas to make Christmas more meaningful.

If you'd like to speak with a counselor, you can call us for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357). To learn more about how to manage parenting through difficult seasons, explore our resources at www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I never experienced any real traditions and good Christmas memories as a child. It was just transactional -- once the presents were opened and the wrapping picked up, Christmas was done. Now that we're starting a family, my husband and I want to change that. Do you have any thoughts that might help us develop a Christmas heritage to pass on?

Jim: I can relate; after being orphaned as a child, I started my own family empty-handed in this regard. But I believe there's plenty to build on if you'll look for it.

The main thing to keep in mind is that enjoyable traditions can run the full gamut from serious to silly. For example, I have a couple of friends here in Colorado who have been exchanging the same fruitcake back and forth for nearly 30 years. Whoever received the cake last year gives it back this time along with another goofy gift. What started as a joke has become a quirky holiday tradition that binds their friendship.

On the serious side, I would strongly recommend that you develop family traditions of reaching out to others. Volunteer at a shelter or visit shut-ins. Bake Christmas cookies together and deliver them to neighbors. Sign up as bell ringers for charitable drives. Collect friends and go caroling. I hope you'll make a habit of attending Christmas Eve church services. Highlight the real reason for the season: the baby in the manger and why he came.

And then make it a point to try something new as a family each year. Go ice skating for the first time. Find a craft class where you can make your own tree ornaments or pottery. Peruse community calendars for free holiday concerts.

It doesn't really matter what you do. I trust you'll discover, as my fruitcake-swapping friends have, that the best gifts you can give at Christmas are the memories you make together.

Q: My husband and I got married 10 months ago. Our families (in different parts of the country) semi-reluctantly agreed that this first Christmas can be "just us." But we just found out we're expecting(!). Once the baby comes, I'm sure we'll get pressure from both sides every year about where to spend the holidays. Do you have any advice going forward?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: You're not alone. A high percentage of couples quickly find that one of the most common sources of tension is where to spend Christmas: with her family or his?

Unfortunately, much of the pressure in this area comes from the extended family members themselves. Her parents might expect their girl to be home on Christmas morning. But his mom traditionally fixes a huge dinner and says she'll be hurt if he isn't there to share in it. And once grandchildren are involved ... well, things can get ugly.

To help navigate these troubled waters, keep two principles in mind: be fair and be flexible.

In terms of being fair, discuss options that work for both of your extended families. That might mean spending Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, then switching off the next year.

As for being flexible, think about the best interests of those closest to you. Perhaps spending half of your holiday break in airports isn't what your budget -- or your kids -- will handle well. Be realistic each year. If it's just not a good idea for you to travel, don't be afraid to honestly convey that to your extended family.

The bottom line is that just like any other area of marriage, the best tool for deciding where to spend the holidays is healthy communication between you and your spouse.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I’m dreading Christmas this year. The whole extended family will be in the same place together, and there’s a lot of unresolved conflict simmering just beneath the surface (some of it involving my household with others). Do you have any advice for navigating a tense and awkward situation?

Jim: One beautiful thing about family is the deep connection tying members together through thick and thin. But as most of us have experienced, those ties can also have a dark side when conflict is involved. Even petty arguments can drag out for years -- and it can be especially difficult to bring resolution if neither party is willing to take a step toward peace.

So, the most pivotal step is also the most challenging. And that’s for you to take the initiative to try to rebuild a bridge -- before everyone is together. Even if you feel another family member is at fault, make the first move and show some grace and love. Take an honest look at the situation, and yourself, and acknowledge if you’ve contributed to the tension, even inadvertently. Try sending a card or email with something simple like, “I miss our friendship -- let’s start over,” or “I’m sorry we’ve had tension in our relationship. What can I do to help resolve it?”

Even if the other person involved doesn’t respond, you’ll know you did your part to establish peace and goodwill this holiday season. And then when everyone is together, prioritize what’s commonly known as the Golden Rule: Simply treat others the way you yourself want to be treated. As you model that approach to your entire family, you might be surprised at the results.

If you’d like to talk to one of our staff counselors about your situation, call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My kids hear so many conflicting messages during the Christmas season. How do I help them catch the generosity message when there’s so much selfishness apparent this time of year?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: What a great gift for your kids! Generosity can provide amazing benefits to them as they continue to grow up and learn to love others genuinely. It’s not easy to go against human nature and the cultural norms of selfishness. It takes consistency and patience as you teach your children this important trait.

Here are some ideas to help you consider how you can promote generosity during this time of the year:

Start Family Traditions. Create serving days instead of shopping days where your entire family picks where they can serve for a day. Or consider making a “joy jar” where your kids write down their favorite ideas for generosity; draw out one idea each week (or each month through the year) to do together.

Cultivate a Spirit of Generosity. Discuss different ways you can be generous.

-- Time -- Give of your time to another person.

-- Toys or things -- Give old or new toys to someone else for them to enjoy.

-- Words -- Provide genuine compliments or words of encouragement.

-- Acts of service -- Serve others without expecting anything in return.

Give More Than You Take. It’s essential for our kids to learn to be contributors rather than consumers in this world. Contributors learn to naturally serve out of love for others. Consumers act only to get things from others. Have your children come up with creative ways your family can create a culture filled with contributors.

To learn more about teaching your kids generosity, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com. While there, you can explore the 7 Traits of Effective Parenting to make generosity part of your home.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.