Focus on the Family

Q: What's your take on New Year's resolutions? Every year I make a list -- then struggle and usually give up within a few weeks. I'm already juggling so many things in life; is it even worth trying to add more?

Jim: On one hand, I believe there's a lot to be said for strategically setting a few reasonable goals and making the effort to attain them. I'd advise making them measurable ("exercise for 30 minutes three times a week" or "read one book a month") and then enlisting other people to encourage you and help you stay on track.

That said, I'd also suggest making some "non-resolutions" for the year. Non-resolutions aren't about what we decide to add to our lives. They're about all the things we decide to leave behind.

For example, a non-resolution could be resolving to not dwell on the negative events of the past year. Instead, forgive people who have hurt you and choose to move forward with a better outlook for what this coming year can hold.

Or try resolving to limit your use of technology. Make the decision that this year you're going to cut back on phone and text messages to emphasize face-to-face communication and one-on-one time with your family.

Another idea: Don't let mistakes you've made over the past 12 months determine how the next 12 months will go. Handle whatever consequences you may be facing, but don't wallow in regret -- learn from your mistakes and get on with your life.

In short, living well is just as much about what we choose to leave behind as it is what we choose to add. I'm reminded of the quote that says, "Our strength doesn't come from desperately hanging on, but from gracefully letting go." So, as you think about resolutions for this year, consider including a few non-resolutions as well.

Q: My wife and I realized this past year that after many years of marriage, we're just ... bored. We still love each other and are committed to the relationship. We want to make positive changes this coming year, but we feel stuck. Is this just the way marriage goes for everyone?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Let me share an analogy. Think back over the past few weeks -- say, since Thanksgiving -- and consider all the great food you have probably enjoyed. That freshly roasted turkey just out of the oven with stuffing, gravy and pumpkin pie. Or those delicious cookies that melted in your mouth. Pretty nice, huh?

But after a few days, and the fifth straight meal of leftover turkey chased down with almost-stale cookies ... maybe not so much. There's still plenty of food left, but you're losing interest and tired of the same thing. The containers of excess food get pushed to the back of the fridge.

Marriage can be a lot like that. As newlyweds you probably spent most of your free time together. But like most of us, as life settled into a routine, you started settling for leftovers. The passion and excitement were replaced by the mundane. From there, the relationship got pushed further and further into the background of life.

The answer is to take action in your marriage. Make it the main dish in life's banquet, using fresh ingredients. In other words, resolve this year to make your relationship THE priority. Date your wife. Do things outside your normal, everyday routine to revive the freshness your relationship once had. New hobbies, service projects, getaway weekends, education -- do things together. I might humbly suggest my book Take the Date Night Challenge, or you can find plenty of ideas to help your marriage thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: Another year, another Christmas when the whole extended family comes to our house. And every year my wife's stress level skyrockets as the holiday gets closer. I don't even know what to say or do to help her. Do you have any advice?

Jim: This season should be filled with celebration and fun. But all too often Christmas becomes a source of stress that isn't fun for anyone.

I think a primary reason is expectations -- real or imagined. We allow ourselves to be overwhelmed by what "should" be included in a celebration. That's especially true for many women. Sometimes those expectations are very specific: "Christmas dinner must include these six labor-intensive dishes because that's how Grandma did it." Sometimes they're more subtle -- particularly if they're self-inflicted ("I just know everybody expects me to create better handmade decorations than Aunt June had at Thanksgiving.") And the bigger the gathering, the more perceived pressure.

I would suggest an immediate "timeout" to talk with your wife about all of this. Ask what stresses her the most. Discuss where those expectations are coming from -- and are they even real? Is it actually necessary to have three elaborately wrapped gifts for each person? Does Cousin John really need (or expect) three dessert choices ... or will he be satisfied with just pumpkin pie? Strategize together about what can be included versus what might be, and what will be plenty good enough.

Then step up to the plate. Ask your wife for very specific tasks that you (and the kids) can cover. Refill the ice trays and punch bowl; load/unload the dishwasher; take out the trash as soon as the can is full; etc. I predict you'll see her stress level ease as she recognizes she won't have to do everything herself -- or even everything she expects.

Q: Our marriage is struggling, and it's affecting our parenting. We want to give our kids a memorable Christmas, but under the circumstances, we're not sure how. What should we do?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a great question. I hope you're ready for the answer, and it's not more toys. You're experiencing what I like to refer to as "marrenting issues." These are the moments where marriage struggles can affect parenting dynamics, and parenting stress can affect marriage dynamics.

Both need careful attention so that you can provide meaningful memories for your kids not only during the Christmas season, but the entire year too. Children do much better emotionally, mentally and spiritually if their parents focus on modeling healthy ways of working through disagreements and imperfections.

Here are a couple of practical thoughts to ponder when entering this Christmas season with intentionality and love.

What's the Best Gift We Can Give? You might think that giving your kids more gifts will solve problems during the holidays. But this approach simply leads to temporary feelings -- not lasting benefits. The most satisfying gift you can give your kids is the stability of a healthy marriage. This gift provides the security and trust to create a home your children can be proud of as they grow up.

Invest in Your Family Foundation. What kind of home are you building? Even with the distractions of the Christmas season -- or marriage difficulties -- you have an incredible opportunity. Find one thing each day to do for your spouse that makes it a better day. Encourage your children to share their ideas to make Christmas more meaningful.

If you'd like to speak with a counselor, you can call us for a free consultation at 855-771-HELP (4357). To learn more about how to manage parenting through difficult seasons, explore our resources at www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

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Q: I never experienced any real traditions and good Christmas memories as a child. It was just transactional -- once the presents were opened and the wrapping picked up, Christmas was done. Now that we're starting a family, my husband and I want to change that. Do you have any thoughts that might help us develop a Christmas heritage to pass on?

Jim: I can relate; after being orphaned as a child, I started my own family empty-handed in this regard. But I believe there's plenty to build on if you'll look for it.

The main thing to keep in mind is that enjoyable traditions can run the full gamut from serious to silly. For example, I have a couple of friends here in Colorado who have been exchanging the same fruitcake back and forth for nearly 30 years. Whoever received the cake last year gives it back this time along with another goofy gift. What started as a joke has become a quirky holiday tradition that binds their friendship.

On the serious side, I would strongly recommend that you develop family traditions of reaching out to others. Volunteer at a shelter or visit shut-ins. Bake Christmas cookies together and deliver them to neighbors. Sign up as bell ringers for charitable drives. Collect friends and go caroling. I hope you'll make a habit of attending Christmas Eve church services. Highlight the real reason for the season: the baby in the manger and why he came.

And then make it a point to try something new as a family each year. Go ice skating for the first time. Find a craft class where you can make your own tree ornaments or pottery. Peruse community calendars for free holiday concerts.

It doesn't really matter what you do. I trust you'll discover, as my fruitcake-swapping friends have, that the best gifts you can give at Christmas are the memories you make together.

Q: My husband and I got married 10 months ago. Our families (in different parts of the country) semi-reluctantly agreed that this first Christmas can be "just us." But we just found out we're expecting(!). Once the baby comes, I'm sure we'll get pressure from both sides every year about where to spend the holidays. Do you have any advice going forward?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: You're not alone. A high percentage of couples quickly find that one of the most common sources of tension is where to spend Christmas: with her family or his?

Unfortunately, much of the pressure in this area comes from the extended family members themselves. Her parents might expect their girl to be home on Christmas morning. But his mom traditionally fixes a huge dinner and says she'll be hurt if he isn't there to share in it. And once grandchildren are involved ... well, things can get ugly.

To help navigate these troubled waters, keep two principles in mind: be fair and be flexible.

In terms of being fair, discuss options that work for both of your extended families. That might mean spending Thanksgiving with one family and Christmas with the other, then switching off the next year.

As for being flexible, think about the best interests of those closest to you. Perhaps spending half of your holiday break in airports isn't what your budget -- or your kids -- will handle well. Be realistic each year. If it's just not a good idea for you to travel, don't be afraid to honestly convey that to your extended family.

The bottom line is that just like any other area of marriage, the best tool for deciding where to spend the holidays is healthy communication between you and your spouse.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at www.jimdalyblog.com or at www.facebook.com/DalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.