Focus on the Family

Q: My adult daughter is 35 years old; I haven't spoken with her since she was 17. I definitely wasn't the best father, but I've made positive changes in recent years. I long for our relationship to be restored. Should I reach out to her, or wait for her to hopefully show some interest in me?

Jim: I'm sure there have been many things over the years that led to this difficult situation, and my heart goes out to both of you. It's encouraging to hear that for your part, you've been able to make some positive improvements.

No matter how young or old we are, most of us naturally think of Dad and Mom as the "grownup" in the relationship. So unless there's some kind of significant extenuating circumstance, I suggest you take the lead. Initiate contact to reach out to your daughter. Show your interest in her. A little humility will go a long way.

Just as important, be patient and willing to persevere. Don't give up on inviting your daughter into your life at the first sign of adversity. Certainly, respect the fact that your history together may have left some sore spots. Grant her space for doubt or for old wounds that haven't been resolved yet.

Meanwhile, take heart. Daughter or son, 60 or 16 -- deep inside, every child longs to reconcile with their father or mother. Some children are always open and ready, while others may harbor anger or still distrust you in some way. Even those motivated to reconnect may need time for their hearts to soften. Just keep your heart open and keep taking the lead.

If you'd like to discuss this matter further, our staff counselors would be happy to help. I invite you to call them at 855-771-HELP (4357). And I wish you both the best.

Q: I'm battling feelings of attraction toward my husband's best friend. Neither man has any clue of my struggle, and I don't want to jeopardize their relationship. I've heard that such things should be shared between spouses for purposes of accountability, but I'm not sure that'd be wise. Should I tell my husband?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Accountability is certainly important, but it's something else to burden your spouse with every questionable thought and wayward impulse that passes through your mind. We all have to deal with our share of "internal garbage." That doesn't mean that we should dump it on the people around us.

Telling your spouse the truth isn't the same thing as revealing every feeling you've ever had. Now, of course couples should be frank and open with each other. But some people provide TMI (Too Much Information) about past and present actions and thoughts. Timing and level of detail are always crucial considerations. Silence isn't necessarily dishonest -- in fact, sometimes the loving thing to do is to keep your mouth shut.

This is especially true in a case like yours. If your inappropriate emotions ever do find expression in inappropriate words or actions -- and I hope and pray this NEVER happens -- that will be the time for accountability, remorse and confession. Until then, you're better off keeping this matter between yourself and God.

That last thought -- the spiritual component -- is absolutely critical. Rather than dumping on your husband and jeopardizing your marriage, confess your illicit feelings to God and seek His help to remain faithful to your marriage vows. Meanwhile, say and do only what you believe will be in the best interests of your marriage. In short: Focus on the relationship you have.

If you'd like to talk to our staff counselors about this, please call the number given above.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I get so discouraged with constant streams of "news" highlighting how people fight about politics, moral beliefs, race, religion, etc. Honestly, I despair that there can ever be peace in our society. What are your thoughts?

Jim: No doubt about it, our culture is deeply divided on many fronts. But I think much of the conflict is driven by an idea that's fundamentally untrue: the perception that disagreeing with someone means you disrespect them as a person -- or even hate them. That shouldn't be the case.

Sure, beliefs can be polarizing. But differing perspectives don't automatically lead us to jettison our sense of dignity for one another. We can still passionately articulate what we believe, but do it with civility and respect.

The key is grasping and applying a fundamental principle that universally applies to everyone: a person's value is ingrained in qualities beyond what we see at first glance. That's why my Christian faith emphasizes the profound worth of every human being. People don't deserve dignity because they're the right height, shape, color, political persuasion, or any other label. All human beings have immeasurable value because we each bear the image of our Creator.

I firmly believe that conversations about societal issues must start -- and continue -- in that context. And it works. I'm privileged to count people as friends who actively fight for ideas that directly oppose my own deeply held values. We disagree over most social and political issues. But we've still been able to develop genuine friendships based on mutual respect, despite radically differing opinions. None of us believe our opposing views have to turn into animosity or hatred toward one another. That civility allows us to find common ground.

So, I believe the "secret ingredient" is pretty straightforward: respecting our neighbors as we want them to respect us. That perspective builds bridges, not walls.

Q: What can I do to stop my young child's temper tantrums?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Tantrums can be exhausting, but very informative. It is not uncommon for young kids to struggle with managing their overwhelming feelings of anger, frustration and disappointment. But there is always something behind the thoughts and emotions.

Here are a few steps you can take to support your child's emotional control.

1. What's the Root?

At younger ages, it's important to help your child give names to their emotions that kick self-control out of their brain. The roots of their behavior likely involve several feelings they don't know how to verbalize or describe. You can use an Emotions Chart or Feelings Wheel to give names to your child's feelings and more clearly communicate what they're experiencing.

2. Redirect their Thought Bubbles.

You can try to give the child a random fact to get their thinking brain reengaged (e.g., did you know a male hippo weighs more than 3,000 pounds or sharks have about 3,000 teeth?). The child's emotional brain takes over when they are entering a tantrum and it gets locked in -- basically stuck. Dislodge it with an unrelated fact to help the child start thinking again. Some kids also benefit from a timeout, closing their eyes, or doing a relaxing activity like coloring or something active.

3. Provide Redo Opportunities

Your child's brain is still developing as they learn. Give them opportunities to communicate and pursue what they want differently. Teach them healthy and more effective ways to ask for something or to express the emotions they feel. The earlier they know how to handle a disappointment, hunger, or just "no," the better they will function down the road.

For more information about how to resolve temper tantrums, utilize emotions charts, and handle other parenting issues, go to www.FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My husband and I did our best to raise our son into a mature adult. But now that he's finished college and out on his own, he's making very poor choices. We're discouraged, and struggle wondering where we went wrong. Do you have any insights?

Jim: Watching an adult child lose their way is extremely difficult. In one sense, you'll always be the parent and he will always be the child you raised. But at the same time, as our kids enter adulthood, the relationship has to transition to a balance between independent people who make their own decisions.

Where do you start? I'd suggest the first step is to avoid submerging yourself in guilt. Did you make mistakes? Sure you did -- every parent does. But your son is old enough to make his own choices and to accept responsibility for them. So give yourself a break.

Second, it's easy to lose sight of the fact that the burden of getting life back on track needs to be your son's, not yours. You can encourage him to make better choices, but again -- it's his life now. So point him in the right direction if you can and give him advice if he asks for it. But let him be his own person.

Now comes the hard part: You have to let your son suffer the consequences of his choices. If you rescue him from his problems, he might never see a reason to make the necessary changes. So don't be too quick to save him from self-inflicted pain.

In situations like this it can be very helpful to discuss your specific concerns with a qualified professional therapist. If you'd like some extra guidance from our staff counselors, I invite you to call 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: My husband and I recently moved to a new city. As we make new friends, we wonder how much of our personal story to share. We experienced significant marital issues and eventually divorced, but later reconciled and have remarried. Our old friends knew everything; is there any reason to open up with new acquaintances?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I can understand the reluctance. Nobody likes a scar, which is why most people keep them hidden if they can. But with the right mindset, a scar can actually be a symbol of healing and strength for others.

Let me give you an example. During the Vietnam War, Dave Roever was confident that he would return from his tour without a scratch. But during a firefight, a phosphorous grenade exploded in Dave's hand, horribly burning most of his face and body. His scars were so extensive he'd never be able to hide them.

So, Dave chose to use his wounds to bring healing to others. As a well-known and popular speaker he has encouraged thousands of people to reveal their emotional scars. As he says, "Scars are evidence of pain, but they're also evidence you survived."

That same truth holds for the scars your marriage has suffered as well. Obviously, I don't know what tore your home apart. Whatever the cause, the result is usually the same. People hide their scars to avoid feelings of shame or humiliation.

But a scar can become a symbol of hope to others facing similar problems. Remember, a scar indicates healing has taken place. It means there was an open wound -- but you fought through and mended what was broken in your relationship. I applaud you for that. And others need to hear about it.

So, when it comes to your marriage, don't hide your scars. Let the world around you see them as a source of strength and hope.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.