Focus on the Family

Q: My marriage fell apart this past year. It's been a bitter divorce and very painful for my two children. They're angry. All three of us are dreading the possibility that their dad might ask at the last minute that they spend part of their Christmas break with him. What can I do?

Jim: I grew up in a broken home myself before being orphaned. So, I can attest that divorce doesn't just tear couples apart. It can drive a wedge between parents and children as well. And there's often plenty of anger to go around, which impacts all concerned.

Let me share a few ideas from our counselors. First, give your children space and encouragement to express their hurt. Don't try to correct them -- just provide a listening ear. If they're not comfortable speaking to you, help them find other outlets for their emotions, like art, journaling or music.

The second idea could be the most important: Try to model genuine forgiveness toward your ex-spouse. I know -- easier said than done. But if you're communicating anger, your behavior could be reinforcing every negative thought in your children's minds. So, try to articulate a tone about the absent parent that will smooth the waters between your kids and ex-spouse -- especially if they have to see him at Christmas -- instead of stirring things up even more. If you must voice negative feelings about the divorce, express them to someone else, not the children -- for their sake.

Finally, it might be advisable to find a third party -- preferably a qualified therapist or pastor -- who can help your kids work through their feelings. Our staff counselors can offer specific insight in this area; call them at 855-771-HELP (855-771-4357) for a free consultation. Or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com to find a vetted therapist in your area.

Q: My children are addicted to screens. We've tried "tech resets" that always deteriorate into fits and the kids fighting with each other. How can I bring peace to our home and get my kids to do other things besides staring at screens?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common and frustrating issue. Modern tech is designed to bring us back repeatedly for more; Dr. Peter Whybrow, Director of Neuroscience at UCLA, describes video games and screens as "electronic cocaine." In that light, you can see why kids will show withdrawal behaviors similar to a person coming off drugs.

I recommend four quick (but admittedly challenging) steps to help your kids break free from the grip of screens and bring peace back into your home:

-- Go cold turkey for a couple of weeks. Kids may throw tantrums and act like dysregulated drug addicts for a few days, but power through it. It might take a week or two to get past that very difficult "freaking out" stage -- but well worth it.

-- Establish clear and consistent boundaries. With no set limits, kids will likely keep pushing until you give up again out of exhaustion. Utilize parental control settings to regulate screen time.

-- Have screen-free times in your household -- like riding in the car, eating meals together, spending time with friends, a set cutoff before bedtime or even one full evening a week.

-- Find alternatives. Have the kids help develop a menu of possible activities to do instead of using screens. Celebrate successful milestones together as a family.

When it comes to screens, developing a home that is relational and balanced takes planning and work ... and you won't always get it perfect. Have patience and grace as you work toward freedom. Remember, your goal is not your kids' happiness -- it's their healthy growth and development.

For helpful content specific to your children's life stage, visit MyKidsAge.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: We usually travel to see relatives at Christmas, but this year we'll be staying home as "just" our immediate household. Do you have any suggestions for making the season especially meaningful?

Jim: I have a couple of ideas. First, I strongly encourage you to slow down. A common complaint about this time of year is that it's too hectic. Parties, events, decorating, shopping -- everything can add up and pack your calendar before you even realize it.

So, I suggest you block out time for quiet reflection on the meaning of the season, as a family. Reserve space for conversation, recollection, and prayer. Turn off the screens and concentrate on each other.

Second, consider who you might invite to join you for Christmas day. Studies show this is the most likely time of year for people to suffer depression, as the joy and glitter highlight the depths of their own loss and pain. It could be the passing of a loved one, or maybe unresolved conflict that has fractured a family. All manner of issues can contribute to the feelings of loneliness and isolation.

I understand this personally. Christmas of my sophomore year of college was a desperate time for me. As an orphan, I had no home to go to for the holiday. So, while my friends were enjoying family feasts, I sat alone in an empty dorm with no heat, eating food from vending machines. I longed for someone -- anyone -- to reach out to me.

There are probably hurting people around you this Christmas season. Reach out to them. Let them know you care and help them feel connected. One simple gesture may be just the ray of hope they need during a lonely and difficult time. And you might make a new family friend in the process.

Q: What do I need to know as a parent about new AI apps like ChatGPT?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: Artificial intelligence is one of the hottest tech trends influencing our world -- and our kids -- today. And it likely will be even bigger moving forward. Just as the internet, smartphones and social media reshaped our society, programs such as ChatGPT already seem poised to be the next quantum leap technologically speaking.

For those unfamiliar with ChatGPT, this interface is one of many programs known as generative AI. They go beyond "old school" search engines such as Google. Instead of just finding information and giving you links to the relevant pages and documents, ChatGPT synthesizes that information for users in a conversational way. For example, you can tell it to give you a 600-word essay summarizing the pros and cons of wind energy -- and it will, usually within minutes.

You might be thinking: "Hmmm, if I was a student today I could see this being very useful." Forget old-school CliffsNotes. This is more like just having ol' Cliff himself typing right next you. Indeed, an app that essentially not only gathers information but formats it conversationally is technology that might make learning certain skills -- such as writing and critical thinking -- seem like a waste of time. (Spoiler alert: We actually need those skills more than ever.)

Our challenge as parents is twofold: to recognize that this technology will make many processes more efficient, but also to equip our kids with the character they need to navigate this changing world ethically and wisely. The temptation to take an AI shortcut is very real for many kids (and, maybe, parents too). Paradoxically, cultivating "old fashioned" virtues such as honesty, integrity, responsibility and a strong work ethic has never been more critical -- even as we help our children learn how to use this revolutionary technology appropriately.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: Our son is in the military. The past few years he's been stationed close to us, so we've enjoyed seeing our grandchildren fairly often. But now their family is being rotated overseas for several years. How can we remain connected and engaged with our grandkids?

Jim: Families often used to reside in the same community for generations, but not so much anymore. And of course, situations like the one you described have always been tough. Here are a few ideas for staying connected:

First, make the most of technology. Over the past few years most of us have had at least some experience with video calls and conferences over the Internet. This gives you and your grandkids a good way to bridge the miles and "see" each other. Ask questions about their friends, hobbies, sports and school activities. Let them give you a virtual tour of their new home and surroundings. Take notes each time and request updates the next time you call. Utilize social media, emails and text messages to stay up-to-date on your son's family (and keep them informed about your activities).

Second, send the occasional surprise "love package." It doesn't have to be expensive. Try coloring books, holiday candy, puzzles and so on. And definitely include hand-written notes and cards. This is a great way to say, "I miss you and love you."

Third, consider giving each grandchild a gift subscription to an age-appropriate magazine -- and doubling up a copy for yourself. When each issue arrives, you can go through it by video or phone call, read articles together, etc. Younger kids may enjoy doing hands-on puzzles and activities "with" you as you chat. (See FocusOnTheFamily.com for various publications.)

Grandparenting across the miles takes a little effort, but it's certainly worth it. And you'll all be the richer for it.

Q: My husband and I have had significant marital problems, and we're currently separated. Under the circumstances, do you think we should spend Christmas morning together (at his invitation) with the kids at his parents' house? I'd love for both of us to watch our girls open their presents, but I'm afraid this might send them mixed messages about the difficulties we're all experiencing.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is certainly a tough situation. I would say that much depends on your specific circumstances and your goals with respect to the future of your marriage.

For example: Are you and your husband actively working on your relationship during this separation? Are you each getting counseling help and taking steps to resolve your differences? Do you both want to put the marriage back together? If so, I'd suggest it's probably a good idea to maintain some holiday traditions and keep the celebration of Christmas as normal as possible. Rather than sending mixed messages to your children, this will demonstrate solidarity and unity, show the kids that you're working together to navigate troubled waters and give them hope that the family is going to remain intact.

On the other hand, if you see little hope for reconciliation at this point, I'd advise you to think twice about accepting your husband's invitation. Under those circumstances, there's a significant chance that the celebration could come across as fake -- a phony attempt to assume an appearance of normality but ignore the very real concerns affecting everyone. This could be very confusing for the kids and ultimately make things worse.

Whatever the situation, Focus on the Family has a staff of counselors who would be happy to help you sort through these considerations. I'd strongly encourage you to give our team a call at 855-771-4357 for a free consultation. And I wish you the best.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.