Q: The other day, my seven-year-old son came home crying after watching a kids' movie at a friend's house. He was upset because one of the film's characters was mistreated by other children throughout the movie. Even though it was all fiction, my son was troubled for the rest of the day. Should I be concerned about this level and display of emotion?

Jim: Perhaps my own experience can be of some value here. I was only nine when my mom died, but I still vividly remember what people told me over and over the day of her funeral. They said, "Be a big boy, and don't cry." Now, I'm sure they meant well, but comments like that send a skewed message to young boys. It falsely conveys that real men don't show emotion ... that a man is all strength but no heart.

In my case, I wanted to be strong for my mom. According to the adult voices around me, that meant I wasn't allowed to shed a tear. So, I went through the whole funeral struggling to suppress my emotions. I remember looking into my mom's casket and thinking, "I gotta' stay strong and be a man."

That's not just a heavy burden for a young child to bear, it communicates the wrong idea about what real manhood looks and acts like. Sure, strength is a crucial aspect of masculinity. Courage, integrity and character are what makes a man a good husband and father.

But being a strong man doesn't mean guys should be robots. Our wives and children need us to be able to feel. That means not only expressing our emotions freely and appropriately, but being sensitive to theirs as well.

Authentic masculinity isn't a choice between strength or tenderness. It's about strength AND tenderness. I encourage you to help your son cultivate both characteristics.

Q: My husband and I are newlyweds. We're starting to discover (the hard way) that we deal with life stresses differently, and we're already struggling to understand each other. We didn't expect this -- what can we do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Welcome to married life -- and a reality check! Stress often causes us to function in an out-of-balance mode where we end up operating in the extremes of our personalities.

Studies have long shown that men and women deal with stress differently. As a man's stress level increases, his body produces more oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively, or withdraw ("go into their cave").

Women also produce more oxytocin, but since it's coupled with estrogen, there's a different result. Under stress, women tend to lean into relationships -- either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the "tend-and-befriend" response.

These varying chemical reactions set men and women up to generally respond very differently during times of stress. And that's a recipe for tension in marriage. Women want to connect, while men may feel more ready to either pick a fight or withdraw. Understanding that contrast can go a long way toward helping you find common ground.

I should clarify that gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. This scenario may look somewhat different in your marriage, but researchers have found it to occur in many relationships.

The way you respond to your spouse when they're under stress has a direct impact on their behavior toward you -- and, of course, vice versa. As we continue to understand how our mates are different, it allows us to love them more fully.

For insights on connecting and thriving as a couple, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I recently heard a speaker say that we should set goals for our relationships. I understand setting specific objectives for finances, career or health. But I'm not really tracking with how this could improve my marriage. What are your thoughts?

Jim: As my two now-adult sons were growing up, my wife, Jean, and I would often talk to them about their goals. They'd typically mention things like grades or what they hoped to achieve in extracurricular activities. Those ideas were great, but we also tried to encourage the boys to think outside the box. Like, how could they develop their character as well?

Those conversations eventually prompted Jean and me to start setting goals for our marriage, as well. We generally discuss our relationship in terms of a theme for a given period. It could be "grace" or "forgiveness" -- or that challenging favorite, "patience." Then we try to weave that theme into every part of our marriage. So, we'll not only try to be more patient with each other, we make it part of our conversations with one another for that season of life. And we talk regularly about how we see each other improving in that area. We cheer each other on. And that brings us even closer together.

Of course, a thriving relationship needs something a little more inspiring than "staying together." So, find ways to keep your interest in each other alive. Read books or watch movies you can discuss afterward. Set concrete goals like saving for that dream vacation. Even better, intentionally build character into your marriage. Be more patient, more considerate or more forgiving with one another. And share positive feedback as you each see the other grow.

Your marriage doesn't have to be a monotonous string of mundane days. Set some basic goals and work them into your relationship. For more tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I tend to tolerate a lot and then end up yelling at my kids. I know that's not the best parenting strategy, so how can I change this pattern?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common scenario. Most of the time, just "tolerating" seems easier and takes less energy. However, it's simply avoidance -- and it delays the fact that you'll need to intervene at some point.

Parents fall into this approach for various reasons: they don't know what to do; they feel too tired, helpless or busy to deal with misbehavior; or they tend to avoid conflict. Children need clear, consistent and timely boundaries and direction. The saying "you get what you tolerate" is absolutely true.

Here's a quick list of actions to help change your approach:

-- Explore why you choose to tolerate. Would you tell a friend to do the same with their kids? Sometimes we're too close to the action to recognize our own weak spots.

-- Look at your kids' behaviors as opportunities to provide guidance. Be curious and engaged. This takes energy, time and patience -- but it pays off.

-- Prioritize healthy conflict in your home. Healthy conflict may mean your kids are temporarily upset; that's OK. You're not their parent to make them happy. You get to guide, teach and love your child toward healthy relationships, which involves healthy conflict.

-- Get good rest and take care of yourself, so you can show up with patience, self-control and love for your children. Parenting on empty rarely goes well. You need to fill up your tank so you have margin for those moments when you especially need it.

This is just an initial list of steps toward a very important and needed momentum shift in your relationship with your kids. For more, see FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: We have two teenagers (son and daughter). They seem to have difficulty finishing things, like school projects or chores at home. They both say they get overwhelmed. Do you have any advice?

Jim: I like a famous quote that's often attributed to Mark Twain: "The secret to getting ahead is getting started. The secret to getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and then starting on the first one."

Let me share a story that illustrates how to achieve what may seem like an impossible goal, by breaking it down into smaller steps. In 1848, work began on a suspension bridge near Niagara Falls, connecting the United States and Canada. It was a daunting engineering challenge for the time. The initial difficulty was getting the bridge's first cables across the 800-foot river gorge; the Niagara River was too swift and dangerous to pull lines across by boat.

Engineers came up with a clever solution. A 16-year-old teen named Homan Walsh flew a kite from the Canadian shore until it landed on the American side. With this accomplished, the thin kite line was used to pull a slightly thicker rope across the river. Then that rope pulled an even stronger one across. Repeating this method, the engineers were soon able to pull the first steel cable from shore to shore, and the bridge's construction was underway. Oh, and Homan Walsh won a $10 prize -- which would be worth nearly $4,000 in today's economy -- for his kite-piloting skills.

No matter our age, it's common to become overwhelmed -- whether we're facing a significant challenge or a mundane chore. But by remembering to "fly a kite," we can all learn to break these things into more manageable pieces -- and accomplish what we need to do.

Q: My husband and I have been married 15 years. I know he isn't a mind-reader, but after so many years I think he at least should be aware when I have a need. Having to tell him that I want to spend time together or need affection just kills the romance. I'm frustrated!

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: This is actually a source of tension for many couples. Deep inside we all know our spouses can't read our minds, but we often act like we expect them to.

This even hits close to home for me. It's affirming when Erin, my wife, picks up on my body language and comes alongside me in the way I'd hoped. But that won't sustain our relationship long-term.

Marriage takes work. Successful couples strive to learn one another's needs and cues. But they also recognize that relationships are dynamic -- and each of them, wife and husband, is constantly changing. At any given moment, that means your spouse may not be aware of what you're feeling. And if he does sense you have a need, he may not know exactly how to respond. Realistically, expecting your mate to read your mind sets up them (and your relationship) for failure.

So, tell your spouse when you need a hug, attention or a listening ear. No one is in a better position to understand -- and communicate -- your needs than you.

Bonus "pro tip": one of the most enlightening things any of us can do is to occasionally reverse the roles, so to speak. In my case, that's asking myself: "How would I feel if Erin expected of me what I'm expecting of her right now?"

If this continues to be a source of tension in your marriage, I invite you to call our staff counselors at 855-771-HELP (4357) or visit FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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