Q: I have a co-worker who doesn't carry her share of the load. She's constantly on the phone, scrolling social media or talking with friends, and passing work off on other people. It's frustrating! But I'm afraid if I "tell on her" it would only make me look bad. What should I do?

Jim: I think most of us have experienced something like this at some point. Too many people try to avoid conflict. But ignoring the problem only leads to an explosion of emotions down the road. And even if you're justified, losing your temper is never in your best interest.

I'd suggest that you start by dealing with yourself and identifying your feelings. You may feel disrespected, powerless, or exploited -- and it's important to acknowledge this. Only then will you be ready to effectively address the problem.

Next, and as difficult as it might be, you need to go directly -- and privately -- to your co-worker, and share your concerns and observations. Don't do this in anger, but with a humble spirit and an empathetic heart that seeks to understand. You may possibly be surprised to discover some personal issues, such as a family crisis, that could partially account for some of the poor or distracted behaviors.

Best case, you'll receive a reasonable explanation and a commitment to change. But if you're confronted with defiance or indifference, you'll next want to involve your supervisor. Rather than go on your own, schedule a time with both your boss and the coworker. Don't look to accuse or assign blame. Your goal should be to objectively share your observations and ask for clarity on how the workload is supposed to be divvied up. This should put your coworker on notice that you're no longer willing to enable her problematic behavior.

Q: I recently heard someone reference "sadfishing." What is it, and what should I know as a parent?

Adam Holz, Director, Plugged In: Sadfishing might sound like a bad day on the lake. But it's actually a term that describes people oversharing emotional struggles online.

The term sadfishing dates back to 2019. Journalist Rebecca Reid coined it to describe someone who dramatically poured out her emotions to attract sympathy. In this case, it was Kendall Jenner complaining about her "debilitating struggle" with acne (which was ultimately revealed to be a manipulative marketing ploy for skin-care products).

Since then, sadfishing has taken on a broader meaning. As it applies to adolescents on social media, sadfishing encompasses a pattern of posting dramatic, emotional posts online for the sake of attention or validation. And the pattern part is important.

Many people share emotion-laden posts. Sadfishing is when such posts become habitual. Experts suggest that a pattern like this is both a cry for attention and a warning sign that a child doesn't have anyone to help them process their emotions.

In extreme cases, sadfishing may hint at a signal to self-harm. Phrases like "I'm at my breaking point," "No one ever really understands," "I just feel so alone" or "I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to be around" can signal anxiety, depression, and even suicidal ideation.

If we notice our kids are regularly posting attention-seeking content, how should we respond? First, resist the urge to fix or to minimize. What they need instead is our presence. We might say: "It seems like you've been posting some hard stuff on your Instagram account lately -- do you want to talk about it?" They may decline an initial invitation. But telling them that the door is open for conversation can combat that sense of isolation that they feel.

Because what our kids are really fishing for is love. Acceptance. A listening ear. Us.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: The other day, my seven-year-old son came home crying after watching a kids' movie at a friend's house. He was upset because one of the film's characters was mistreated by other children throughout the movie. Even though it was all fiction, my son was troubled for the rest of the day. Should I be concerned about this level and display of emotion?

Jim: Perhaps my own experience can be of some value here. I was only nine when my mom died, but I still vividly remember what people told me over and over the day of her funeral. They said, "Be a big boy, and don't cry." Now, I'm sure they meant well, but comments like that send a skewed message to young boys. It falsely conveys that real men don't show emotion ... that a man is all strength but no heart.

In my case, I wanted to be strong for my mom. According to the adult voices around me, that meant I wasn't allowed to shed a tear. So, I went through the whole funeral struggling to suppress my emotions. I remember looking into my mom's casket and thinking, "I gotta' stay strong and be a man."

That's not just a heavy burden for a young child to bear, it communicates the wrong idea about what real manhood looks and acts like. Sure, strength is a crucial aspect of masculinity. Courage, integrity and character are what makes a man a good husband and father.

But being a strong man doesn't mean guys should be robots. Our wives and children need us to be able to feel. That means not only expressing our emotions freely and appropriately, but being sensitive to theirs as well.

Authentic masculinity isn't a choice between strength or tenderness. It's about strength AND tenderness. I encourage you to help your son cultivate both characteristics.

Q: My husband and I are newlyweds. We're starting to discover (the hard way) that we deal with life stresses differently, and we're already struggling to understand each other. We didn't expect this -- what can we do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Welcome to married life -- and a reality check! Stress often causes us to function in an out-of-balance mode where we end up operating in the extremes of our personalities.

Studies have long shown that men and women deal with stress differently. As a man's stress level increases, his body produces more oxytocin hormone, which is further influenced by testosterone. These chemicals trigger a fight-or-flight response. In other words, when stressed, men either act more aggressively, or withdraw ("go into their cave").

Women also produce more oxytocin, but since it's coupled with estrogen, there's a different result. Under stress, women tend to lean into relationships -- either protectively nurturing their children or seeking out other female friends. Researchers have called this the "tend-and-befriend" response.

These varying chemical reactions set men and women up to generally respond very differently during times of stress. And that's a recipe for tension in marriage. Women want to connect, while men may feel more ready to either pick a fight or withdraw. Understanding that contrast can go a long way toward helping you find common ground.

I should clarify that gender differences can seem pretty stereotypical. This scenario may look somewhat different in your marriage, but researchers have found it to occur in many relationships.

The way you respond to your spouse when they're under stress has a direct impact on their behavior toward you -- and, of course, vice versa. As we continue to understand how our mates are different, it allows us to love them more fully.

For insights on connecting and thriving as a couple, see FocusOnTheFamily.com/marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I recently heard a speaker say that we should set goals for our relationships. I understand setting specific objectives for finances, career or health. But I'm not really tracking with how this could improve my marriage. What are your thoughts?

Jim: As my two now-adult sons were growing up, my wife, Jean, and I would often talk to them about their goals. They'd typically mention things like grades or what they hoped to achieve in extracurricular activities. Those ideas were great, but we also tried to encourage the boys to think outside the box. Like, how could they develop their character as well?

Those conversations eventually prompted Jean and me to start setting goals for our marriage, as well. We generally discuss our relationship in terms of a theme for a given period. It could be "grace" or "forgiveness" -- or that challenging favorite, "patience." Then we try to weave that theme into every part of our marriage. So, we'll not only try to be more patient with each other, we make it part of our conversations with one another for that season of life. And we talk regularly about how we see each other improving in that area. We cheer each other on. And that brings us even closer together.

Of course, a thriving relationship needs something a little more inspiring than "staying together." So, find ways to keep your interest in each other alive. Read books or watch movies you can discuss afterward. Set concrete goals like saving for that dream vacation. Even better, intentionally build character into your marriage. Be more patient, more considerate or more forgiving with one another. And share positive feedback as you each see the other grow.

Your marriage doesn't have to be a monotonous string of mundane days. Set some basic goals and work them into your relationship. For more tips, see FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I tend to tolerate a lot and then end up yelling at my kids. I know that's not the best parenting strategy, so how can I change this pattern?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: This is a common scenario. Most of the time, just "tolerating" seems easier and takes less energy. However, it's simply avoidance -- and it delays the fact that you'll need to intervene at some point.

Parents fall into this approach for various reasons: they don't know what to do; they feel too tired, helpless or busy to deal with misbehavior; or they tend to avoid conflict. Children need clear, consistent and timely boundaries and direction. The saying "you get what you tolerate" is absolutely true.

Here's a quick list of actions to help change your approach:

-- Explore why you choose to tolerate. Would you tell a friend to do the same with their kids? Sometimes we're too close to the action to recognize our own weak spots.

-- Look at your kids' behaviors as opportunities to provide guidance. Be curious and engaged. This takes energy, time and patience -- but it pays off.

-- Prioritize healthy conflict in your home. Healthy conflict may mean your kids are temporarily upset; that's OK. You're not their parent to make them happy. You get to guide, teach and love your child toward healthy relationships, which involves healthy conflict.

-- Get good rest and take care of yourself, so you can show up with patience, self-control and love for your children. Parenting on empty rarely goes well. You need to fill up your tank so you have margin for those moments when you especially need it.

This is just an initial list of steps toward a very important and needed momentum shift in your relationship with your kids. For more, see FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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