Q: My two "tweens" tell me they love school with all of the activities they're involved in and seeing their friends daily. But this school year they seem to be increasingly irritable; every morning is a battle to get them both going and out the door without setting off a tantrum. Do you have any advice?

Jim: It's worth evaluating to see if your children might be caught in what researchers call the "fatigue whirlpool." That's the downward spiral of poor sleep and poor behavior that disrupts many households.

If your kids' schedules are so jam-packed that they fall into bed each night exhausted, then barely drag themselves out of bed for school the next morning, then you've got a problem. As fatigue sets in, their attitude will start to spiral. Soon you're in the whirlpool where lack of sleep and poor behavior feed off each other.

The solution is to adjust your schedules to help your children get more sleep. Experts say that kids need nine or 10 hours of sleep to be at their best. That might not be possible every night, but when they're well-rested they'll think more clearly and feel more engaged.

One of the best tactics is a "lights out" policy. Light exposure suppresses melatonin, the hormone that helps regulate sleep. So turn off the lights -- especially the screens -- and all of those illuminated gadgets in your kids' rooms. A night light or a small lamp is OK, but the darker the room, the better. When my sons were teens our household rule was to charge electronics overnight in the kitchen.

Think about routines, think about consistency, and think about timing. Those are the keys to get out of the fatigue whirlpool.

By the way: We adults are vulnerable to the same patterns. If you find yourself acting grumpy, work on getting more sleep!

Q: I've been married 18 months. My husband has been invited to take an out-of-state trip with a male friend. Is it a good idea for married couples to take separate vacations? I've always thought that those times should be spent exclusively with each other.

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: I'd say there are two different questions you and your husband need to answer. The first is: Does your husband want to go, and if so, why would this be a bad thing for your relationship? The uncertainty you've expressed isn't uncommon, especially for newlyweds who typically feel they've found total fulfillment in each other. But this attitude is neither realistic nor healthy. Regardless of how much they have in common or enjoy one another, both spouses need interaction with others to continue growing as individuals -- and therefore growing together.

The second question a spouse considering a separate vacation should ask is: Why do I want to? There could be many good reasons. In your husband's case, it might be to develop a deeper, encouraging relationship with his friend. In others, one spouse may have a strong desire to travel somewhere that's just not appealing to the other. As family life progresses, it could be an opportunity for mom or dad to bond one-on-one with a child.

With all that said -- separate vacations should always be an "addition," not a substitute, for time as a couple. If there are tensions and difficulties in your marriage, and the desire is actually to escape from having to deal with these issues, the time away will only amplify the problems in your relationship and lead to a greater sense of loneliness. But otherwise, a long weekend away with the girls, or camping with the guys, can be a good way to rejuvenate, grow and strengthen a healthy marriage.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My cousin and his wife recently adopted a child. My husband and I had never thought about doing that, but now we're curious. I've heard you're a big proponent of adoption -- why?

Jim: Let me do a little name-dropping: Babe Ruth. Eleanor Roosevelt. Nelson Mandela. Nancy Reagan. President Gerald Ford. Dave Thomas (the founder of Wendy's). Steve Jobs. These successful people all share the distinct privilege of having been adopted as children.

I spent a year in the foster care system myself, so I know what it means to be an orphan. I also know the stability and nurturing a loving adoptive family can provide a child.

That's why I never forget that there are thousands of children across the country -- and around the world -- who need a family to bring them into their home, to love them, and to show them their worth. No doubt, adopting a child is a serious responsibility. But the rewards are priceless. And it can make all the difference in the life of a young person in need -- literally changing their entire future.

Admittedly, not every adopted child will grow up to be a head of state like Nelson Mandela or a groundbreaking entrepreneur like Steve Jobs. But we can't overstate the lifelong impact that growing up in a loving adoptive family can have on a child. Everyone needs love, a sense of worth, and the security of knowing that we belong. Without the gift of adoption, many children will grow up without those things.

For more information about helping an adopted child to thrive -- or coming alongside a family that has adopted -- visit FocusOnTheFamily.com. And if you'd like to read some inspiring stories, I highly recommend a book by my friend Paul Batura titled "Chosen for Greatness: How Adoption Changes the World."

Q: How can I help my young kids learn to manage their emotions?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: Whether in humor or in desperation, I hear this question a lot! Children begin learning self-awareness and self-control between the ages of 3 and 5. Your adaptability and intentionality help children navigate the colorful and challenging world of emotions from an early age. Here are six things you can teach your kids to do:

1. Notice Emotions. Have your kids stop to take inventory of their feelings -- positive, negative, good or bad. Then, have them try to explain what they feel at that moment.

2. Name Emotions. Use tools like an emotions wheel for accuracy. Labeling emotions correctly results in being clearly understood and known.

3. Explore "Thought Bubbles." Write out some of the thoughts that caused specific emotions to pop out. Draw out separate "thought bubbles" for each so they see they have several different thoughts to choose from. As they get older, ask how (and why) they chose the thought bubble they did.

4. Explore Interpretations. Teach empathy by helping your child consider interpretations beyond their own experience. For example, they could say, "Maybe the kid who was rude was having a bad day and not intentionally wanting to be mean to me."

5. Consider the Impact. Discuss how emotions influence actions and affect others. Celebrate when your child expresses negative emotions respectfully or brings positive emotions as a gift to others.

6. Decide Which They Want More -- and Why? Together, explore what leads to the desired emotions. Make a menu of thoughts, relationships, and experiences that create those positive emotions for your child and show them how others may also enjoy those things.

As you listen to your kids share, build trust by validating the experience of their emotions, perceptions and relationships. For more practical age and stage parenting tips, visit www.MyKidsAge.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: I want to be a good dad to my two young kids, but I struggle relating with them. I've got a successful career in sales and have no problem connecting well with my clients on an adult level. Do you have any tips on learning to speak "child"?

Jim: You may already have a finely honed skill that'll get you most of the way there. You're probably familiar with the common sales technique of "mirroring" -- it may actually help you with your parenting.

Researchers have often found that sales representatives who mirror their customers' emotions and mannerisms are more likely to close a deal. It helps the customer feel at ease and believe the salesperson really understands their needs. So, the customer is more likely to trust the sales rep and take their advice.

Moms and dads who want to connect with their children can also use mirroring as an effective technique. It's fairly straightforward: Pay close attention to your kids' individual personalities, then be sensitive to those unique traits as an open door to each child's heart. For example, if your son is always on the move, he might talk with you more easily when you're playing a game together. But with a daughter who is quiet, your best conversations could happen after bedtime stories.

Parenting is a challenging job. Connecting with our children is vital so they'll learn to trust what we say above all the competing messages that bombard them each day. The bottom line: When we meet each of our kids on their level, by mirroring their interests and personalities, we stand a greater chance of influencing their lives.

You can find plenty of ideas and practical tools to help your family thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Q: I've been dating my boyfriend for about 18 months. Around other people, he's warm and friendly. But when it's just us, he can be very controlling. He gets upset if he doesn't get his way or if I don't do as he wishes. It doesn't take much to irritate him. Friends tell me to stand up for myself, but that just seems to make things worse. I really love this man -- what can I do?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Unfortunately, it sounds like a hard reality check is overdue here. Realistically, you can't make your boyfriend become less controlling. Our behavior can impact and influence others, but true heart change only comes with God's help and individual personal choice.

You mentioned that friends have encouraged you to "stand up for yourself," and that might be good advice -- depending on what it means. It doesn't mean you can go toe-to-toe with your boyfriend as if you were confronting the class bully. That's a no-win scenario. Instead, you need to develop and demonstrate self-respect. The fact that you've put up with this behavior for this long suggests to me that you could benefit from the regular support of a wise professional counselor. See our website (above) for a local referral, or call 855-771-HELP (4357).

Meanwhile, standing up for yourself also means establishing some very clear boundaries with your boyfriend. If you do decide to try to continue on in a relationship -- and I strongly encourage you to give that question serious deliberation -- you must insist that he get ongoing individual counseling for his anger and control issues. Those behaviors are enormous red flags. If he's serious about his love and concern for you, he'll get the help he needs and make the necessary changes. Otherwise, you're better off without him. Work on getting yourself healthy and trust God for a new and better beginning.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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