Q: I'm sure we're like most parents -- we want our children to learn well and develop good character. We also want to protect them from ever getting hurt. There's so much pain in the world; I believe it's important to shield our kids as much as possible. But how can we accomplish that?

Jim: My answer might surprise you. I actually think the greatest teacher you can invite into your home is consequences. All of us, at all ages, generally only change our behavior when the pain of poor choices causes us to think, "I don't want that to happen again."

I get it: Moms and dads find it hard to let their children struggle. They swoop in and short-circuit the process before the child learns a single lesson. When they rescue their child from pain, they increase the odds that he or she will make the exact same mistake again.

Every parent should understand that there are two forms of pain: hurt and harm. And there's a very real difference between them.

Hurt is normal in life. It's like the soreness you feel when you work a muscle. There's no damage being done, but you can barely get out of bed in the morning.

Harm, on the other hand, indicates something destructive is happening. It's like running a marathon or climbing a mountain with a broken ankle.

We should definitely protect our children from harm, but not necessarily from hurt. Negative consequences don't damage a child. But they do motivate him to reconsider whether his choices were worth the trouble. Hurt is how children learn to make better decisions that will bring about more positive consequences.

As long as your kids' choices only hurt, let them learn from their mistakes whenever possible. The consequences of one poor decision will teach your children more than a thousand lectures.

Q: My husband has hurt my feelings SO many times. I don't think it's necessarily intentional; mostly just neglect and being preoccupied with his own priorities. I keep hearing that I need to forgive him, but I just don't know if I can!

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: Forgiveness is one of the most challenging personal choices each of us must regularly make in marriage. There might be only minor impact from occasional disappointments. Or we may have deep emotional scars from years of back-and-forth mistreatment. Over time our hearts can become so hardened that forgiveness can seem impossible.

Even if we truly want to forgive our spouse for unresolved offenses, it's tempting to stubbornly insist that they should make the first move toward reconciliation. They may feel the same way, which leaves us in a deadlock.

The truth is that the only way to maintain a loving relationship is to keep short accounts and forgive on a regular basis. Healing and reconciliation likely won't happen overnight, but forgiving can be a turning point in any relationship.

Forgiveness communicates that we value our spouse, and it can soften our hardened hearts toward each other. It doesn't erase what has happened or magically heal the wounds. But it allows the relationship to progress toward deeper levels of intimacy.

Forgiveness starts when we make the decision to forgive -- regardless of whether our emotions necessarily line up with that decision. In other words, we can choose to forgive even when we don't feel like it.

Forgiveness is more than a choice, it's also a process. We tend to want things immediately. But forgiveness doesn't work like that. Depending on the gravity and magnitude of the offense, it can take weeks, months or years -- even a lifetime. But regardless of how long it takes, forgiveness is always worth it.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: This year we moved into a new (larger) house. So, for the first time at Thanksgiving and Christmas, the entire extended family will be under one roof: ours. How can we manage the stress of hosting?

Jim: The holiday season should be the most joyous time of the year -- but often it's the most stressful. I think a big reason is how we build up expectations.

We put expectations on ourselves and our family members -- and they also have expectations for how they want things to go. We want the house to be perfect, the meals to be perfect, the gifts to be perfect. Everything should go off without a hitch.

The problem is that holidays rarely work out as perfectly as we'd like; there are just too many variables that can go wrong. And when our expectations get dashed, that often leads to stress, disappointment, and conflict.

The most obvious solution is to lower your expectations. But that can be a little tricky because often we don't realize just how high our expectations really are until it's too late. The best way to diffuse that problem is to talk about everything ahead of time.

So, as you're finalizing your holiday plans this year, talk with your spouse and other family members about how you hope things will go. And then proactively discuss how you can adapt if (when) necessary. It may not seem like much, but conversations like that can make a huge difference. They'll help you keep things in their proper perspective. And those lowered expectations can allow enough margin for you to stay calm when things go differently than you expect.

Q: My 9-year-old daughter resists bedtime and acts out. She recently shared that she's been picked on at school, but for some reason she didn't tell her teacher. What should I do?

Dr. Danny Huerta, Vice President, Parenting & Youth: A child's brain processes rejection like receiving a punch -- it hurts! Such experiences are often internalized, causing kids to question their self-worth and safety. It doesn't sound like your daughter feels physically or emotionally safe at school, so it makes sense that she would be having a hard time behaviorally. If she's like most kids her age, she assumes that these events mean something is wrong with her.

Here are three helpful strategies to help your daughter learn to navigate peer challenges:

1. Create a safe space for her to express her feelings. Validate her emotions and affirm that being picked on is hurtful and frustrating. Ask if she has other feelings about what is happening. The more she can share with you, the more supported and assured she will feel.

2. Help build her self-confidence and teach her to communicate her feelings effectively when others are being mean. Practice setting boundaries by asking what she would tell you to do if someone was being mean to you. She likely knows what needs to be done, but needs to develop the confidence to do it. Discuss why she decided not to tell the teacher or other adults at school.

3. Talk about her options. What does she think needs to be done? Help her see that she's not trapped; feeling trapped can create a sense of panic. Write down the ideas that she shares with you, then read them aloud and plan the response together.

Remember, as her parent, you are in the most influential position in your daughter's life. Your patient support and guidance are crucial in helping her navigate these challenges and develop social resilience.

For more practical parenting tips, visit FocusOnParenting.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

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Q: My wife and I are committed to helping our kids explore their natural talents in sports, music, and other areas as they grow up. But every time we try something new, the kids seem to hate it. I'm perplexed -- what's the secret?

Jim: The first question to ask is a powerful one: "Who's more interested in this activity -- my child, or me?"

I'll share a personal story as an example. My sons are grown now. But when our oldest, Trent, was 5, we signed him up for T-ball. On the first day, the coach sent the two of us to the outfield. The moment I'd been waiting for was here -- father and son, bonding together over baseball.

However ... about 30 minutes passed with virtually no action. I leaned down and asked Trent, "Are you doin' OK?" He replied: "Not really, Dad." It was obvious his heart just wasn't in it. "Would you rather get a milkshake?" "Yeah, let's do that," he said. And Trent's baseball career came to a close.

A few years later, my son who didn't like baseball couldn't wait to tell me when he won the chess club championship. He found a form of competition that appealed to the way he's wired -- and I learned a valuable lesson. There's (usually) no cheering from the sidelines in chess. But I could be a super-proud dad watching my son apply his gifts and intellect to something he loves and excels at doing.

As parents, we want our children to try different activities, have fun, and develop their natural talents. But we're prone to steering them toward things that we enjoy instead of the ones they'd prefer. The key is to constantly study our kids and watch for what excites them, even (especially) if it's something we're not all that interested in ourselves. And when in doubt: Ask them.

Q: When my wife is making decisions, I try to politely make reasonable suggestions to help -- but it usually doesn't go over well. I can't understand why she's so resistant to good advice. Am I missing something?

Dr. Greg Smalley, Vice President, Marriage & Family Formation: In an ideal situation, husbands and wives should be able to offer each other advice in ways that strengthen their relationship. But that's seldom how it works out. Most of us struggle to accept "constructive feedback" from our spouses, even when it's wise counsel.

Here are some tips to help avoid the baggage that often accompanies advice-giving.

-- First, remember that unsolicited advice can be hard to swallow. Before you speak, ask your wife if she's open to hearing what you have to say. If not, stop. If so, carefully share your thoughts in a tone that will help her feel loved and cared for.

-- Second, check your motives. Pause to assess how you're feeling toward your spouse in the moment and why you want to give advice. If you're a little angry and want to push a few buttons, it's best to stay silent for the time being. Wait to share your thoughts until you're more in control of your emotions.

-- Finally, create and maintain an environment where it's safe for advice to be shared and received. You can build safety in your relationship by building each other up daily, encouraging one another, and nurturing each other in ways that are loving and honoring. And never give advice in a tone or manner that demeans or insults your spouse.

In a marriage that's sustained by love and encouragement, mutual advice-giving can become a positive and enriching part of daily life. I pray that's the case for you.

You'll find lots more information to help your marriage thrive at FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Jim Daly is a husband and father, an author, and president of Focus on the Family and host of the Focus on the Family radio program. Catch up with him at jimdalyblog.focusonthefamily.com or at Facebook.com/JimDalyFocus.

INTERNATIONAL COPYRIGHT SECURED. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED.