Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I cannot believe I'm writing to you, but this problem has been festering for 13 years and I'm at the end of my rope. It's my sister-in-law, "Ethel." She's a hypochondriac who feels that she must be the center of attention. Regardless of the situation, she has always "been there, done that, I know how you feel."

My father has lung cancer and underwent six weeks of exhaustive radiation. My mother and I are watching him die and have spent many sleepless nights with him. Ethel sounds like a broken record, repeating that she knows how he feels, knows how we feel, etc. I want to say to her, "Unless you have watched a father die, or watched a husband die, then you CANNOT 'understand' what Mother and I are going through!"

Her kids are brats, and I'm not the only one to say so. She leaves them unattended to go to a job that she does not need. My brother has a terrific job and makes excellent money. I cannot figure out why he tolerates her. People can't stand to be around her and make fun of her every chance they get. She's always "sick" because it's her way of getting attention. I'm sick of biting my tongue and I'm itching to tell her off. Should I? -- ITCHING ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR ITCHING: No! Telling her off would be counterproductive and would create more problems than you already have. You can't change your sister-in-law. Avoid the poor woman whenever possible, and in the interest of family unity, tolerate her when you must.

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Eileen" about "Mary Helen," who was criticized because her efforts to save her brother "Bill" were futile, I had to write. I had a heart attack from a condition that I, like Bill, thought was the flu. I collapsed at work and was essentially dead when I hit the floor. Three to five minutes was all that was necessary for my death to be complete.

Fortunately for me, three of my co-workers knew CPR. After calling 911, they immediately started to work on me. They kept me alive until the paramedics came to take over. My doctors have told me that only one person in 10 recovers as I did.

Later, one of my rescuers confessed to me that she had used the wrong cadence in performing the chest compressions and that she was afraid she would hurt me or break a rib if she pressed too hard. I replied that she should not have worried. I was grateful for her efforts because even an injury was better than the alternative!

If Eileen and her friend, Mary Helen, had done nothing, death was a guaranteed result. Bill's only hope for life was that Mary Helen do something, and she did -- to the best of her ability. I can guarantee Mary Helen that Bill was grateful for her attempt, as I am thankful for those who saved me. -- GRATEFUL IN SEATTLE

DEAR GRATEFUL: Heartfelt congratulations on your recovery. I'm sure "Mary Helen" and "Eileen" will appreciate your having shared your personal experience. It highlights that any CPR is better than no CPR at all.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOUNG WORKING MOTHER": You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and without enough time. Malcolm Forbes once said, "Unless you are serving time, there is never enough of it."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Like so many of those who write to you, I have been involved for quite a while with a married man who keeps making promises about our future together, but those promises are never kept.

The difference is, this one is married -- to a corpse. She's been dead for 2 1/2 years, and he still can't let go and get on with his life.

For almost a year, he promised we'd spend a weekend together; however, by Thursday, he always had a reason to cancel. When we finally did get together for a weekend, he walked out and got another motel room where he and the ghost could spend the night together, while I cried my eyes out alone in the king-size bed in my room. Do you have any idea how much rejection there is in learning that the man you love would rather sleep with his memories than with you?

I finally persuaded him to get counseling, but he's still doing the same things: promising we have a future together, then squelching any plans for physically consummating our relationship. He insists he doesn't need Viagra, that he's capable of doing it, but then he comes up with another hokey excuse why he can't make time for a weekend together.

He's really a nice man, Abby. He treats me well and has a delightful sense of humor. He'd be the perfect companion if he could just accept that his wife is dead, she's not coming back, and he's not cheating on her if he sleeps with another woman. What should I do? -- SEXLESS IN SEATTLE

DEAR SEXLESS: If you love him, give him a little more time. My experts tell me that he could be suffering from pathological grief. In most people, the grieving process lasts about one year -- but if it lasts longer than that it requires professional help.

I don't know how long this man has been in counseling, but if it has been any length of time and he still has not progressed in mourning (mourning is the reparative process associated with grief) -- then he should consult another professional counselor. His inability to be intimate with you sexually may have nothing to do with sexuality, but rather overwhelming mourning and overwhelming guilt.

If he's as terrific as you say he is, he's worth waiting for a little longer.

DEAR ABBY: When I was about 21, I was date-raped, and it took me several years to get myself sorted out. This was my first time, and it is only now that I'm finally at a point where I can trust a man again and want to have sex.

My problem is, I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend about what happened to me years ago, and that he will be the first person I have ever really made love with. What do you think? -- ANONY-MISS

DEAR ANONY-MISS: I think it's very important that you tell him exactly what you have told me -- and the sooner the better.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and work two jobs. One of them is with a small title company. When I started, I was promised a raise after a few weeks of training. I have not seen that raise. I am considering asking for it, but I'm shy when it comes to this sort of thing.

Abby, what would be the easiest and most effective way to ask without losing my job? -- SHY AND BROKE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR SHY: Compile a list of the reasons you feel you deserve a raise, then ask your boss or supervisor for an appointment to talk. People who ask for what they deserve are respected, so do not be shy about asking for the raise you were promised.

The list will enable you to show your boss or supervisor why you think your salary should be increased. It will open the door for a discussion about your performance, and allow both of you to evaluate your strengths and any areas in which you need to improve.

Consider this another step on the road to maturity. If you are an asset to the company, you should be treated like one.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to a recent letter regarding the need to carry identification in case of an emergency.

My husband is an avid runner. He never used to carry ID because he said it was inconvenient. I felt that it was an unsafe practice, and finally came up with a solution he could live with. Whenever I order ID tags for our dogs, I order one for my husband. I put as much pertinent information on it as possible, including his name, phone number and an emergency number at work.

He jokes that I put "property of" on the tag, too, but he does agree that it's a good idea. He laces the tag into his shoelaces. It's lightweight, soundless and reflective. He never forgets it because it's a permanent part of his shoe from the very first run. It's an inexpensive way to protect him in the event of an injury. Perhaps others might benefit from our idea. -- KATIE SPICER, CHALFONT, PA.

DEAR KATIE: You have hit upon a clever solution to a common problem, and I congratulate you on your ingenuity. I'm sure your idea of adapting dog tags will appeal to runners and walkers who are reluctant to carry any "excess baggage" with them.

DEAR ABBY: I want to divorce my husband but I don't know how to tell him. We have been arguing too much, and it's affecting my studies in college. I strongly suspect that he's having an affair and feeling guilty about it because he stays out late. How late? you might ask. Try 4 o'clock in the morning! Also, our sex life has decreased to only two or three times a month.

We have been married for three years, and in the first three months of our marriage, he had an affair with the woman he left for me. Like an idiot, I took him back, thinking I could trust him. Now I have my doubts. I don't know what to do. Please help me, Abby. -- UNCOUPLING IN OREGON

DEAR UNCOUPLING: Tell your husband exactly what you have told me. Offer him the option of marriage counseling. If he refuses -- since there are no children to complicate matters -- I suggest you talk to a lawyer.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)