DEAR ABBY: I recently attended a funeral where I was shocked at some of the clothes worn and the lack of respect shown. (In 1993, my brother died, and one of my cousins wore a dress in such a bright color it hurt my eyes to look at it. She also wore a ring on every finger.) My curiosity was aroused concerning appropriate funeral attire, so I went to the public library and read everything they had on funerals, as well as Miss Manners and Emily Post. Here is what I found:

1. Don't be late.

2. Wear dark clothes.

3. Don't wear more black than the widow.

4. Wear minimal jewelry (wedding band, tasteful earrings, watch, tie tack).

5. Humor is acceptable as long as it's tasteful and low-keyed.

6. If it's acceptable to the family, exes may attend or serve as pallbearers.

7. Family members only are allowed to sit in the family section. (No exes.)

8. The time for hugs and acknowledgments is when the family is receiving guests at the funeral home or at the cemetery -- NOT as people pass by the coffin to pay their last respects to the deceased.

9. Don't bring babies or unruly toddlers.

10. Don't get up and leave during the service.

I hope this will answer some questions for people, so we can all start to show more respect to the families and to the deceased. -- MARIE IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS

DEAR MARIE: I'm sure your list of do's and don'ts will be of interest to many people. However, I have a personal experience I would like to share with you:

When I was in my 20s, a male contemporary, "Doug," was tragically injured in a boat accident. His injuries were massive and irreversible, and for days his life hung by a thread. Then the inevitable happened and he was gone.

The day before the funeral, I spoke to his girlfriend and asked if she would like to ride to the service with me. When she arrived at my home, she was wearing a bright orange mini-dress. Of course, when we arrived at the chapel for the service, every head turned in her direction, and there were more than a few raised eyebrows. She saw the stares and turned to me with tears in her eyes. "I know they're looking at me because of what I'm wearing," she whispered. "I'm wearing this dress because Doug always loved to see me in it. It was his favorite."

After that, I stopped forming judgments about what people wore to funerals -- and paid more attention to what was in their hearts.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married in September and am faced with a problem. My aunt has asked me if a picture of my grandfather, who recently passed away, may be placed on the altar. The question shocked me. I didn't know how to respond. Is this appropriate? I don't want to make a joyful event depressing. -- BRIDE-TO-BE, NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: It doesn't have to be depressing. Placing a small photograph of your grandfather on the altar would be a sensitive and loving gesture. A short reading could be dedicated to your departed grandfather who is with you in spirit -- a sentimental warm-up for the main event.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from a girl named "Mary in Hull, Mass.," who said she was 12 years old, 5 feet tall and about 130 pounds. She didn't like the way she looked and asked you for a diet. I am concerned for her, and for the many other adolescents who have difficulty accepting their bodies. Too much emphasis is placed on physical perfection these days.

I am a seventh- and eighth-grade middle-school health and fitness teacher and coach. Here is what I would like to tell Mary:

(1) Muscle weighs more than fat tissue. Each time you exercise and gain strength, endurance and flexibility, you increase your well-being and develop muscle. Busy kids are happier kids. Stop checking the scale and keep an activity log instead. It's more positive reinforcement.

(2) Please don't compare your body with that of other kids your age. Middle-schoolers (adolescents) range from 4-foot-tall boys to 6-foot-tall girls -- round in sixth grade, tall and lean in eighth grade. Your body is doing some very important development at this time. Check out videos on nutrition from the library. Check out one on anorexia and see how some people deprive their bodies of fuel and important nutrients attempting to achieve "perfection." The result can be bone diseases and problems with the reproductive organs.

Be grateful that you enjoy activities. Do them to have fun, and not specifically to lose weight. Once you decide that you love staying active and that it makes you happy, your body imperfections won't be so important to you. Dwell on the positive. Speak to people -- and yourself -- about positive things.

(3) Don't order "super-size" fast food. (One serving of fries is 150 calories; a super-size is 800.) "Just say no" to doughnuts. Eat more fruits and veggies and less bread. Learn more about nutrition and vitamin sources such as wheat germ. Get videos from the library on yoga, tae bo, aerobics -- and perhaps join the cross-country team at your school. No "cuts" and no bench-warming. Everyone participates -- and you're measured by your personal improvement.

(4) This last one is not about your body or nutrition. VOLUNTEER! Do something special for someone else. This builds self-confidence, and you'll begin to see that there are much more important issues out there to put your energies into.

(5) Make a list of 10 things you would like to do or learn, and then begin.

I'll be thinking of you, Mary! -- TERRIE FROM FRUITPORT, MICH.

DEAR TERRIE: You are a caring educator. Your letter contains a banquet of information not only for Mary, but also for any young person who is interested in health and fitness.

P.S. I have long been a proponent of volunteerism and continuing education. And keeping an activity log is a great idea. Watching one's stamina increase from week to week and month to month provides an incentive to persevere.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in a two-booklet set. To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $7.90 per set ($9 per set in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: In years past, you have warned parents that it is inappropriate to give young fowl or baby animals to small children as Easter gifts. Not only are the children too young to properly care for them, but they pose a health risk.

Many chicks, ducklings and other young fowl shed salmonella bacteria in their feces. Humans become infected from direct contact with the birds or when feces-contaminated food, hands or objects are placed in the mouth.

Children have more frequent hand-to-mouth contact than adults and are less likely to wash their hands properly after handling chicks or ducklings. Infants, children under 5 and immuno-compromised persons are at high risk for severe infections and diarrhea.

Abby, please stress to your readers that if they handle young fowl, they MUST thoroughly wash their hands with soap and hot water. -- KAMMY JOHNSON, DVM, PHD, CENTERS FOR DISEASE CONTROL AND PREVENTION, ATLANTA

DEAR KAMMY: Thank you for the timely warning. Parents who want to give their children chicks and ducks should buy the cuddly "stuffed" kind. Not only do they not have to be fed, they also don't pose a health risk.

DEAR ABBY: My father, now in his late 60s, seems to enjoy upsetting people. For many years, he has given gifts with the intention of deliberately shocking the recipient. When the package is opened, he breaks into a big grin if the person is reduced to tears.

He sent my sister's rooommate insulting literature because he doesn't like the way she manages her money. He doesn't like my niece's husband, so he sent him a pair of dirty socks.

As he ages, it appears that my father's desperate attempts to hurt people have accelerated. The last straw came a few weeks ago when I was a passenger in my father's car. He purposely stopped across three lanes of oncoming traffic -- on my side of the car! I became hysterical. My husband wants to sell our home and move me as far away as possible from my abusive father.

Abby, our family is planning to get together again soon. I feel like excluding my father. What should I do? -- HURT IN VIRGINIA

DEAR HURT: Whether or not to invite your father to a family gathering is the least of your worries. Your father's behavior appears to be escalating from eccentric to dangerous. One definition of serious mental illness is, "The person is a danger to himself or others." By stopping his car across three lanes of traffic, he placed you in serious jeopardy. Talk to a lawyer and to his doctor about his behavior. Your father must be evaluated for dementia or mental illness.

DEAR ABBY: Returning home from a small dinner party given by some close friends, I remarked to my wife that the gin had been watered. She observed that so was the scotch.

How can we delicately call this to the attention of our hosts? They don't read Dear Abby. We're concerned that their housekeeper may be nipping and refilling the bottles of expensive booze with water. -- BOMBED IN BEVERLY HILLS

DEAR BEVERLY HILLS: (Far be it from me to call anyone "Bombed.") Since you're afraid you'll offend these close friends if you approach the subject directly, the next time they entertain you, bring your own bottle as a bread-and-butter gift.

Dear Abby is written by Pauline Phillips and daughter Jeanne Phillips.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)