DEAR ABBY: I have reached a crossroads with my career. I used to love my job. I play an important role at my company, and I'm good at what I do. Long term, it provides job security. However, the pay is subpar, and my recent request for a raise was denied. I haven't received a raise in several years. I couldn't get a straight answer about the denial. I was told it wasn't my work performance.

I have started looking elsewhere, and I have several interviews scheduled. All of them will give me a $15,000-per-year salary increase over what I currently make for doing what I do. I wasn't asking that much for a raise, not even close.

But what makes this difficult is my co-workers. They are devastated at the thought of me leaving. One of them, someone I'm fairly close to, was so angry he went to our boss himself without my knowledge. I don't know what he said, but he got me a raise, albeit a very small one.

However, my heart is set on leaving. While I appreciate his going out on a limb for me, I now feel "obligated" to stay. Abby, I'm having a hard time with this. Can you help? -- MOVING ON IN THE EAST

DEAR MOVING ON: Have a private conversation with the friend who went to bat for you. Tell him you appreciate what he did, but when your boss refused the raise you asked for -- after several years of no increase at all -- you realized you were no longer valued by the company. Explain that when you went job-hunting you were offered far more than you have been earning, and this will be a step up for you. It doesn't have to mean the end of your relationship with him or the others who care about you. It might stimulate him to go job-hunting, too.

DEAR ABBY: Years ago I was sexually assaulted by a friend of a friend. I'll call the man Pete and the friend Katie. I immediately told Katie about it, and we didn't hang out with Pete much after that. Life went on, and I forgot about it.

I recently learned that Katie is engaged to Pete now. They are living in another state, and she asked for my address so she can send me an invitation to their wedding. I'm not planning on attending, but how should I tell her I'm not coming? We haven't been close in years, but she was a bridesmaid in my wedding. Should I just send the RSVP card back with a "no," or should I let her know upfront? -- CAUGHT OFF GUARD IN VIRGINIA

DEAR CAUGHT: I assume that after Katie marries the "friend" who sexually assaulted you, your relationship will be over. While you may have repressed the memory until now, I find it hard to believe that all three of you had an attack of amnesia. There's no need to contact her at this point to remind her of what her fiance is capable of. Just say no. If she contacts you to ask why, explain it to her then.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 32 and have been dating my boyfriend, "Jerome," for five years. We both have successful careers and lives of our own. However, when we visit his family who live in the area, I'm subjected to "baby talk" from his mother. She's a wonderful woman who loves her family dearly, but she can't seem to converse with any of us without pitching her voice up an octave and talking in sentences as if we are 5 years old.

In addition, she insists on calling her son every day to ask how his day is going or check on him if he hasn't been feeling well, again with a baby voice. I am at my wits' end. Jerome has addressed the issue several times with her and his father, but it never gets better. His father says that's who she is, and it won't change.

His parents now wonder why I seem so unhappy when I'm around them and think I don't like them. But I'm just tired of the disrespect, and I don't like that they expect me to accept the baby talk. Please help. -- ALL GROWN UP IN HOUSTON

DEAR ALL GROWN UP: I am inclined to agree with your boyfriend's father. This is the way his wife is.

Part of the problem may be that you are complaining to the wrong people about the way she talks to you. Because you seem unable to change the way you feel, and it's affecting how you behave toward your boyfriend's parents, tell her as diplomatically as possible that you feel disrespected when she uses baby talk with you. It's better than sulking, which may be why they think you don't like them -- and appears to be half-true.

DEAR ABBY: I have had an internship in a new city this summer. My dad's friend has kindly allowed me to stay in his home while he's away on a long vacation. He told me I can watch his movies, use his TV, and even have friends visit and sleep on the couch. I am very grateful for his generosity.

He left for his vacation in a rush, and at eye-level on the DVD shelf he has a pornographic movie. I have nothing morally against it, but I think it's something he would be uncomfortable with me seeing.

A friend is coming to visit me next week, and I don't know what to do about the DVD. What would respect his privacy more: if I don't touch the film, or if I flip it over to hide the spine? -- SURPRISED GUEST

DEAR SURPRISED: Put the DVD in a drawer and make a note on your calendar to yourself to replace it where it was before your host returns from his trip.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is on her third marriage to a pretty nice guy, but she's also in regular contact with her first husband by text, email and phone. And now, her present husband is also in contact with an ex-girlfriend (hanging out, having lunch, etc.). What part of this picture am I not getting? -- SUSPICIOUS MOM AND IN-LAW IN ARIZONA

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: I'd say your vision is 20/20 or better. If your daughter's track record holds, marriage No. 3 is in the ninth inning, and the "players" are about to strike out.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have a disagreement about when a person should be allowed to get up from the table. We have an 8-month-old son whom we both want to grow up to have good manners. We know he'll soon be out of his high chair and become squirmy and not want to stay seated.

My wife was raised to stay seated and be excused only after everyone is finished eating -- holding everyone hostage until the last person is finished and extending dinnertime up to an hour or more. I feel it's excessive, and a child would have a hard time sitting still that long.

When she was little, her parents tied her to her chair so she couldn't get up until everyone finished eating. I was raised to ask to be excused after I was finished, but was welcome to stay and socialize if I liked.

In my opinion, dinner should last about 30 minutes so there's time to finish chores around the house. I agree that coming to the table and leaving after 10 minutes is rude because the cook has taken great care to prepare the meal and may feel insulted if the diner gets up too quickly. Long dinners may have been acceptable in Jane Austen's day, but not in today's fast-paced world. -- HIGH CHAIR HOSTAGE

DEAR HIGH CHAIR: Your wife appears to be extremely rigid. On the plus side, she appreciates the importance of family dinners in the home. I agree that children should be taught table manners, however, tying a kid to a chair is considered child abuse these days, and I don't recommend it.

Modern parents recognize that small children have short attention spans and compensate for it in various ways. When a child is old enough to understand, the rules should be spelled out. If the children are in another person's home or a public place, materials should be provided so the child can entertain him- or herself while the adults make conversation. If the child needs to get up and move around, he or she should be accompanied by a parent so other diners won't be interrupted.

If a meal at home is going to be a long one, the child should be allowed to be excused from the table as you were. And because you are an adult, you should have the freedom to leave the table if you wish, too.

DEAR ABBY: A woman in my social circle has called me a know-it-all and accused me of making her feel stupid. She has refused to accept my apology, canceled our carpools to events and has started challenging me at every turn of any conversation.

I no longer feel comfortable accepting invitations to gatherings in her home, but frequent encounters with her are unavoidable. How should I handle confrontations with her in the future? -- TRAUMATIZED TEXAN

DEAR T.T.: There shouldn't be any "confrontations." When you see the woman, be pleasant and keep your distance. If she tries to start an argument, tell her the problem is hers and you don't intend to make it yours -- period. Then, if there are others present, devote your time to them.