DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Let’s start this off with I screwed up… I screwed up massively.  I’m 23, I got married a year and half ago to a man from the US and I’m from Canada. The distance was always an issue but we made due. Meaning he lead me on to believe he was moving until 6 months ago. Then I began the prep work from me to move to him. He started ignoring me, literately no answer to texts, phones or messages. And being shoved away like that, I ended up doing the unthinkable. I cheated.

Then I made it even worse, I told my husband. So he completely ignored me. I ended up showing up at his doorstep. Everything was rocky. Good then bad, back and forth. Eventually, he decided that me being there a week was enough time for us to try again, he wants to send me on my way to “see how he feels without me” It’s been a month, I think that it should have been enough time to come to some answer.

On top of all this, the guy I cheated with wants some sort of relationship and I haven’t exactly made it clear that I don’t want that, but I have made it clear who comes first (My husband). So Dr. NerdLove… What the frig do I do?

The Other, Other Woman

DEAR THE OTHER, OTHER WOMAN: I have a lot of questions, starting with “you got married while still long distance?” How the hell was THAT going to work?

Not that it matters, honestly because, well, I hate to say it, TOO, but you’ve got your answer right in front of you: you end things.

This, I hate to say, was not a relationship that was ever going to go the distance. Leaving aside the whole “got married while still living separately” part — which is still leaving me with questions — you were in a long-distance relationship a guy who clearly wasn’t trustworthy. LDRs are difficult enough in and of themselves, but you were in one with a guy who made all sorts of promises to move to be with you, and clearly never intended to.

Then, once you started making concrete plans to pull up stakes and immigrating to the US, he went radio silent on you.

I’m sorry, but that really should’ve been the sign that nothing was right here. A guy who makes promises that he never intends to keep and who ices you out when you take the initiative to fulfill those promises is a guy who is demonstrably NOT marriage material… or any kind of material really.

Maybe landfill material. If you compost him properly first.

Quite frankly, I’m not terribly surprised that you cheated, and honestly, I think it was justified. I’m willing to give you a pass on that, even if I think you should’ve just dumped him so hard his grandparents divorced retroactively.

Hell, I’m not even that surprised that you told him. Let’s be honest, just you, me and the entire Internet: you really just wanted to get some sort of reaction out of him. But unfortunately, the reaction you got was… nothing. Which, again, is not a good indicator of the long-term viability of this relationship. Anger, hurt, confusion… any of these would at least have been a sign that he cared, at least a little. But instead, he just continued to ignore you.

Showing up on his doorstep made sure he couldn’t ignore you but it didn’t solve anything, did it?

Now, do you know why?

I hate to say it, but the cold hard truth is that your relationship’s already over and it’s been over for a while.

(STILL not getting past the whole “got married while living separately in separate countries” thing. Was this a drunken quickie-wedding with Elvis in Vegas?)

The only reason why it’s been hard to accept that this is over — and has been over for quite some time — is because your hubby just doesn’t seem to have the balls to actually take steps like, say, hiring a lawyer or actually filing for divorce. Maybe he was hoping that you would do the work for him. Maybe he doesn’t think your marriage is “real”. Maybe he seemed to be under the impression that a citizen’s divorce is a thing and if he just pretends you’re not there, it’ll take kick in.

In the end, what he’s thinking doesn’t make a lick of difference because it all comes down to a fundamental truth: he’s a douchebag. The best thing you can do right now is to do yourself a favor and hire a good divorce lawyer who is experienced in international marriages. Hell, maybe you can get the whole thing annulled and then YOU can pretend it never happened and shove this entire incident down the memory hole. Because, quite frankly, forgetting you were ever involved with this guy in the first place is the treatment he deserves. He tried to ignore you, you forget he ever existed in the first place. Seems fair to me.

Just don’t make the mistake of running back to your man on the side either. He may have caught feelings for you, but that’s no better. He’s not a potential relationship, he’s the tool you were using to try to get a reaction out of your husband.

Take some time off from relationships, recover, see what your legal options are when it comes to whether you can (or even want to) stay in the states versus heading back to Canada.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: There’s this girl I used to like and still do have a soft spot for. Her and I are very alike and we have very similar interest and a lot of people comment on how much alike we are. We also bicker a lot but can go right back to being friends the next second.

Now the reason that she didn’t want to go out with me (as my best friend overheard her say) is that she’s taller than me. I could sort of understand if I wasn’t normal height and she wasn’t taller than average but it does bother me a lot. 

Now, after I heard all this, I tried to nuclear approach. I cut her out of my life and even got a girlfriend in the time that she wasn’t there. Then things went bad with the girlfriend and we ended up breaking up (it happens, no biggie). But then me and tall girl started talking and hanging out again. She really made me feel like the biggest a

hole for not talking to her for the couple months I was with the other girl. It feels like I can’t break away from her. This wouldn’t be as confusing if she didn’t get very jealous whenever I even talk to another girl let alone flirt and she doesn’t hide it. She storms out of rooms every chance she gets. Her friends tell me she’s “territorial” of me. Which I find kind of creepy to be honest. 

But now the other day she texts me just to tell me that she’s “kinda seeing” a 28 year old guy (she’s 20). And I know that she did this just to attempt to make me jealous. Her “kind of seeing” anyone doesn’t bother me. Its her trying to mess with me that pisses me off and I really don’t want to give her the time of day anymore. But I feel like she’s going to go into the guilt trip again, I’m just not sure if I’m doing the right thing anymore.

Getting Played

DEAR GETTING PLAYED: This is what we in the dating advice business call “a HER problem, not a YOU problem.” Maybe she has feelings for you and can’t do anything about them because she’s already staked her position as “you’re too short for her” and she can’t bring herself to walk it back. Maybe she just likes knowing that you’re into her and gets a charge from having you on standby, even though she’s never going to actually date you. Hell, maybe she’s stuck at a stage of not knowing how to handle being attracted to someone and acts like a 5th grader instead.

Ultimately it doesn’t matter, because the way she acts is an indicator that you’re better off dating someone else.

If she can’t walk back her whole “I’m taller than you” stance and admit to having feelings, then she’s not ready to date you and it would end in tears to try. If she doesn’t have any interest in you romantically, but she loves the attention she gets from you and being a manipulative asshole in order to keep your attention, then it’s better off to cut ties. If she has feelings but can’t or won’t act on them and yet keeps insisting that she’s called dibs on you, then, again, it’s better to move on until she can grow up and get over it.

Instead, all that’s happening is that she’s sending you on so many guilt trips that you’re qualifying for frequent flyer miles.

To quote a wise man: “A strange game. The only way to win… is not to play.”

Quit playing her game. Cut her off until she acts like a grown-ass adult.

Good luck.

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been reading your articles and so far I can agree with most if not all of them. Really good advice. I have a intimate question for you. I can talk to girls, maybe get ’em to like me, take me out for dinner, all that buzz.

Now my major problem is between the sheets. I tend to turn into socially awkward penguin when it comes to love making of any sort. Not exactly knowing what to do with my hands, not knowing what to say, not knowing when I should stop kissing, it’s a car wreck.

Please just teach me how to make a girl remember a night of passion and not laughter.

First Time Jitters

DEAR FIRST TIME JITTERS: What’s wrong with laughter? As long as they’re not pointing and laughing, laughter is a good thing. Sex is frequently ridiculous, absurd and crazy s--t happens and being able to stop and laugh about it with your partner is a mark of quality, not a sign that you suck in bed.

(Trust me, there will come a point where you and your partner will have something truly outlandish happen, and both of you busting a gut over it will be one of the truest signs of how right you are for each other.)

But that’s not what you asked.

Where to start, where to start. I mean, I could regale you with the lessons I learned from the Pansexual Nuns at Our Lady of the Gutta-Percha. Or I could tell you that one trick for neophytes during oral sex is the classic “write the alphabet with your tongue” and be ready to tell your friends about the girl who started screaming “YEASH, SPELL MY NAME! SPELL MY NAME!” But is that going to get to the core issue? No, not really.

That’s because sex isn’t about technique or numbers. The dude who’s racked up a thousand different one-night stands can be absolutely God-awful in bed, while the guy who’s only been with one or two women ever — especially for years or decades at a time — can be a sexual tyrannosaurus.

Good and great sex is about the connection.

Now here’s the thing to keep in mind: becoming skilled at sex is, like most other things in life, something that’s a matter of time, experience and practice. Everyone starts out in the same place, and there’s no shame in being inexperienced. In fact, there are a surprising number of women who actually love showing newbies the ropes. There’s something to be said for training a guy to be the sort of lover they wanted in the first place. But the fact remains that you’re going to have to be willing to be imperfect, especially in the name of learning; hopefully these girls who’re taking you out to dinner are also caring and considerate and will treat you with respect.

Here’s all you need to start out with (besides a willing, patient partner, some lube and a supply of condoms): a can-do attitude, an eagerness to learn, a lack of ego and a willingness to take direction and criticism. You’re likely not going to be perfectly smooth and suave the first time and that’s FINE. That’s very different from being GOOD in bed. Being willing to follow a girl’s lead, learning how to read her signals, use your words to explain what you like and, most importantly being willing to ask what she would like you to do will go a long way towards easing that learning curve.

Take it easy, take it at a pace you feel comfortable with and realize one important thing: the only people who are going to give you s--t about being a virgin are people you don’t want to sleep with in the first place.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been severely repressed by family and religion for years. Forced to see people having fun and enjoying life while I was always locked in a room studying and praying. As a result, I never learned how to read social cues, or how to talk to people outside of a professional setting.

I’m a 22 year old virgin. It’s an awful thing in on itself. Problem is, in my country the average age to get rid of your virginity is 12. Being denied any casual social contacts and venues to obtain relationships and sex wrecked me, and the knife was just driven further in college, where my ineptitude and constant pressure for academic accomplishments I ingrained into myself ruined any chance I had at having sex or friendships.

I now have a ton of issues, crippling loneliness, self harming and constant seizures where I bust out laughing and crying at the same time whenever I see happy couples enjoying each other’s company. Can’t watch music clips or any kind of videos of music festivals. The vision of people being happy, partying, enjoying their youth is too much to handle.

At times I catch myself thinking if I would be ok with being used like those 14 year olds who get in trouble for having sex with their teachers. I’d be perfectly ok with being someone’s sex toy. Better to be a toy than a dirty sopping wet rag in a dark corner.

I wish I could’ve been young. Had fun. Go to at least one orgy in college, get drunk and do something stupid, smoke a blunt or a bong. Have sex in a dorm and leave a sock in the knob. Get rid of this festering wound of virginity at the proper age.

I wish I flipped the bird at my parents and at my religion. I wish I never listened to them. If I didn’t, I’d be a human right now. I’d have lived, instead of just existing locked in a room, studying.

What do I do?

Too Little Too Late

DEAR TOO LITTLE TOO LATE: Y’know, TLTL, I get a lot of letters from people who feel the way that you do. They feel like they missed some window where they needed to do… something. It ranges from “have my first sexual experience” to just “go on a date”. And what’s amazing is how wide that window seems to be; I hear from just as many literal 40 year old virgins as I do from 17 year olds who think that they’re just too old to start dating now.

And here’s the thing: they’re all wrong. Just as you’re wrong about this. In fact, not to put too fine a point on it but… you’re kinda wrong on a lot of things.

As an example, you mention that the average age of someone’s first sexual experience in your country is 12. And first of all: I’m gonna need to see some citations, because that’s not actually the case. Studies show that globally, the average age of one’s first sexual experience tends to be 17, with younger countries bottoming out at around 15.5 years old. Similarly, according to the Guttmacher Institute, not only is sexual activity at ages 12 or younger incredibly rare, but more than half of the girls who lost their virginity at 12 or younger did not do so voluntarily. So I suspect that “the average age is 12” is either folks talking s--t to sound cool or you’re dealing with a horrific epidemic of rape in your country.

Second of all, however: 12 year olds aren’t ready to have sex. They don’t have the emotional or intellectual maturity to handle sex or sexual relationships and — again, going back to the Durex study — the younger people are, the far less likely they are to use contraception or practice safe sex. We have a word for folks who had sex at 12, especially those who had sex with older partners: raped. Chris Brown — who famously bragged about having lost his virginity at 8 — wasn’t just that manly or seductive; he was sexually assaulted. The people who brag about having had sex at that 12 — and aren’t, y’know, lying — are almost always trying to rationalize what had been done to them. Never mind discussions about legal age of consent; most 12 year olds aren’t capable of consenting to sex because they don’t have the experience, capacity or maturity to know what the f--k they’re doing, even if they’re legitimately horny as hell.

As an experiment: try talking to a 12 year old about damn near anything… then come back and tell me honestly that they’re capable of consenting to sex or that they’re in any way capable of handling the emotional complexities of sexual relationships or the responsibilities of sex, ranging from pregnancy to sexually transmitted infections, to even understanding the ramifications of having sex with someone… particularly someone who has power over you.

But that same [CITATION NEEDED] is necessary for the idea that you were missing out on orgies in college. Despite the hand-wringing that goes around about “hook up culture” (when they aren’t also wringing hands about the “sex recession” millennials and Zoomers are undergoing), college isn’t just wall to wall f--k parties that would make Caligula blush with envy. What you’re thinking of is 90% wishful thinking and braggadocio, and 5% rounding up to make things sound far cooler, and 5% just straight lying. There’s actually a lot less sex going on in colleges than people think. It’s not zero, no… but it’s also not 4 years of The Best of Porn Hub either. Most of the time, it’s garden variety serial monogamy and occasional casual hook-ups.

But here’s the thing: even if all of that were true — it’s not, but even if it were — none of that means anything. You’re not a freak for being a virgin at 22, my dude. You’re a little on the right of that particular bell-curve, but frankly you’re barely past the margin of error. It’s uncommon, but not rare, unusual or even particularly noteworthy. I know folks who lost their virginity in their 30s… and far from being seen as objects of pity, they’re in happy, successful and fulfilling relationships. There are many, many women — women I know personally, women who read and comment on this column, women who participate in the NerdLove Academy Facebook group and others — who have slept with male virgins your age and older. The people who most look down on older virgins are almost always other men; the bulls--t spread about older virgins is spread mostly by guys who have bought into toxic forms of masculinity and who are invested in perpetrating those very same beliefs.

Just as importantly though: you keep acting like it’s “too late” and you missed your window, and that’s simply not true. You didn’t do crazy s--t in college… but college isn’t the only time you can have adventures. There’s literally nothing stopping you from smoking a blunt or using a bong (which, honestly, is highly overrated) now. There’s no reason that you can’t travel, go on adventures, meet incredible people, have parties or have wild and crazy sex right now. You’re 22 years old, my dude; you’re in a place where you have relatively few responsibilities, plenty of opportunities and — critically — the metabolism of youth. Trust me when I tell you: the only major advantage of youth vs. experience is the way your body can recover from things like minimal sleep and s--tty food.

Here is another truth: the sex people have in their teens ain’t great. Nor, for that matter, are the relationships they have. Nobody knows what they’re doing, nobody has any measure of self-control or endurance and enthusiasm and energy don’t make up the difference. No matter what folks tell you, everyone’s fumbling around trying to figure things out; it gets romanticized because we’re told, over and over again, that this is supposed to be the most amazing time in your life. Pop culture sells that message constantly, not because there’s any great truth to it, but because 13 to 25 year olds are the most demographically desirable for the entertainment industry.

The relationships you have in high-school and college are very rarely the ones that will lead to marriage and family. Not because of your age but your inexperience. With age comes maturity and experience. The things that were overwhelming  and of dire importance when you were 15 are absurd to you at 20; the things that seemed so incredibly important at 20 are laughable at 30. The fact of the matter is that the best years of your life can be at any time, and it becomes even easier to have them when you have not just experience under your belt but greater resources and knowledge. To paraphrase the sage, your 30s are basically your 20s but with more experience and better credit.

Here is a final truth: the fact that you didn’t do all the wild and crazy things you think you were “supposed” to have done at an earlier age doesn’t mark you out as a loser or that you missed your chance. All it means is that you weren’t ready yet. You weren’t in a place where you were capable of doing those things. You made the best decisions you could have at that time with the information you had and as the person you were. But now? Now you’re in a place to change all of that. You’re in a place to try things for the sake of trying them, to make the conscious decision to get out of your comfort zone and — importantly — at a point in time where you have greater resources, greater access to information and greater experience. You’re actually better positioned now to have crazy adventures than you ever have been before.

And so you have a choice. You can either choose to be bitter and resentful about what you didn’t do… or you can choose to forgive yourself for making the best choices you could have at the time, put the past behind you and let go of that anger and resentment. Once you free up your emotional bandwidth you’ll have the freedom and the opportunity to go do amazing things, collect great stories and pursue all sorts of new experiences. But you can’t do that as long as you’re focused on what has already happened.

You’re at a flexion point. You can wallow in impotent anger about a past you can’t change… or you can let that all go and build an incredible present and amazing future.

But you have to make the choice to do so. It’s up to you.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com