DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I(13/M) met this guy(13/M) from one of my friends. We go to the same youth group and all and are really close. The issue is that recently, I’ve been more attached to him, wanting to stay with him more and I can’t stop thinking about him.
Now I’ve felt this way for girls, but this feels a lot more difficult. Every time I think about him, I feel relieved and confident and that’s the same when I’m near him.
I don’t know how or when to tell him, but I think I’ve fallen for him.
How should I tell him?
Young and Restless
DEAR YOUNG AND RESTLESS: OK, YaR I’m going to give you my standard advice, but with some important caveats based on your age and circumstances.
First: I’m a general believer that just confessing your feelings for someone isn’t ideal. A love confession makes for great drama in TV or manga, but in real life, it’s often the wrong move. 9 times out of 10, what’s going on is that you’re telling someone “hey, here, I have feelings, do something with them.”
For all intents and purposes, you’re often asking them to make a snap decision – do they want to start a relationship with you based on something you’ve just sprung on them? That’s not ideal under the best of circumstances, and often it’s not fair to do to them if they had no idea in the first place. It’s a big ask, and if you two don’t have a relationship to begin with, it’s even bigger; you often have no idea if you two are compatible, never mind how they might or might not feel about you. So under normal circumstances, I advocate for just asking someone out on a date, rather than just confessing your feelings. A date is a much smaller ask – after all, all you’re doing is asking them to spend a couple hours with you, rather than to decide if they want to start a relationship. A date makes it much easier to determine if the two of you work well together, as well as determining if there’s enough mutual interest to pursue something more significant. Plus, it still serves to communicate that you have feelings for them; people rarely ask people they don’t like on dates. The attraction is baked into the premise.
Now where things get complicated are your ages and both being boys. After all, it’s a little harder to date when you’re reliant on your parents for a ride and there’re fewer spaces for teens and tweens to hang and socialize than there were in my day. But the fact that you’re both boys adds a level of actual risk – not just the risk of rejection but risks to your physical safety.
In the last few years, there’s been a concerted effort by conservative lawmakers and organizations to roll back the progress society’s made with LGBTQ rights and protections. A number of states have effectively criminalized even expressing queer identities or relationships, and there’re plenty of people who would have no problem punishing a 13 year old in the name of “protecting” them. So even if you and your friend are mutually into one another, there’s a non-zero chance that someone else might decide to make this a problem.
So my first thought is that you’ll want to be mindful of the risk. If you’re in a blue state and/or have supportive parents, teachers and peers, that’s great. If you’re in some place that’s passed a variant of Florida’s “Don’t Say Gay” law or the anti-drag laws, or you have parents or authority figures who are anti-LGBTQ, you’re going to want to be cautious.
Now that being said, with regards to your friend – give things a little time and feel things out. If you know he’s attracted to guys, or guys and girls like you are, that’s perfect; you can say that you like him. You may even want to tell him what you told me – he makes you feel confident and secure and relieved. You’ll want to make it clear that you’re cool with being friends, even if he doesn’t feel the same way you do. If there’re ways to invite him on a date, or at least something semi-equivalent, then I would say go for it.
Just be careful. This is a dangerous time to be queer, and the last thing anyone wants is for your affection for your friend to put you (or him or both) in danger.
Good luck.
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