DEAR NATALIE: I am a woman. I hold a bachelor’s degree. Previously, my company tried to force me into accepting a position for 73% of the compensation they had been paying a man without a degree after they had expanded the responsibilities related to the role. I was asking for roughly 85% of what a similar role pays for in a company our size in our area, but I was mocked for asking for a comparable salary. I was able to refuse to accept it at that time, and we had some honest communication about unrealistic expectations and fairness. Now they are using the Covid-19 events as the reason they are moving away from previous practices of posting positions and accepting bids, to unilaterally moving team members wherever they want them with no discussion.  As I understand it, refusing the new position is the equivalent of quitting.  I am looking for another job, but this is a terrible time to find one.  I will have to accept their new approach for now.  What can I do to encourage them to treat me fairly? Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. — EXPECTED EQUAL PAY

DEAR EXPECTED EQUAL PAY: I really applaud you in advocating for yourself when you realized that you were being undervalued. Unfortunately, as we know, white women make around 77 cents to the dollar that men make for doing the same job, and if you are Black, Hispanic or Native American, the numbers are closer to 56 cents per dollar. So what can we do? You already have tried talking with them, and if going to Human Resources (HR) doesn’t sound palatable, the only thing you can do is take the position and continue to look for work. It is disturbing to me that companies would use Covid-19 as a way to exploit workers further, but it doesn’t surprise me. Ask if you can discuss your performance and what action steps you can take to increase your pay. This is yet another example of why unions are so important. HR is there to protect the company, while unions protect workers. I hope because of this situation, more workers can find ways to organize and recognize their collective power. 

DEAR NATALIE: I had been dating a really fantastic woman before Covid-19 hit and it’s been several weeks since we have seen each other. We were sleeping together before this situation, and I suggested on the phone the other night that we should send each other pics or do something online/over the phone to keep things engaging. She really hated the idea and told me I was “pervy” for suggesting it. Now things are really awkward. I just thought it would be fun since everything is so difficult right now. How do I get this relationship back on track? If she doesn’t want to do it, that’s fine, but her reaction seems extreme. Any thoughts? — NOT A PERV

DEAR NOT A PERV: These are weird times, so try cutting her some slack on this one. Maybe she isn’t comfortable being on video right now for several reasons, or maybe she just has no interest in sending anyone intimate photos for fear that they could be used against her or shown to other people. Maybe she is just a private person. There are so many reasons that someone would not want to engage in any kind of virtual intimacy, especially now. While calling you “pervy” was rude, I wouldn’t take it to heart. She may have felt vulnerable and just became defensive. But, sex is a part of relationships, and I can understand your need to want to connect in that way. I would call her and tell her that you didn’t mean to cause any tension, you were just looking for other ways to feel closer to her. Maybe she has some suggestions or ideas to keep the heat at a simmer until you can be together again. This is so hard on everyone's relationships and perhaps now instead of dating, think about “courting” each other with romantic texts, cards in the mail, or surprise gifts left on the doorstep. If those suggestions from a hopeless romantic like me make your eyes roll, find other ways to show your interest. When you are able to be together in person, take it slow. She may need time to acclimate to the idea of seeing you in real life. Everyone needs an extra dose of patience right now. Hopefully you can find your way back to one another by remembering what you liked about each other in the first place. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: When in a Zoom meeting, keep yourself muted unless you are asked to join the conversation or need to interject. Then, instead of looking for the unmute button, simply hit the space bar to share your thoughts. Keeping yourself muted helps cut down on background noise, children crying, dogs barking… you get the idea.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: I've been in a relationship with this man for almost three years. We both have kids from previous relationships. He’s constantly in a bad mood and takes it out on everyone. It can last for a few days and it often gets to the point that he just ignores us. He never talks calmly and constantly wants to yell whenever I try to talk to him. If he doesn’t like what I say, he just walks away. It has gotten to the point where I don't say anything to him. I try to keep the kids busy, work around the house, but that doesn't satisfy him. Recently, he and my 16-year-old child got into an argument. Now, he doesn't want my child here. He says this so that all the children hear it. He even said he would end the relationship to get rid of my child. I would never choose him over my children. I live in the midwest. With the pandemic going on, I have nowhere to go and not enough money to move out of his house. What can I do to keep the peace until I can get out? — UNHAPPY HOME

DEAR UNHAPPY HOME: My one friend always talks about “runaway money.” It’s her idea that having a little bit of money stashed away could be a good thing in case you need to run away. While a smart idea in theory, it can be very difficult to accumulate runaway money when you have children and nowhere to go. However, starting with a plan can help in any situation, especially when you are in a stressful and unsafe space. Start a runaway fund. Even if you can’t throw much money towards it, every little bit may help when the time is right for you to leave. Write a list of people that you know. Who could you stay with temporarily? What services are in your area that could help you find a safe place until you can get on your feet? Contact women’s shelters and research social workers in the area to find as many resources as you can. In the meantime, it can be really scary to live with an emotionally volatile and verbally abusive person. Intimate partner violence and violence against children are on the rise the longer that people are sheltering-in-place. I would try to avoid interacting with him as much as you can. When you do interact, try to keep the conversation to a minimum. Instruct your children to keep to themselves whenever possible, especially the 16-year-old. As soon as you find a way out, take it. Leave and don’t look back. You don’t need to be with anyone who threatens you or your children. He clearly has issues that run deep and have nothing to do with you. You just happen to be there to focus his anger towards. It isn’t OK and I hope you know that you don’t deserve to be verbally abused. No one does. Please be safe and reach out to someone you trust so that you can safely find a way forward without him. 

DEAR NATALIE: I just had begun to date someone when COVID-19 hit and now it has caused some issues. He is really stressed out and may be laid off. He wanted to know that if that happened, could he move in with me. I think that this is all too sudden, but I know these are strange times. I am lucky that I am financially stable. I told him I did not think it was a good idea, and now he is really angry with me. He ghosted me all last week, but this week he is acting sweet and apologetic. My gut is telling me one thing but he is tugging on my heart strings. What should I do? — EVERYONE IS PANICKING

DEAR EVERYONE IS PANICKING: Did you know that your gut is your very first brain? So when people say, “Listen to your gut,” what they really mean is, “Listen to your most intuitive, primordial self. It knows what’s up.” In this instance, you definitely should take note of what your gut is telling you. If you have a bad feeling, notice it. Examine it. Understand it. I would walk away from this person and situation immediately. I understand that everyone is worried about their futures. We are all concerned about our families, ourselves and the communities we live, work and play in. This is impacting everyone on some level. However, to voluntarily take on more stress at this time is not the safe or sane thing to do. I’m sorry that this person you are dating is struggling. But, if he is laid off, he can apply for unemployment. It is not your responsibility to support him financially. Stand your ground. It isn’t safe to have him move in. You could end up sick or potentially make him sick, too. If he is struggling, you can always drop off meals to him or find other ways to emotionally support him. While we have to give each other some extra slack during these difficult times, we don’t have to invite misery into our lives, either. Don’t be a doormat for his dysfunction. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: This is a great time to reassess what your priorities are in your personal life. We have all been changed by this experience, whether we recognize it or not. Don’t be surprised if the things that mattered to you a few months ago aren’t as important now. Reconnect with the people that matter to you. Find joy and comfort in those interactions and let go of the rest.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: One of my professors wants to sleep with me. I am a graduate student.  There has been a lot of upheaval in my department. The department head was fired over the summer. I had been getting advice from one of the professors who has been in the department a long time. I thought he was going to mentor me but now he has been making it clear he wants a different kind of relationship with me. I feel foolish that I didn’t realize this was going to happen. He is married to another professor so it’s extra awkward. I heard rumors about him being involved with other graduate students but didn’t believe it at first. I don’t want to ruin my reputation. I heard he might be moving full-time to another department next year. I thought I would get a break while we are on lockdown, but now I get texts from him. I guess he thinks they are flirty and sends offers for video meetings. Should I say something outright to him and others to indicate I am not not the kind of person who would sleep with a professor? Should I just avoid him and hope he moves to a different department, although it’s closely associated with ours? It won’t do any good to report him. It’s hard to prove and I don’t want to make any friction for my future. — NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL

DEAR NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL: This is a broken record that I wish we could smash into a million pieces. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I have known in my life who have dealt with a similar situation, whether it be their boss, their professor or someone in their community who has power and leverage over them. That is the key word to all of this: Power. This is your classic power differential. You can do a few things to deal with this, it just depends on how confrontational you want to be. First of all, any texts and emails that he has sent you, save them and print them out as insurance. If they are “flirty” enough to warrant you feeling concerned, they are worth having just in case you need to produce them. I completely understand why you don’t want to confront him because you are worried that it could hurt you, but if you don’t say anything, this may continue to escalate, unfortunately. I would try to “gently” confront this. I absolutely hate giving you advice like this, by the way, because in my fantasy world, you could just straight out say “BACK OFF OR I’M TELLING YOUR WIFE AND THE DEAN.” We both know that the world doesn’t work that way because...well...patriarchy. If he has made it that clear that he wants a different type of relationship, I would just say, “I don’t think it’s appropriate to have this conversation because I am not interested in a relationship like that with you. You are my professor. Please respect my boundaries as a person and as a student.” If he doesn’t get the hint and continues to send inappropriate messages, or if he becomes aggressive or threatening in any way, I would take all of the correspondences that you have had with him and show someone that you trust in the department. I wish I could tell you if you do nothing that this will go away, but most likely, he will take any response from you as an invitation to keep trying. This is how predators work. He may try to wear you down, intimidate you or offer you help if you have a “relationship” with him. All of this is disgusting. I know you don’t want to make waves, and do what your gut tells you, but based on what you are telling me, this may not stop until he is forced to stop. So, try a soft approach first, but be prepared to get someone else involved that you feel will support you if you need to take it further up the food chain. You should never have to feel this way in an academic setting, or in any setting, for that matter. It isn’t fair that you have to put yourself out there to make it stop. I applaud your courage in writing to me. I applaud your resolve to stand up for yourself. I just hope years from now other people in your position do not have to deal with this because we decide as a society that this behavior is no longer acceptable or tolerated on any level.

DEAR NATALIE:  I spent a lot of time with my grandparents as a child. Now that I am a young adult, I sometimes go to their house to help with housework, and occasionally spend the night there. I've been at home for the past month due to the COVID-19 pandemic, but I make sure to call them every few days. They have been taking the crisis seriously but they seem bored. Now my grandmother wants me to visit for a weekend. It has been two weeks since I have been in a store. However, I live with family members who go shopping frequently and occasionally go into their office or see friends. Although none of us are sick, I do not want to be near my grandparents--both in their 80s--for fear of spreading the virus to them. I've suggested I do some yard work for them and talk from a distance while outdoors, but they would still like me to spend a night or two. I assume they are getting lonely. How can I help my grandparents accept that I cannot visit them until the crisis subsides, especially since we do not know when that will be? — GOOD GRANDSON

DEAR GOOD GRANDSON: First, let me say that I think what you do for your grandparents is so loving. The visits, the help, and the support you give them is clearly not going unnoticed. They just miss you and I can see why. However, you are doing the right thing in social distancing from them right now. It is for their own protection and it shows your love for them. People can be asymptomatic and still spread the virus. Since there isn’t a lot of testing available, it is impossible to know if you have the virus unless you show symptoms and are given a test. I know it is really hard for them not to be with you. I really like the idea of you talking to them from the outdoors so that they can still see you and feel connected. I would stand your ground on this one, even though grandparents can be really good at guilt trips! I would also remind them that you are doing this because you care so much about their wellbeing. Explain to them as best you can the reasoning behind social distancing. Let them know that you can’t wait to spend the weekend together, but only when it is safe to do so. In the meantime, do they have a computer and access to the internet? Perhaps you can try to teach them how to Google Chat or Zoom? They may really enjoy that and feel more connected when they can see your face. I would continue going to help them with yard work and talk to them from a safe distance if that helps with their loneliness. I would also bring treats, like homemade cookies or flowers once in a while, too, so they know you are thinking of them. This is so hard on everyone, but what is worse is the idea of your loved one being sick and not being able to visit them in the hospital. We all have to find our strength and resilience deep inside of us right now. Your grandparents have lived through a lot. Remind them of that. Remind them of how you pull strength from them and how now you give them strength to make it through. This moment is temporary, but your love for each other is forever. 

Natalie's Networking Tip of the Week: Don’t put pressure on people to video chat during a work meeting. People are feeling the weight of this experience right now and may be depressed while social distancing. If they don’t want to put on “real” clothes or appear on camera during meetings, who cares? We all have to showcase a little more compassion for one another right now, and providing space for people to experience this in different ways may be just the thing to help them reduce their anxiety in these unprecedented times.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter @NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci