DEAR NATALIE: My daughter just recently came out to me. She is 16-years-old and told me that she knew she was “different” since she was a little kid. I am totally accepting of this, but I worry that her father (my ex-husband) won’t be as accepting of having a daughter who identifies as a lesbian. He is a pastor of a large congregation and I am concerned that he will reject her. She doesn’t want me to “out” her to him until she is out of high school. I don’t feel right about this, though. I don’t like to keep secrets, but I don’t want to appear disloyal to my daughter. What should I do? —CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE: Think of it this way, it isn’t a “secret.” It just isn’t your story to tell. She shared this information with you in confidence and to betray that would really hurt your relationship on a deep level. Her father sounds intolerant and I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to share her personal business with him. He’s losing out in this situation, not getting to know his daughter for who she truly is. But that’s on him. Maybe someday he will come around to learn that love is an action word. It’s sad, but it is not up to you to decide who learns this information. Just continue to be supportive of your daughter, love her for who she is and stand next to her in the fight against bigotry and discrimination. 

DEAR NATALIE: My sister is getting married and our mother is not invited. She has a bad drinking problem and my sister is afraid that if she comes she will embarrass everyone, including herself. She doesn't want to deal with this on her wedding day. My mother is incredibly hurt and now they aren't speaking to each other. I think if she doesn't invite our mom, she will regret it. What do you think she should do? —FAMILY FIRST  

DEAR FAMILY FIRST: This is a really tricky situation because the disease of addiction hurts in so many ways. I feel sad for your sister, for your mother and for you. The question that came to my mind is: “Could there be a compromise reached?” Maybe mom comes for the ceremony but doesn’t stay for the reception if there is going to be alcohol. I doubt your sister will want to have a “dry” wedding, but that is another option. If your sister doesn’t want to do either of these things, this may be a moment where your mom starts to make some decisions about the direction of her future as it pertains to how her family is relating to her. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to hit a bottom before we can decide to try things a different way. Maybe this is your mom’s moment to reevaluate. If she is willing to go to rehab or find a program to help and support her, perhaps that will be the olive branch that could change your sister’s heart around this. I agree that there are a lot of regrets in this situation, but unfortunately, this is a path your sister and mom have to walk and you may not be able to follow. Just be there to love them both and continue to look at this situation through the lens of compassion.  

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My daughter is in her first year of college and she's been dating the same boy for three years now. They've been having issues: She calls and he doesn't respond; girls are leaving comments on his Instagram, etc... She confided in me. As her mother I gave her my honest advice. She's 18 and she should be focusing on school and herself. The last thing I want is for her to look back at her teenage years and regret she was stuck in a relationship and didn't enjoy herself. But now she’s mad at me. She’s not texting me like she usually does. We have a standing Zoom call every Thursday and she’s canceled the last three. Here's the best part! Her grandmother’s birthday was last week. She was supposed to surprise her by driving home to see her (safely from a distance) and she never showed or called. Finally, I get a text message at 2:38AM that night: "I got in late, wasn't gonna make it on time. Sry." I'm hurt, I'm offended, and feel as though she is choosing this boyfriend over her family. She didn’t like my advice, but I’ve never taught her to ice people out when you’re upset. I have no idea how to deal with her like this. It’s so out of character. —UPSET MOM

DEAR UPSET MOM: Let me start by acknowledging your feelings. You have every reason to feel hurt. Your daughter is acting selfish and immature.  She wanted to come to you with her problems, but she doesn’t want to hear what you have to say. Experience is the best teacher in times like these. She may feel stuck and not sure how to free herself. I would try to keep the lines of communication open with her while she struggles with what to do. You may want to text her and say something like: “I know you are going through a hard time. I only gave you my opinion because you asked me, but know that I’m here for you no matter what.” See what she says. If you do get a chance to speak with her, lead with love, but also let her know that cutting off communication is not how to deal with problems. It won’t make those problems go away, and instead, it will only add more stress to the situation. She is growing into her own person and this is a challenging time. Try to keep that in mind as you both navigate the waters, and recognize that there is only so much that you as her mother can do at this point. She is on her own path and sometimes the road can be a bumpy one. 

DEAR NATALIE: I am 24-years-old and have been married for about a year. My husband is older, he’s 35, and has a great job in finance. I just finished college last year and I am looking for work which has been challenging this year because of the pandemic. He keeps dropping hints that he really wants to have a baby, but I don’t think I’m ready. I’m still not sure what I want to do with my life. He got really upset the other night, saying, “I married a woman so we could start a family, not so she could ‘find herself.’” His comment really caught me off-guard. I feel like he isn’t hearing me, and he doesn’t care that I’m just not ready. How do I put off having kids with him for at least a few more years? I really wanted to just be married for a while and focus on my own path. But now I’m worried if I don’t get pregnant soon, he’s going to be upset. Suggestions? —NOT READY 

DEAR NOT READY: Having a baby is a life-altering experience. It is completely fair that at only 24-years-old, you aren’t ready. From reading your letter, it seems as though you have more you want to do before having a baby. It also seems as though you and your husband didn’t communicate clearly about this before you were married, and now there is some friction. Both of you will have to learn to adapt and compromise along the way. However, his comment really rubbed me the wrong way. If he didn’t want you to ‘find yourself’ maybe he shouldn’t have married such a young woman. It makes perfect sense that at your age you are discovering who you want to be and what you want to do. Also, spoiler alert: Even as you grow into yourself, and move forward into your 30s, 40s and beyond, you may still want to reinvent who you are and continue evolving. That is what makes us human. His remark was condescending and rude. I would stick to your guns on this. You are going to be the one to be pregnant. You will be the one to give birth. The baby will depend on you. Don’t downplay the sacredness of this decision, or the finality of it. Take another year or two for yourself. Discover what brings you joy and awakens your creativity. If he can’t handle your sense of autonomy, maybe he isn’t the best partner to have a baby with in the first place. You are his wife, not a baby machine. If he doesn’t know the difference, maybe he doesn’t deserve you. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci

DEAR NATALIE: My two sons are at odds politically and it is really destroying my family. They are (you guessed it) on opposing sides of the political spectrum. My younger son is very, very liberal and my older son has become incredibly conservative… he never used to be. Because of the pandemic, they are both at home. My younger son is in high school and his courses are all online. My older son is out of school and working remotely for the most part. There is a lot of tension constantly between them. Family dinners turn into shouting matches so I have them eating in shifts which sounds absurd because it is. Is there anything I can do to bridge the gap between them? They are all I have and they are all each other has, too. I know they love each other. They used to be best friends. I don’t want them to lose sight of family even if their politics do not align.

—IS THIS OVER YET

DEAR IS THIS OVER YET: I wish that there was an easy solution. Unfortunately, tensions are so high on a national level, it doesn’t surprise me that it has seeped into every part of our society, including our homes. It’s important to remind them that they are family and that their fighting is not only hurting them but hurting you, as well. It is also important to acknowledge that they are both on different wavelengths right now and “forcing them” to be friends in this moment may just backfire further. You could try to bring them together (gently!) over a meal, and ask them both to not speak about politics at all for just the duration of the dinner. Or maybe the three of you could try and watch a movie together that they enjoyed when they were younger. This could help them to remember anything that they might have liked about each other. In the end, we can’t pick our family. But if there was a genuine affection there at some point, try to remind them of that. At the same time, you can express your feelings to them, and also give them the space and time they need to figure it out. Hopefully, they can heal and come back together. Hopefully, we all can. 

DEAR NATALIE: Do you unfriend or block dead Facebook friends? Is that rude? I keep getting birthday notifications for people who have passed and it makes me sad. It seems rude to unfriend them. —GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN 

DEAR GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN: It can be jarring and unsettling when someone dies and you still receive notifications from their account. Many times, since it is hard to delete Facebook accounts, it is easier for them to remain as virtual memorial sites for friends and family to share their stories, memories or emotions around that person’s death. In this way, it can be a cathartic healing space for some. If you don’t want to unfriend someone who has died because you don’t feel comfortable doing so, you can “take a break” from their account or unfollow so that notifications do not appear on your feed. This way, if you choose to engage with their platform, it is still available to you. Remember, everyone handles grief differently. If you get to the point where unfriending makes sense, it is OK to do that, too. It doesn’t mean that you don’t care about them or miss them any less.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci