DEAR NATALIE: I love my girlfriend and we’ve been living together for about a year. The only big issue in our relationship is that when she drinks, she becomes incredibly belligerent and verbally abusive towards me. Since the onset of COVID-19, her drinking has gotten worse. If I don’t text her back fast enough, for example, I’ll get pages of angry texts. I know that means she’s drinking. The next day she is totally remorseful and so I haven’t said much about it. But recently, she’s started acting nasty to me in front of our families. This is problematic because everyone is now telling me that she has a serious issue with alcohol. I don’t know if I should confront her or if everyone is just overreacting. I love her and I don’t want to upset her. Lately, I’ve turned down invitations to see friends because I don’t want to put her in a position where she might make a fool of herself. I worry, though, that this strategy isn’t sustainable. I want to spend my life with her and raise a family, but sometimes I’m afraid of her.  Any advice? —CONCERNED GIRLFRIEND

DEAR CONCERNED GIRLFRIEND: I would be concerned, too. Not only is your girlfriend causing you emotional distress, but now you are starting to withdraw from friends and family. Her behavior is not acceptable and unless you set up expectations and boundaries, I don’t see anything changing. There is clearly a cycle here. She drinks, verbally assaults you, apologizes, cycle repeats. I would ask yourself what would she do if you confronted her about her drinking and the nasty behaviors that follow? What if you said that you were concerned about her wellbeing? What if you told her you were worried that drinking is impacting her life and your relationship? Would she be able to give up drinking and see how that changes your dynamic? If she is unable to do so, what are some supports that you can recommend to her—and to yourself—so that she can break this vicious cycle? You may want to reach out to a therapist in your area that specializes in substance abuse and relationship dynamics. If you aren’t sure where to start, you can ask your primary care doctor if you have one. You can also find resources online that can help. Do not accept this behavior. You do not have to live like this and you shouldn’t. She may have to be confronted with the reality of losing you if she doesn’t work on helping herself. No one is expecting perfection, but she needs to make an effort. Otherwise, you have to decide what you are willing to put up with, and what is a deal-breaker. 

DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue about three months ago. I later found out that he was cheating on me with another woman. Recently, he has been trying to reconnect with me and admitted that he made a big mistake. He claims that he is no longer with her, but I don’t know what to believe. My friends said that they know for a fact that they are still sleeping together. He seems sincere in wanting me back and I really do love him. Do you think that I should give him another chance? Everyone is telling me not to, but there were a lot of great parts to our relationship that they didn’t see. I’m not sure what to do. —BROKEN HEART

DEAR BROKEN HEART: It can be confusing when a partner cheats and then claims to want you back. It can also feel vindicating—you waited out the storm and now they are pining for you once more. But do you want a relationship where one person has all the power and you have none. Who is to say that he won’t cheat again? How can you trust him moving forward? Tread carefully here and guard your heart. Trust has to be earned and he didn’t just break it—he shattered it. You are entitled to take your time and question his motives. How can you be sure that he really did leave the other woman? If your friends are hearing rumors, you may want to take their warnings seriously.  Why do you want to take him back? He caught you in a vulnerable emotional moment. If you had more time to process this, do you think you would still want to date him? Do you really miss him or do you miss being in a relationship? I know these are a lot of questions to consider, but it is worth considering them because you are worth consideration. Just because he wants you back doesn’t mean it has to happen at all—or on his timeline.

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My mother-in-law is constantly opening and reading our mail. She lives very close by and watches our daughter often for us while we are working. I think she feels a little too comfortable about things and is very nosy. This is ridiculous and I told her I was not happy about it. She got upset because she thinks since she is looking at her son’s mail, she has the right to do so. She told me that I “should stay out of it.” She actually said that to me. Who’s right on this topic? —YOU’VE GOT MAIL

DEAR YOU’VE GOT MAIL: Talk about an overbearing mother-in-law! Opening your mail and then turning around and saying that you are the one who needs to mind your own business is delusional to say the least. I would not engage with her about this and instead go straight to your husband. She’s right, he is her son. He needs to deal with this. There is absolutely no reason for her to be going through your personal belongings. What else is she rummaging through when you aren’t around? He needs to tell her that it is unacceptable to go through your mail. If she can’t honor that very simple request, then maybe she shouldn’t be in your home as often. Maybe you should have your mother-in-law watch your daughter at her house until she can respect your space. It is not a lot to ask. She needs boundaries and your husband should to be the one to set them. In the meantime, hide your mail when you know she’s coming over. Put it in your bedroom or your home office and keep the door closed. I know that is absurd, but until she learns basic manners, what other choice do you have?

DEAR NATALIE: My girlfriend is fed up with living in the United States. COVID-19 really sent her over the edge and she has decided she wants to move back to her home in the Caribbean. She and I have been together for a long time and while I love going to the islands, I’m not sure I could live there full-time. Every time we discuss this, she gets really upset with me when I mention how hard of a transition that would be for me. She said she’s moving — with or without me. I don’t know what I should do. I can’t imagine being without her but it feels really drastic. Any thoughts? —MOVING DRAMA

DEAR MOVING DRAMA: These concerns are completely valid. Moving is a big decision and moving out of the country is an even bigger one! You won’t have your support system close by, so you need to feel secure in your relationship. If you have any hesitations, think this through. Quitting your job and upending your whole life for love may sound like a rom-com on Hallmark, but in reality, is it the healthiest thing to do? She has put herself first in this and doesn’t seem to care whether you come with her. I find that telling that she is willing to move no matter the cost. Is that the type of relationship you want to have? Where she calls all the shots and you either go along or get left in the dust? Relationships aren’t always fifty-fifty, but if one partner isn’t being considered in the big decisions, that is a giant red flag. Whatever you decide, make sure that you are factoring yourself into it. This isn’t just about her dreams. Yours matter, too. 

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

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DEAR NATALIE: My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years now. Things have been rocky from time to time but I was feeling really happy with our relationship until recently. I'm annoyed with him and it's for one reason: I feel like he has become really lazy within our relationship. I understand that we are comfortable with each other—and in a lot of ways I really like that—but certain things are starting to irk me. He doesn’t seem to make an effort. I know with the pandemic we can’t go out on dates like we used to, but he has just taken that to a whole new level. He doesn’t seem very invested in romance, anymore. He’s also been lazy with his appearance, too. He used to work out regularly but has stopped. He blames not feeling comfortable going to the gym because of Covid-19, but I have mentioned other options and he doesn’t like any of them. I would never break up with him because of this alone, but it's part of the larger problem. Additionally, it is not uncommon for him to be unshowered and just sloppy. What do you think I should do? I know this is a rough time for everyone, but I’m over this. —HAD ENOUGH

DEAR HAD ENOUGH: Reading this letter, I see two issues happening simultaneously: One being that you are feeling underappreciated and the other being that you haven’t grieved for what we have all lost. Take time to process this. Are your frustrations stemming from unacknowledged grief? Your relationship has changed. The world has changed. Nothing is the same as it was this time last year and nothing will be the same moving forward. Talk to your boyfriend about that. His recent lack of interest in life may be rooted in depression. He also has to grieve for things lost, too. Simple things like going to the gym and feeling good about himself may feel far away these days. Our society is refusing to talk about loss both collectively and personally. There is fear. There is anxiety. There are mounting concerns and the more we ignore them, the more we internalize them. Talk to him about how you feel neglected and vulnerable. He may not be aware that he isn’t giving you what you need. If you are embarrassed to tell him how you feel, write it down first and organize your thoughts. Try not to place blame. Instead, use “I” sentences and make it specific to the concerns raised in your letter. You are a team, so use this conversation to focus on how you can strengthen your relationship. He may be more receptive—and more relieved—than you think. 

DEAR NATALIE: I had a date a few weeks ago. It seemed to go well. The next day they texted me and said they were thinking that it wasn't the right time for a relationship. They do like me; but they are moving and just got out of a relationship. They want to be friends right now. I told them that I understood. I was sad but I respected their decision. I thought we would go back to being friends as we had been before. I texted them once or twice and they were friendly. Then I got a weird vibe. I texted to check in and they said they needed some space. I’ve been giving them space since that text. But I still like them. I don’t know how they feel about me. I’d like to know but I don’t want to intrude. We don’t seem to have a whole lot in common but I do really think we had a connection. I think I messed up. But I feel like if they don’t like me because I messed up on the timing of this then it’s not worth it. What do I do? I don’t know. —MESSED UP

DEAR MESSED UP: I’m trying to figure out where you messed up. I don’t see it. You seem to be putting a lot of pressure on yourself about this situation. Sharing how you felt isn’t “messing up.” In fact, I would consider that a good thing. You were open, honest and just wanted to know where you stand. Now, you have to take a step back. You can’t control this timeline and you can’t force feelings. Respect the fact that they are going through a lot, with moving and with getting out of a relationship. Not everyone can jump into new things right away. Take this time to focus on what makes you feel complete. Give yourself some space for a new hobby. Learn about a new subject. Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. If they come around, great. But don’t wait on them to move your life forward in a meaningful way. Try redirecting your energy and see what happens. You may surprise yourself!

Please send your questions to Natalie Bencivenga to

asknatalieadvice@gmail.com. Follow her on Twitter

@NatalieBenci and on Instagram @NatalieBenci